This is kind of my testimony.

Thank you brother Velazquez for your kindness in supplying me with links to different groups I might look at within the site. I could learn a lot in all of them. Nadie es perfecto, ni mucho menos, yo. It has taken me literally over 20 years of being what I thought was a Christian to even begin to trust in my heart the Lord Jesus. He let me taste and see that He is good but it didn't sink down into my heart just HOW very good the Lord is (and faithful and holy as well). I am still a poor example of a brother and this is not false humility. I am just beginning to learn and know I will be learning for the rest of my life. I hope I am not one of those that is ever learning but never coming to the knowledge of the truth. I wonder sometimes. I seem to fit the passages that describe fools, worldly and apostate-false believers. I pray I am not one but still am not sure because so many parts of the Bible show a model much different from what I see in myself. Among one of the worst things is that I have ruined my own body by abusing it with overeating over years and years, to the point that now I am a shut in who can't go out and fellowship at a local congregation, but God in His mercy, is still working on me and has brought to me in my room faithful Christian brothers to me to both fellowship and pray and praise Him all of us together. I'm not proud of my folly and my rebellion even as a so-called Christian. And I do not recommend to anyone doing what I have done. I ran from the Lord in my attitudes, my feelings, behavior and daily life for 10 years before He finally got my attention simply by the agony my body has been in.

I have been that awful. The Lord should have thrown me away. I was under condemnation and assumed I have never really accepted Christ and used that as an excuse to go on sinning. Maybe I hadn't truly accepted Him. But now that He has allowed me to soften my heart and He alone, not I, He brought me back, I realize He never did owe me the grace He has so far extended to me. I don't want to continue doing wrong but now it is because, as the Scripture says "the goodness of God leads...to repentance". As I am literally at death's door I finally have experienced God's love in my heart in such a poignant way that I don't want to be sinning willfully (much less sinning at all, although we are all sinners by nature). I don't want to repay Him the great kindness He has shown me by disregarding my faith in Him, my loyalty to Him, my need and will to serve Him because He bought me at such a great price. I just want to encourage anyone out there who is struggling with having done things that they know are wrong. just know that God is THERE for you. Pray to HIm.Confess  your sin. Ask for even the will to truly repent in life actions, inner attitudes etc rather than relying on 'cheap grace' knowing that God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, so sometimes we don't take sin as a big enough deal when we are overtaken in it. I am the last one to point out anyone else's faults because I have so many weaknesses myself. But I can only say that the Lord Jesus Messiah has been totally faithful, totally good and totally sweet and loving to me when I have given Him so much grief, offense and just plain deliberate wrongdoing, even to the point of doubting that I was ever truly saved. Even now I just find myself having to trust His word that we are purchased by Him with His own blood, we belong to HIm and He willl not lose any of the ones the Father gave Him. I don't rely on my works to save me. That is false and false teaching. I do however see my life sometimes and doubt that I ever truly submitted to the Lord. However, getting under condemnation did nothing but help me sin more because when I threw up my hands, then I used that as an occasion to the flesh. God's love, mercy and GRACE have slowly shown me that yes I am saved but yes also, my actions and attitudes and choices DO matter and If I love Him for how worth He has shown Himself of being to be loved, then I won't WANT to grieve, hurt, or disobey Him. Of course, that said, I agree putting on the whole armor of God. It really helps us in our fight with the flesh and the enemy to have ourselves prepared with the Word, worship and prayer, for starters. Then of course too, we want to be open to His way instead of using Him merely as a 'personal genie' to give a huge list of prayer requests ( I still do this too often). All I'm saying in a nutshell is: HANG IN THERE. COME TO HIM IF YOU'VE BLOWN IT. Don't run! Don't blameshift things onto others or God. Come and lay your heart out to HIm even IF you don't feel like it (at first). We are still saved, but sin separates our sensing God's closeness (though He is still close). Sin may be tempting at the time but, number one, if we are truly saved, we won't feel it's no big deal if we are walking in darkness. We will be tugged at by the Holy Spirit and we won't feel good about what we have done. We must trust Him to cleanse us and restore us. That doesn't mean keep on sinning to test God's goodness. God forbid! It means, if you HAVE sinned, don't let feelings run you . Don't get under condemnation and think you are too hopeless of a sinner for God to ever take you back. He has taken me back and I am one of the least deserving people He has ever forgiven and cleansed. I went forth today and  before the day was done I had committed two pretty ugly  sins without even trying. I felt convicted after I had done them and I didn't set out to do them. But it shows me constantly how wicked I am inside myself apart from God's Holy Spirit who has justified me. In my flesh, there truly does dwell NO good thing. NO good thing, I repeat. I'm rotten inside. Not a good person, and often I even pray for the will to fight some sins that seem to beset me over and over (I let them and then get frustrated once I have fallen to them again). I hope I'm not saying anything here that is false teaching. I am just trying to relate my own experience as I understand it, of God's grace, goodness and mercy to me personally. And every one of my believer brother-friends can share similar ways God has rescued them from a life of sin and evil. God truly is good for His word. Every bit of it. Nothing left out. He's good for it, He will do it. So rejoice that He has honored you to be called His child, in spite of what any of us deserve in our own merits. It is a privilege AND a solemn responsibility for us to be good and faithful servants and not the other kind described in the Gospels. I tremble at some of the things I have thought, said and done even recently. I can only trust HIs blood to cleanse me and His finished work on the cross to justify me. I realize I have a choice in what I do. I am not free to sin. I belong to HIm.I don't WANT to sin. I love Him.

Your brother in Christ--John