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Please help me with forgiveness...
I've been struggling with believing in God for over a year now so I thought that I would throw that out there before I begin. I heard that prayer is more powerful with numbers so I'm asking that someone could please pray for me...even though you don't know me.
Sorry if this is lengthy (and blunt), but I want to give you a background on my issue. I got involved with an ex who had cheated on me and dumped me back in April. I was only with him for a short amount of time, but I loved him. The girl he cheated on me with ended up leaving him about two weeks ago and he crawled back to me (and had the nerve to complain to me about the girl he left me for and cheated on me with, without any sensitivity or any mention to the fact of why he cheated on me and disappeared) . I gave in because part of me wanted to reclaim my self-esteem and the other part got high off of the euphoria of someone who once rejected you wanting you back. So, my intentions originally were to pour my heart out and tell him how bad he had hurt me when I got to see him in person for the first time since our break-up....Well, after a day of talking, she came back and he nonchalantly said goodbye to me so I never got to tell him in person how I felt, but after a few days, he came back again. So, I met up with him for the first time and told him how bad he hurt me and he said all of this stuff to me that I never thought that I would hear from his lips again "I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you, will you be my gf, I realized what I lost" etc, etc. He sobbed in my arms for over an hour. Well, a few days later (second time hanging out) he invited me to a bonfire at his cousins. I got drunk (my first time) and one thing led to another and I sinned in an even greater way. The next day he continued to make me feel loved and special and like I was his, but then a few hours after I had left, she came back to him and his response to me was "well, I talked to Stef for the last hour and a half so I guess that I'm going to say goodbye." He disconnected that quickly and with no emotion what-s0-ever when just a few hours prior, he was holding me and loving me.
He made me out to be the monster to his family and friends even though he's the one who cheated and left me, he's the one who crawled back two months later, he's the one who said everything he said, he's the one who made all the moves, and he's the one who dumped me once again like nothing. Not explanation, no emotion, no guilt, just nothing.
I'm so angry and hurt and embarrassed that there's this false image of me floating around. He lied about everything to everyone and made me seem like I pursued and seduced him. I didn't. I just made the mistake by going along with everything. I'm not the type of girl who gets in the middle of relationships. I don't sleep around. I've only been drunk once. I try to live a moral life, but I feel like he made me out to be a monster to protect himself and that killed me.
I want to FORGIVE him. I NEED to forgive him. For myself. I don't want to walk around angry and bitter and imprisoned in my mind. I want to be free. I want to release him. It's haunting me. Please someone pray for me that God helps me do that. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to hurt. I know I screwed up by going back to him and indulging and I know I don't deserve it, but if God has any mercy, I need it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kayla on
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Thanks Colby. Great advice. I'm working on forgiving him and myself. I guess it's a process. It makes me feel better to know that I allowed it to happen. The blame isn't all on him anymore, therefore, my anger isn't directly towards him. I've definitely walked away with a lesson learned though. I'm feeling much better about the situation and believe that complete forgiveness is right around the corner. None of this would have happened if I wouldn't have allowed it, but I let the situation happen, knowing the possible consequences. This experience has taught me to have self-respect because if I don't, no one else will and I'm going to be taken advantage of (in any way) left and right. I know that he's a sick person (there are a TON more issues with the man that I haven't mentioned) and I'm someone with no self-esteem who feeds off of the bogus words of any man with immoral intentions because it seems to pacify my wounds in any given moment. Knowing that I'm prone to indulge in men of similar ways, encourages me to change my perspective with some things and consciously choose a different path when I'm dealing with dating or anything relevant that touches me emotionally.
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Permalink Reply by Colby on
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Kayla,
"Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come"
(Proverbs 21:35).Indeed, life's experiences, both good and bad, provide valuable lessons that can lead to wisdom and sharpen our discernment skills.
With regard to forgiving yourself, you might find these words taken from a sermon entitled "I Just Can't Forgive Myself," by the Rev. David DenHaan, insightful and relevant.
- "There is an awful irony here that makes the tragedy even more bitter: We often seek forgiveness from ourselves, and our standards for righteousness are relatively low. Yet we can't find it within us to forgive ourselves when we transgress them. Meanwhile, we should seek forgiveness from God, whose standards are very high, and who gives forgiveness freely when we don't meet them.
- To all of us who have been trying to forgive ourselves, God says, 'Don't bother. What you are really seeking is reconciliation with me. That is what will resolve the pain you feel. And the only one who can give it to you is me, and I do so freely. Believe it. Accept it. Live in it.'"
As Scripture reminds us, God's wonderful grace and forgiveness is sufficient.
- “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive us our
sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
- "He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood
of his Son and forgave our sins" (Ephesians 1:7).
