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I need an answer
My husband of 13 years is addicted to drugs. For the past 6 months, he has begun to stay gone all night at least 2 nights every week. He lies about where he is going, tries to hide his whereabouts, and what he is doing. He is texting and calling other females, when questioned, he just says it is business. He either buys from or sells drugs to these women. He says that there is nothing else going on. He told me to not worry at some point he will be home and I shouldn't sit up all night worrying about what he is doing and where he is. I love him, we have a family, have 3 children at home. He leaves the children home alone while I am at work, they are old enough now to be alone, they are ages 15, 13, and 10, but he spends no time with them. I do not want to end my marriage,I don't want my children to have a broken family. They know that something is wrong, but they aren't sure what it is. I have prayed for him to be healed from his addiction. But he does not want healing. He blames himself for his brothers death and claims that using drugs is the only way that he can get through the day. I have tried to tell him that I feel so lonely, I am always alone. He is gone all day and most of every night and all night at least 2 days a week. I eat alone, spend my time alone and most of the time sleep alone. He seems to think that my request of his changing his behavior is unreasonable and calls it mood swings because I get upset. How can I find peace and forgiveness and what should I do?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Denise on
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Thank you Carla and Bev! You are saints and angels sent from God to help me through this! I love you too so much for your comforting words and scriptures and prayers that you have had for me and my marriage and my family. Last night and again this morning my husband told me that he loved me. That is really all I ask for, love and companionship that a marriage brings to two people. I was so grateful to hear that. I know that he has a drug problem, and that from what I have learned,addictions are going to come first and foremost before anything or anyone. So, please help me pray for him to be healed. I have something else that I have prayed for an answer to, I have some knowledge of the drug transactions and people involved, I have wondered if I should turn in that information to the authorities, or just stay out of it. I have prayed that God would lead me in the right direction about that too. I searched the scriptures that you suggested reading, and I prayed the Psalms 17 this morning. It seemed to fit me so well. I feel as though I am surrounded by mortal enemies, and I so desperately need God to listen to my cry and hear my prayers! Thank you for praying with me and for me! Bev, I will try my best to take your advice and not get discouraged and if I do, get my mind on something else and not dwell on it. Let God be my strength, I like the scripture that says we are more than conquerors. I just sometimes feel that I am not conquering much, I guess I should be praying for patience and endurance as well. I know that God will answer when he sees fit. I just wish that it was over quickly!
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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Denise-
i read everyones comments over lunch and i can see how God is building you up throught this situation.
Your last comment is so much different than your first. You are growing through this ordeal.
TOUGH predicament, but sis.... it is so full of potential for you to shine. This situation can help you grow tremendously or frustrate you, AND I SEE YOU ARE CHOOSING TO GROW - SO COOL.
You can be a light among the chaos or you can cry out "Why, Why Me." which is a common and natural response but we should ask instead "WHAT LORD?" WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME TO LEARN THROUGH THIS? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO GROW IN AND CHANGE?
Hu????? hahahaha change? they have to change not me hehe this is our human response, but sis, we are not of this world though we live in it. Not saying this is how you are reacting since i don't know you :) And I do see a change happenign in you.
You see sis, is not so much you helping your hubby, as important and essential as that is, is more about God allowing you to be place in a tough situation so you can mature and SEEK HIM.
Ask Him what it is that He wants you to let go (about your character etc) and what does He want you to replace it with.
The above is impossible to do correctly if you do not abide in the word, in prayer, worship and good Christian fellowship sis.
Primarily get in the word. It is our food and what renews our mind and equips us as well.
I praise God for the warrior He is building you to be - Keep growing in His Grace through this beloved sis.
Littlesheep said this to you:
"I realized just a few days ago that I was doing this. I was running to church to see what God wanted to say to me that day from the mouth of His minister. I was running to christian television to hear what God wanted to do in my life. I was surfing the web reading ministers comments about what I should do with my life when the whole time God was with me, on the inside of me. Guiding me. I just couldn't hear Him."
