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Settling for a Spouse
Settling for a Spouse
The real danger in pursuing a spouse is that we will "settle" for the world's vision of self, love and marriage.
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I can't begin to tell you how many single believers I have spoken to and counseled who are trying to avoid settling, worried that they are settling, think it's "wrong" to settle, etc. Good relationships have gone down the tubes or never gotten off the ground because of this issue. The question for us is whether that approach to dating and marriage gels with the biblical approach to life and love.
It doesn't, for at least three reasons:
A Selfish Premise
The first is that worries about settling reveal a selfishness approach to marriage that misunderstands the Bible's idea of love. "Holding out for true love" as the above quote defines it means demanding a person to whom I am completely attracted in the secular sense, somebody who meets all the qualifications on my "list," and whom I believe is the "best I can do." In the author's mind — and unfortunately in the minds of many single Christians — anything short of finding that perfect match created in one's mind falls short of "true love" and constitutes the sad and unwise act of "settling." Such an approach to love and marriage fundamentally misunderstands the Bible's idea of both.
In the world's version of attraction, I'm a consumer, not a servant. I respond to attributes of yours that I like because of their potential to please me. Again, this is not malicious or evil — it's just not how we're primarily called to treat one another in Scripture. It's not the Bible's idea of love.
Marriage is incredibly fun; it's also incredibly hard. For most people it is the greatest act of ministry and service to another person that they will ever undertake. Husbands are literally called to "give themselves up for" their wives. Wives are called to submit to, respect, and serve their husbands "as to the Lord." Though husbands and wives receive countless blessings from a biblical marriage, the very idea of biblical marriage describes an act — many acts — of love, service, sacrifice, and ministry toward a sinful human being. According to Scripture, marriage is anything but a selfish endeavor. It is a ministry.
What sense does it make to undertake that ministry based primarily on a list of self-centered (and often petty) preferences? If your idea of attraction — whatever that is — dominates your pursuit of a spouse, consider this: Is your approach biblical?
The Bible calls us to reject the world's approach to love and marriage. That may require a pretty radical rethinking of your own approach. If it does, join the club. If you can manage that rethinking (with the Lord's help), it will drain much of the angst from any discussion about "settling."
Everybody Settles
Another problem with the usual discussion on settling is that it usually reflects two unbiblical beliefs: (1) we can strategize our way around the effects of sin in human relationships and the reality that marriage is hard work, and (2) we can hope to be perfectly, ultimately fulfilled by marriage — or any other earthly relationship.
If you have a biblical understanding of human nature, then you will realize that in one sense, everybody settles — even the people who think they are refusing to. Every person who decides to marry makes the decision to marry a sinner. That means you will marry someone who is at some level selfish, who has insecurities and an ego, who has annoying tendencies that you will only discover after marriage because they will only be revealed in that intimate context. And don't forget, your spouse will have married the same type of person.
As sinners, we all "settle" for marriage to a person who will not always meet our sinful, individualized, selfish whims, who will not be the spouse we "dreamed of" every day, and who likely entered the bargain with some level of expectation that you were going to be the one for them.
Nobody Settles
Finally, deep worry about settling for less than one desires or deserves in marriage fails two acknowledge two fundamental biblical truths that apply to all areas of the Christian life — not just dating and marriage: (1) as sinners, what we deserve is condemnation from God; and (2) we have been given greater gifts than we could possibly deserve or attain on our own. In other words, compared to what our lives should be before a just and holy God, no believer in Christ ever settles — in marriage or in anything else.
Nobody really "settles" in a biblical marriage because God has designed marriage as a wonderful gift that gets better with age. This is what people worried about settling don't seem to get. They think joy in marriage is all about the original choice one makes about whom to marry, rather than how the nurture and build their marriage. Again, this misses the picture of biblical marriage.
Bottom line, the real danger for God's people in pursuing a spouse is that we will "settle" for the world's vision of self, love, marriage and even romance, rather than a vision of those things steeped in scripture and rooted in the love of Christ. Biblical love and marriage ask more of us than the world's selfish pursuit of non-existent perfection. But the rewards are infinitely richer. "Keep your eyes on the prize"? Sure. Just make sure it's the right one.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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When to Settle
What's needed is a new, objective standard for what makes a good match, because there are some non-negotiables for choosing a mate.
by Candice Z. Watters
Steve and I started dating, one of my close friends said she was worried that we'd end up getting married. What in the world? I thought. We've only been dating a few days. Marriage? And so what if we do? What would be so bad about that?
"I just don't want to see you settle," she said.
At the time, Steve was still planning to use his degree to go back to his small hometown to be the principal of his dad's church-sponsored school. I guess in her eyes that was beneath me. Me, a soon to be holder of a master's degree.