Love mixed with faith and grace be yours in Christ Jesus,Colby
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Permalink Reply by Carla on
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Hi Kayla,
I'm so sorry that you have been hurt. You are showing beautiful humility in your response of a 'lesson learned'. Please be careful that your lesson learned is not one of 'self preservation' which could lead to a hardened heart. Women can sometimes be particularly open to finding ways of 'protecting oneself' after being hurt that can lead to bitterness and a hardened heart....after being hurt in a relationship. Kayla, you can't heal your own hurts from this devastation. However, Jesus can. When you submit to Him as Lord and Saviour, He will fill that empty void that is in you. Before we find Him, we are all 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. Let Jesus tell you of your worth.
Kayla, we've all sinned and fallen short of God's perfect standard. We were born into sin. there's no way out of sinning for us---Unless we accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour. God's Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness for us is a free gift. Jesus willingly died for us on the cross to take our sin upon Himself, so that we have the opportunity to be connected with our Father in Heaven. We have access to complete and total forgiveness and reconciliation of a broken relationship with God—thru Jesus. Jesus did this for us because of His great love for us.
Once we accept Him and submit to Him and abide in Him, He empowers us to overcome the sin in our lives. There are still many times that we fall, because we don't always abide....be careful to always abide in Him.
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can change yourself. You can't. If you try after enduring being deeply hurt like this, the only change that will come about is a hardened heart and lack of trust for men. I’ve seen women withdraw and mistrust due to hurts like this. That's not the kind of change that God wants for you. There are many good godly men in this world. I'm convinced that God will lead you to finding a man who will love and cherish you, and treat you as you deserve....If that is what He has ordained for you. However, it's possible now that you need to go through a process of healing before you are ready for that. Please be discerning and take very great care to not rush into anything.
You must close the door to all darkness and not open it again. Ask the Lord if you have opened any doors to the enemy that you may not be aware of... These openings can come through things such as; The occult, unforgiveness, unbelief, lust, jealousy, anger...and others. (see Galatians 5:19-21). If you have, then repent. Ask for forgiveness. True repentence will lead to a godly sorrow which will bring about a change in your heart, with new desires. The new desires will be in place because you want to be obedient to the Lord and glorify Him---be careful that your motives would not be self protection, or just to 'feel better'. or blame for the one who hurts you. A False repentance comes from guilt and condemnation. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Our hearts can deceive us---that's why we trust God's Word over our feelings. People can sometimes be lead to think they have forgiven another person because the original 'sting' of the hurt has subsided---that's how we fall into the trap of trusting our 'feelings'. I have noticed for myself that when I have truly forgiven a person, I begin to plead with God on their behalf. I start to pray for them. the hurts we suffer can go very deep because we were born into sin and pride.
Please ask God to shine His light on every place inside you. When the Lord shows you the areas He wants to fill and flood light and truth into, respond with humility (admitting your need for Him to do this), sensitivity (don't deny or justify the area that the Holy Spirit is showing you) and Praise with Thanksgiving (Thank Him). Ask Him to show you where there is unforgiveness in your heart (when He shows you, repent from that and immediately forgive). The forgiveness we give is out of obedience. Do not hold on to unforgiveness as it leads to bitterness and a hardened heart. When I have gone through this process it is so freeing and cleansing. I have experienced a physical sensation of actually feeling lighter and joyful. There is a humility and thankfulness that follows....The humility comes from the place of knowing our desperate need for forgiveness and reconciliation with God. We know that we are not better than others, and we can easily be mislead. We know we’ve sinned and separated ourselves from the One who loves us most and wants to redeem us….which begins the process of us being changed from the inside out.
God will fight on your behalf. You don’t need to worry about your reputation or what others say about you when you trust the Lord. It doesn’t matter what others say about you…it only matters what God says about you. He says you are dearly loved and that you have great worth.
One final word----don’t expect ‘the world’ to change just because you have. ‘The world’ is a very different place than ‘The Kingdom of heaven’. When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, you are to spiritually ‘come out of the world’. Your behaviours, desires and passions will change as God gives you a new heart with new desires. This is the most important decision you will ever make. You say that you want to believe in a higher power… Let me tell you, there is NONE Higher than HE.
Don't be afraid....today is the day of Salvation.
Love in Christ, Carla
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Thanks Carla. I really am working on forgiving him. And I'm not so sure that God has a man out there for me. I feel like I'm destined to be alone. I just have no luck in the dating field and everyone I've graduated high school with is married with kids. All of my friends except one are in relationships. Everyone around me is happy. The guy who has dogged me is happy. I've been trying to find someone for almost a year now and the one relationship I finally have ends up hurting me. So, scratch that off the list of possibilities.
