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My newlywed wife no longer has faith, ideas?
Hi Everyone,
My wife and I got married in summer of 2009. We met two years before that, while serving on the worship team together. Our spiritual journey together was important and we relied heavily on God to lead us and direct us throughout our dating and engagement period. We had a beautiful Christ-centered wedding, witnessing to our non-christian friends and family members of what was supposed to be the beginning of a Christ-centerede marriage.
Our backgrounds are different. I grew up in a loving Christian family, born again and serving since I was accountable. I had my periods of darkness, but got out of it and sought after God before I met my wife. She grew up in a broken family that lead to many insecurities and emotional hurt and scars. She was an intellectual athiest, but had some seeds planted in her when she was younger, and in her early 20's, she gave her life to God. She also had a period of darkness after that but re-gave her life to God and was dedicated like I've never seen before. Her faith was still new and her knowledge limited, but she was learning and had a heart after God.
I believe her faith and conversion was genuine, as she was able to forgive and reconcile with some of her past in a way that would have been impossible without God's forgiveness and love, anbd she was able to lead others to Christ with fervor.
In the past half a year after we got married, she encountered some hardship in her life again, more specifically, situations in daily life that made her feel desolate, abandoned and helpless. From my perspective, these situations are everyday things that people might encounter, but I know abandonment and desolation is much more sensitive for her. A month ago, one situation was quite severe and it led to her belief that God is no longer there for her and has left her. She's developed some theology that doesnt make sense to me or has any biblical basis (such as, I know God is there for you, but not for me as she wasn't one of the chosen ones). She claims to be a non-christian now and will not entertain the thought again.
This situation has been tough for me. What was supposed to be a Christ-centered marriage has now left me in an unequally yoked marriage. What would you do in this situation?
My wife and I got married in summer of 2009. We met two years before that, while serving on the worship team together. Our spiritual journey together was important and we relied heavily on God to lead us and direct us throughout our dating and engagement period. We had a beautiful Christ-centered wedding, witnessing to our non-christian friends and family members of what was supposed to be the beginning of a Christ-centerede marriage.
Our backgrounds are different. I grew up in a loving Christian family, born again and serving since I was accountable. I had my periods of darkness, but got out of it and sought after God before I met my wife. She grew up in a broken family that lead to many insecurities and emotional hurt and scars. She was an intellectual athiest, but had some seeds planted in her when she was younger, and in her early 20's, she gave her life to God. She also had a period of darkness after that but re-gave her life to God and was dedicated like I've never seen before. Her faith was still new and her knowledge limited, but she was learning and had a heart after God.
I believe her faith and conversion was genuine, as she was able to forgive and reconcile with some of her past in a way that would have been impossible without God's forgiveness and love, anbd she was able to lead others to Christ with fervor.
In the past half a year after we got married, she encountered some hardship in her life again, more specifically, situations in daily life that made her feel desolate, abandoned and helpless. From my perspective, these situations are everyday things that people might encounter, but I know abandonment and desolation is much more sensitive for her. A month ago, one situation was quite severe and it led to her belief that God is no longer there for her and has left her. She's developed some theology that doesnt make sense to me or has any biblical basis (such as, I know God is there for you, but not for me as she wasn't one of the chosen ones). She claims to be a non-christian now and will not entertain the thought again.
This situation has been tough for me. What was supposed to be a Christ-centered marriage has now left me in an unequally yoked marriage. What would you do in this situation?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gayla on
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I would fast and pray for her, I would love her like there was no tommorrow. and leave the rest up to God.
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Permalink Reply by Carla on
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Dear Keith,
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles... This will make you stronger as you continue to trust God. He will lead you and guide you as you go thru this season.
Your wife needs to experience Christ in a practical way...which brings to mind 1 Corinthians 13.
1Cr 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind {and} is not jealous; love does not brag {and} is not arrogant,
1Cr 13:5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered,}
1Cr 13:6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
1Cr 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Read and pray about these verses... We must love eachother with God's Love, not our own. He strengthens us to Love one another in this way.
Ask God what it means and how it looks for you to live this out (1 Corinthians 13) practically in your married life. Many times, actions speak louder than words. If someone is closed off to talking about Jesus..don't push it, you will only anger them...which will cause division in your relationship...Pray in those moments when you are having a hard time holding your tongue.
John 3:16 says this:
Jhn 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. This verse includes your wife.
Perhaps she feels like she does not deserve this all encompassing Love..like she is not 'good-enough'.... Tell her none of us deserve it, none of us are 'good enough'.. It is by God's Grace that we are saved thru faith...it is nothing of ourselves.. It is God's Mercy and Grace, not our own....His Goodness!