"You've got so much ambition," she said. "I'd hate to find you, years from now, disappointed in him. A frustrated wife who 'under married.'"
Not Wanting to Settle
My friend was a believer in the notion that to marry a man without certain traits or ambitions would be settling. And in her mind, settling was bad. No longer just a guideline, not settling was itself a goal. Something worth striving for. As in: Finish that report for work, lose 20 pounds, get a boyfriend, don't settle.
And so we find ourselves in the midst of a massive shift in marriage trends: women waiting longer than ever to marry, all the while holding out for their soul mate -- "the one." When a nice guy asks a woman out, if the sparks of attraction aren't hot from the start, she turns him down, reasoning, "Sure, I want to get married someday, but I'm not about to ... settle."
Have you ever known a man that you've thought about dating, but in the end, ruled him out because to do otherwise would be settling? If you're holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it's possible you're overlooking some good men who are already in your life. Knowing what about a potential mate is worth appreciating and what's just eye candy has everything to do with when you should "settle."
Choosing to marry a man -- whomever he is -- inevitably involves compromise (on his part, and yours). That's why it's not truly settling. It's just making a decision. Something we do every time we pick one thing over another. In most areas, it's called being decisive. For some reason, we've made indecision noble when it comes to dating.
A New Standard
What's needed is a new, objective standard for what makes a good match, because, for a Christian woman, there are some non-negotiables for choosing a mate. That's where Gottlieb's advice falls short. Thankfully we have a standard that's completely reliable.
•A man must be a believer.
•He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
•He must love sacrificially.
•He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9.)
If you're measuring a man against that list, considering his aptitude for growing into full maturity in those areas, then marrying him is praiseworthy. Even if he is shorter than you. Or younger. Or bald. Failing to meet our worldly expectations — our romantic shopping list — is no liability if he meets biblical ones. That's the only list that matters.
And marriage to such a man could hardly be called settling. In another day, it went by the much more pleasant, and desired, description: settling down. When faced with a big decision, my dad used to say, "Honey, you have to settle the issue. Make the best decision you can, in view of the wisdom of Scripture and prayer. Then move forward confidently." Putting the unending list of options to rest is freeing. Once you make a decision, you can stop noodling, debating, and weighing the alternatives, and get on with the rest of your life.
And my friend who said I'd be settling if I married Steve? She was looking at externals, so her ability to rightly judge was skewed. I saw beyond where Steve was at that moment, to the man I knew he could become. And because my faith was based on that biblical list, I knew it was well founded. Thankfully I followed the wisdom of Scripture.
I wasn't disappointed.
Copyright © 2008, Candice Watters. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission. -
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Permalink Reply by Dee Ramos on
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AGAPE LOVE: SELFLESS LOVE OF ONE PERSON FOR ANOTHER WITHOUT SEXUAL IMPLICATIONS
PHILEO LOVE: KISS LOVE AFFECTION OPASSION OR FEELING
EROS LOVE: SEEKS TO FIND SELF SATISFACTION WHICH IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE
JUST THOUGHT I WOULD ADD THESE IF ANYONE HAS BETTER DEFINATION PLEASE ADD TO THIS -
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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I agree with the articles I placed here about the topic of settling for a spouse yet that does NOT mean we do not hold to standards and personal desires.
I will use me as an example. I need three areas to be fulfilled in my life for me to consider someone for marriage.
1. She must be spiritual. She must Love God more than she loves me. That is the only way we can love right. I also have a calling in my life and the woman I marry must understand the beauty and the challenges that entails.
2. She must be intellectual. That does not mean break down the laws of physics or anything like that, what it means is that I must be able to talk to her about anything. She must be a communicator or at least be willing to grow in that area. I am a communicator and think verbal exchanges are essential. I can talk about mindless things just like anybody else can, but I like to talk about real things, things that edify, my favorite subject is God of course (theology), so I need someone who likes to exchange.
3. She must be beautiful to me. Internally primarily, but she must also be beautiful to me externally. I mean I got to wake up with this person hahaha I do not mean beautiful as Hollywood or magazines define beautiful but beautiful to me. I have been with women who are not physically gorgeous but they have become that to me because the beauty of the Lord shines through them. You guys know what I am talking about. I know that unless these three areas are fulfilled I am not going to be happy,
So we can have expectations yet we need to understand that a real relationship involves sacrifice from both parties.
My take on it. -
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Brother Dave, God bless you and all others for the insight. There are many of us who have refused the godly man or woman that God gave us or Daddy has package for us because they didn't come in the wrappings our worldly eyes were/ are looking for. Mercy, God! Brethren and Sistren, we have become too vain. More Grace to Us, O' Christ! Because of our vain diva attitudes, many would have to buy husbands and wives. Abomination!! (Isaiah 3:16-24 & 4:1). Shalom!
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Amen beloved sister, Amen!
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