I definitely want to change internally. I want that peace and joy. I want it to radiate and I want to make other people feel good. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to help people. I want to feel God. I want to forgive. I don't want to be resentful or bitter. I don't want to feel hurt, afraid, and alone. I want to be happy.
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Kayla,
I think we sometimes look out at the world, and as far as we can see, people look 'happy'... but I'm not convinced. If all these people who don't know the Lord (we know they don't know Him because they don't confess Him, and they don't live out their lives according to Him--they don't care) are happy----why are they treating people so miserably. I don't think they're happy. It seems that narcicism is how people operate.. It's all about self-promotion. If it feels good do it---it doesn't matter who you step on to get there. But is that really happiness....it seems to me like it's a struggle for survival. There is a sad lonely person in there who is lost. It's not your responsibility to 'fix' them. You can show love to them for praying for them...but sometimes you need to keep your distance when that relationship is harmful and detrimental to you and your wellbeing and spiritual growth. Kayla, you have been through a really rough time. Learn from it. You will get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is not one man on earth---or one human being on earth who can fill the void of the emptiness of your heart. Only Jesus can do that. Let Him.
God can get you to a place of peace and joy. He can fill you to radiate it so that you will have an impact on the lives of others. My word to you is 'Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God, and all these other things will be given to you.' You are created in God's image, that is why you want to help people. God has created us with that desire. When we step out away from the Lord, that desire gets kind of distorted... we start to try and help people with wrong motives (self worth, praise from people, or fame etc...) God purifies those desires and helps us to fill them with pure motives when we surrender to Him.
If anyone who doesn't know the Lord tells you they are happy---it's because they have no point of comparison. True happiness with the Lord comes in the midst of painful circumstances and trials and tribulations. Sure--a persons circumstances may make them 'happy' for the moment. When those circumstances change, the happiness disappears. The Lord will give you a contentedness... Joyful...knowing that no matter what life throws at you, He is with you. He is the One sustaining you. In the midst of your struggles, even with the Lord, you may not feel happy for a moment.... but the assurance of knowing Him is enough.
You said this "I definitely want to change internally"... Praise The Lord! That's the right place to start. Read the scriptures and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what He wants you to see. Repent from the things you need to repent from. Tell God you are ready.
Heavenly Father,
We praise You that you are always at work in our lives. Thank you that You hear our prayers and that you love us just as we are, but love us too much to let us stay where we are. I lift up Kayla to You Lord. Please open her heart to receive all that You have for her. Bring her to a place of repentence that brings about a true change of heart, and a change of desires and pure motives. Lord I pray that she would know Your Love, Your Grace, Your forgiveness, Your compassion and mercy towards her. I ask for protection over her while she makes this journey towards You. Strengthen her through enemy attack which would attempt to derail and discourage her. Help her to see the spiritual battle she is entering into, and keep her covered Lord. Lord, You are Strong and Worthy of all our Praise. We need You, We love You. Thank you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Bless you Kayla. There is work to be done...don't be afraid of it. Enter into it with the Lord's help and guidance. We are here for you.
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Permalink Reply by Stephen King on
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My dear Kayla,
believing is not hard. It is easy. The only thing is that you have got to start from some point. The beginning is believing the message before placing your trust in the subject of the message. Like it is written; " for it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." You see Jesus died to pay the penalty for all our sins but God raised Him from the dead that we may have life. If you believe that, and that your sins were among those He died for, then you are counted as though you never sinned and if you freely confess that Jesus is Lord, then you will be saved. Then you may put your trust in Him for it is written,"Anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame." When you are forgiven things will be easier on your side.
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Stephen,
good word... There is just one thing I think may need some clarity. You said 'When you are forgiven things will be easier on your side'... that's true in one sense, but in another it's not true.
Things are easier because we are now resting and trusting in the Lord and in His Power and Strength that we will overcome.. However... to be sure that Kayla truly understands....
This is a spiritual battle, and there will be many trials and tribulations and tests in this life. There will be times of falling and failing. There is the process of learning to die to self. ...The importance of learning submission and obedience. ...The process of being transformed by the renewing of our minds as we learn submission. The persecution which every believer faces at some point or another etc... The process of picking up our cross daily and following Jesus. It's worth it... It's wonderful. It's the only way to truly live.. But please be careful in saying that things will be easier... this could lead someone to believe 'easier' as in circumstances.. They may be shocked when trials come. When live gets hard--they may shake their fist at God and say 'Why me God?.. but I was so good and I tried so hard?'... then they may walk away from their faith and from God. I'm saying this in love as a very important precaution.
Blessings, Carla
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Hi, Carla.