Would she consider speaking with a Christian counsellor? I would suggest contacting your Pastor or Minister at your church..perhaps they can connect you with someone.
Fasting and Praying most definately.
Sometimes we as Christians may become weary when we are trying to do things in our own strength. It is not possible to live the Christian life (as God calls us to) in our own strength. It is His Love and Power that sustains us. We all need to come to the end of ourselves and realize we can't do it on our own.
This is a Spiritual battle.. We are overcomers in Christ..only in Christ!
Pro 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
Pro 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
Blessings, Carla
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Permalink Reply by Nicole Long on
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First of all, my Brother in Christ, we must remember that the devil hates marriages and God ordains marriages and Satan will do anything He can to destroy it. I have learned through experience that WE cannot change a person. It takes God and the only things we can do is live a Godly life before them, encourage them though love and kindness, and pray for them. There is nothing impossible for God to do and in everything, pray that God's will be done in the situation. Be encouraged and may God bless you and your family.
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Permalink Reply by Theresa on
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Keith, my heart really truly goes to you brother, this seems like you have a battle on your hand and only God Almighty is able and can help you in this.
I am reminded of 2 Chronicles20, read it, meditate on it and believe that the same God who existed then still exist now.
You are a Christian, you are the leader in your marriage according to the Word of God and every word in Christ that you speak, God will back you up one hundred percent, believe it and act like it.(Ephesians 5:25 and 28)
Love your wife like there is no tomorrow but be firm at the same time. When she says things like" God is for you but He is not here for me". Answer her with encouragement: " Yes honey, you are right, God is for me and He is always here for me and He will never leave me but He is here for you too, He loves you and He will never leave you". Tell her that Christians go through trials, testing of their faith and they all come victorious with no smell of fire on their bodies because Jesus is right there with them. If she disagrees, tell her" I trust the Word of God over what people go through in this life". God's Word says, He heals, He delivers, He rules and reigns. His Word is above every word and bad situations in this life.
Immerse yourself in The Word of God and worship, focus on His Word and what He says about you, your wife, your marriage, agree that He says your marriage will be heaven on earth like He intended it to be.
Read Psalm 128 Believe it, speak it loud when you are alone.
Ask God to forgive anything your wife might allowed in her life to bring this thing on her or if you did too.
I will say you are blessed this day and no weapon that is formed against your marriage will prosper, and every tongue that will rise against you in judment, you shall condemn.
Blessings, Theresa
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Hi Keith,
I'm just stopping by here to check on you. How are things? Please let us know how you are doing.
Blessings, Carla
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Thank you all for your responses and all the support that you've provided me. God can use people in and out of our lives at any time to touch us when we need it most. I appreciate all the words of wisdom here and encouragement.
Carla, thank you for the followup, it has been a while since I've read this thread, and most times I'm not sure how to respond, but your message checking up on me has been a blessing to know that someone is thinking about and praying for me!!
I've been reading some books on the subject of a spiritually mismatched marriage, and found that most books don't tailor to my situation completely, as they talk more about one spouse coming to Christ after they are married, or a spouse choosing to marry a non-christian.
If anyone has read the book "How to Survive a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage" by Lee Strobel and his Wife, it is a good one. In it, they describe the wife coming to faith while her husband remains a skeptic. They describe the feeling of the wife and the pains she feels that her husband isn't a believe, and they also touch on the husband's feeling of "losing" his wife. After reading that chapter, I feel I have both the feelings of the wife and the husband. I feel the hurt of the wife in living in a spiritually mismatched marraige, and as the same time, I feel the hurt of the husband because I seem to have "lost" the wife that I married ... the God fearing and loving spiritual companion that I thought I'd have to go through this life with in service and worship to God.
As the eternal optimist that I think I am, I've learned some valuable lessons through this ordeal. My trust in God and faith in His promises have increased and I'm learning to let go and leave everything to God. My task lately is to be the one that love's my wife and to have the fruits of the spirit displayed through my words and actions.
At times, I am angry and frustrated at the situation, but am reminded that I am by no means perfect nor and I sinless. If God loves me despite my sins, God for sure loves my wife despite her sins. My wife is still smart and knowledgable about the christian faith and this makes it hard for her. She sees where so many Christians are faulty and judgemental through all this. The good thing is she is still wants to have a good marriage and work on it, and is willing to take marriage related advice from non-christians and christians alike.
Honestly though, she's still a blessing in my life and I am lucky to have a woman like her in my life. She still has strong moral convictions and a helpful heart for the needy and poor. She has decided to support me in my faith still, as she can see if still means a lot to me. We still go to sunday morning service together, but she changed her behaviour and will not sing or pray and does not take notes in sermon as she used to. This was an area I really looked up to her in the past and it brings a tear to my eye to see that she would rather fall asleep now during the sermon. The devil is hard at work for sure!