The Lord bless you. Thanks for pointing out my ambiguity. Tests and temptations will always come and also all the other hardships. On a personal level I believe that all things work together for good to all who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose. So all these things take a different meaning. So instead of destroying me, am cleansed, am strengthened and as it happened to Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego, am loosed and built up. It is easier in my conscience for I know that I do not face these things because I sinned, but because I have been accepted as a son. It is meant to be painful. The robe is supposed to be ironed while it is still on the wearer. God is true.
Again, The Lord Bless you,- Stephen
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"On a personal level I believe that all things work together for good to all who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.
So instead of it destroying me, am cleansed, am strengthened and as it happened to Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego, am loosed and built up."
Stephen... Amen. we're in agreement.
Bless you, Carla
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on
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Hi Kayla.
You’ve already gotten some great and wise advice and I can’t give you any advice but I can share some information with you based on some of your comments that are standing out to me … which are in your final paragraph: I want to FORGIVE him. I NEED to forgive him. For myself. I don't want to walk around angry and bitter and imprisoned in my mind. I want to be free. I want to release him. It's haunting me. Please someone pray for me that God helps me do that. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to hurt.From where I stand, in that last paragraph I see a young girl who is hurt and who is asking God to help her grieve and heal.
Only you know what is your spiritual standing with God and we are all born with a sin nature. None of us lives up to all that we know we should do or not do. Sin affects our minds, emotions, hearts, goals, motives, and our bodies. We are redeemable. Christ made it possible.
Whether Christian or not, pain and suffering come to all people. In our pain and suffering, life seems futile, empty, and meaningless, and it surely would be completely hopeless, except for the hope found in Christ alone. Once we are born again, we are growing day by day. We surrender to the Holy Spirit, letting Him live through us, allowing God to glorify Himself in us.
I don't know where you stand with God. Are you born again? Are you at a crisis point where you want to stop doing and going in your own strength and be filled with the Spirit? I don't know and it's not necessary for you to tell me. That's really between you and God, but I do believe God is working in your life and I also believe God will help you heal from this loss and present pain.
You say you don’t want to be angry. You don’t want to hurt. But that is part of grief. We don’t like to feel those emotions. We’d rather bury them and forget about them. Anger comes with grief. We have to work our way through it. While it is true that we cannot heal ourselves and we cannot change ourselves, anger is actually a natural part of the healing process after we experience loss. It is how God wired us. He gave us emotions. But anger can be frightening for us to feel. So we don’t even like to admit it when we feel angry, let alone permit it. The truth is anger will turn into bitterness if we do not give ourselves permission to grieve fully.
One of the ways to grieve a loss is by focusing on it and talking about it, as you are doing here in this discussion and I hope you have someone close to you whom you are able to talk to face to face -- a friend or a family member, or even a pastor or a counselor. But some way or another, you need to talk it out with someone. I know discussions like this one have helped me in the past to talk things out a little bit and have actually given me the courage to go to someone and talk face to face. When we hurt, we do seek out people who are compassionate and have empathy.
Another thing that comes to my mind here is self esteem. I think you are pretty down on yourself. I think that is also something that needs to be healed in you. Maybe you have heard this before, but it’s a good analogy. A ladder falls, a bone is broken. The bone will not heal by blaming the ladder. What I am getting at is, you have low self esteem, so you were with this guy and you wanted to believe it was going to work, even though they tell us girls at a very young age that “Once a bad relationship, always a bad relationship” but ...I think if Kayla had a healthy self esteem, Kayla would never have fallen for this guy to begin with and once Kayla heals, Kayla will be ready to meet the right man.
Am I way off base? I mean regarding the self esteem?
I heard Marie Osmond once say, "You date and marry at the level of your self-esteem. Make sure you have self worth.”
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Hey Amanda. Thanks for the response. I was saved when I was younger, but it was at an age where I didn't quite understand everything so I don't really count it. I still am not 100% sure if I believe in God. I'm the type of person who needs evidence and not "the Word of God is true because it says so." Okay, so if someone comes up and tells me to jump off a bridge because it will bring me good luck, and I supposed to believe it because they said so? Until I am satisfied with some kind of evidence, I remain a skeptic. Good news though-I'm open-minded so it's not like I'm closed off to hearing or experiencing God.
And yes, I do have super low self-esteem, but it's validated by my sucky dating life. If I were wrong about myself, I would have men interested in me and I wouldn't be single all the time or have bad luck when I am actually lucky enough to date someone. My ex who cheated left me for a "trophy girl." Men are visual. When there's a more attractive girl who walks in the room, her position with him is threatened. If a man has an opportunity to be with someone better looking, younger, etc, he will take it if he knows he will score. I'm no supermodel so sucks to be me.
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