Through this though, there have been some signs of hope and I pray God will continue to soften her heart and that she can be receptive and trusting once again. Our church is holding a marriage retreat in a few weeks, and she was the one that brought up going to it. We also saw an advertisement about a seminar at another church on the topic of dealing with insecurities and having Christ involved in your life, and she wanted to sign up for that too. Please pray that we will both learn something at these seminars and conferences!
Sorry, I'm rambling on a lot in this post! I actually don't have an avenue of release for this situation and you, my online brothers and sisters in Christ, are actually the only ones that know about the situation.
The only people we spoke to regarding this mismatch problem was our marrying pastor and his wife. We spoke with them and wanted to have some advice. But at the end, my wife ended up being hurt and angry for she thought that they both judged her for her decision, as they said that our marriage would be on the rocks and end up going downhill if she made that choice. After thinking about it for a while, and flipping to Romans about judgement, I agree with my wife. There are some Christians that judge too quickly.
So, she has decided not to tell anyone else for the time being of her decision since she hates being judged and looked down upon, and especially she doesnt want to be an outcast or alienated by it. On the other hand, I also haven't told anyone because in a way, I feel shame and I'm angry about the situation. I feel shame, because I don't want to be married to a non-christian and have people think I made that choice before marriage though we're warned of that many times.
If you've read this far, I thank you deeply as you know share my deepest thoughts and insecurities =) If you have a spare minute, I would love to be included in your prayers as I know this spiritual battle can not be won without the power of God, the blood of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Blessings!
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Dear Keith,
I'm encouraged to hear from you. The feelings and struggles that you are going thru are not unlike my own living in a spiritually unmatched marriage. Continue to put your trust in God.
God is holding you....and keeping you secure in your faith! Our God is faithful and true! He will never leave us nor forsake us. His Power ...which is so beyond our understanding, is holding us.
I am so blessed to hear that she is still going to church with you. Faith comes by hearing the word of God. God's Word is being spoken to her....The Holy Spirit can move here.. Greater is He that is in you then he that is in the world.
The best thing to do is pray. Remember to be thankful that she is going to church with you... Thankful first to God, and to her. Let her know how you appreciate that she attends for your sake, even though she doesn't want to be there. God meets us where we are.. I know this because that's where HE met me...at a low point...at just the right time! God's timing is perfect!
I identify with your frustrations and even embarrasement over being married to a non-christian... I have felt those things also. However, God has allowed me to see the great points and strengths that my husband has. God has shown me that my hubby is faithful and trustworthy, and that he will stick by me thru thick and thin....he is devoted to me entirely! God has shown me this over the past 7 months or so. My family has been through a major crises...my husband could have run the other way, but he did not! he stepped up to the plate, and continually showed his devotion and dedication to me and our children. I want with all my heart for my husband to share my faith so that we may worship God together and pray...because I know that our relationship would be even stronger.....in this i am trusting God... God already knows the outcome for me as He does for you.
I am sorry that your wife has felt judged... That is not from God! God's heart is breaking over this also. Please make it a point to remain Thankful...being thankful also to your wife may reduce her feelings that she is being judged! She wants to make you proud...and she wants to be appreciated. Let her know that you appreciate her. (it sounds like you already do that) :)
When you get the opportunity, please reassure your wife that God does allow certain struggles in our lives, but HE never leaves us nor forsakes us. HE is with us through them....and having gone thru them our faith will be tested, but we will be stronger for it...and we will be able to help others going through a difficult time that may be similiar. God Blesses us in ways that we never thought of, or knew about! I have a recent testimony that I would love to share with you as a personal example in my life...and I would love to share it with you and your wife to encourage you in your faith, and let your wife know that God Loves her. Those words are not empty..they are filled with promise and hope!
Stand Strong in your faith... I believe that you already know this! Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
Blessings, Carla
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Permalink Reply by Gary on
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I think I've been on the opposite end of this one before. I was the non-theistic one and can empathize with your wife's feelings as well. (Isn't part of the Christ story empathizing with those not worthy???)
Why not just love her and thank God that she's in your life, not somebody else's?
What's the point of the light if there's not darkness to shine into?
You might be interested in Fowler's stages of spiritual growth: http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/fowler.htm
Perhaps your wife is growing.
Let her.
Love her.
WWJD.
There are the sheep and goats (Mat 25:31-46) and not all who think they have it all figured out, really have it all figured out.
God needn't be put in a box.
Trust.
Faith.
Love.
Shine with joy.
Thank the Lord for peace that passes all understanding, for peace that the world cannot give.
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