You are hearing Him now child, through this aweful ordeal life will come into your spirit and Home. OUR GOD IS GOD, OUR LORD IS LORD AND HE LOVES YOU. REST IN HIM, SEEK HIM MORE AND DO KNOW THAT YOU REMAIN IN OUR HEARTS AND WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY MORE AS HE GUIDES US AND BRINGS YOU TO OUR REMEMBRANCE.
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Thank you David for taking the time to read all the posts and reply to this. When I first read your response and you said that you seen how God was building me up through this situation, my first thought was how wrong you were. Maybe you can see from a different perspective things that I can not, hopefully you are right. Something that I did read in your post was what Littlesheep said to me about running to church to see what God wanted to say to me, and christian television, and surfing the web, I DO THIS! I am so afraid that I won't hear God! I am not sure that I have the knowledge to know when he is speaking to me. How can I be sure? I am not sure that I can be the person that my husband needs and say the words that he needs to hear to make a difference in his life, but I know that I want to! I must have been brought into his life for a reason, we are so different. I have never been into drugs, it is a total mystery and I thank God for that. I asked my husband once, if he would love me more, if I would do drugs. He said no, absolutely not. I suppose that I am jealous of the time that his "friends" spend with him doing drugs or whatever it is they do besides that. I just want a piece of his time too, and I don't ever seem important enough to get that. I have learned that I should pray for my enemies, and although I am not sure that his friends are exactly enemies, they are a threat to our marriage and to our family, and I know that they desperately need prayer, so I have been asking that they experience God in their lives with every prayer I utter. (I saw on Christian television, that asking that someone experience God in their life, is the ultimate prayer, suitable for every need) I do desperately seek answers and comfort, and this website and all of you that have replied have been such a blessing to me and a comfort. I know that God has led you into my life to help guide me and I am so appreciative. After every post I make, I am so anxious to read a response, and so grateful when I see a new one and so comforted by the words. I am proud that you think I am being built up in this situation, I hope that you are right, I know that I have a long way to go, and my husband does too. He is gone again as I am writing, and I am going to post this, and pray, and try to go to sleep. I guess patience and endurance is something that I am lacking in and I am asking that you continue to remember me and my family in prayer. Thank you and God Bless!
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My dear sister Denise -
When construction starts in a property, the first thing the builders must do is clear ground Zero. The field where the building will be erupted must be clean, clean of all vegetation etc.
Once is clean construction can start. However beloved sis, God is not starting with a field that only has vegetation and some hills to level when dealing with us. The master builder when He builds you up (this is what I see now happening in your life) He first has to tear down all the old walls and rooms in our old building of a life. A life often in complacency and not really pleasing to God.
Matthew 9:17
Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."
The traditions, philosophies, habits, wrong attitudes etc. that we have come to love and cherish the familiar life and love for self has to be torn from us. Ohhhhh beloved that tearing of the old life hurts deeply. The roots of the old nature go deeeeepppppp into us, yet we are to be: Romans 6:6
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin
— Crucified. Ohhhhh beloved crucifixion hurts. To present our bodies as a living sacrifice ooouuuucccchhhh is painful, it means to kill yourself. Who likes to cut themselves up? No body. But cut we must, with the two edge sword.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Denise we serve a good God, He does not create evil in our lives, He is not the author of sin, nor those He temp us. What is happening in your life is due to your human short comings. I love the gospel because is full of good news, even when is working as a mirror to show us how wrong we have been, is good news, for we need to be rudely awaken sometimes cause the house is burning and we are complacently sleeping. God is not after condemning His children sis and neither am I beloved.
God is capable of turning the sin into a blessing for us, for His glory, God is building you up sis, but first he has to mold the clay. You are and have been in the potter’s wheel. Now your sins and your husbands have caught up with you guys, Repent sis, tell Him to forgive you for not putting Him first in your life. He is simply using that tragedy to strengthen you and build you. Not an easy process, but a must for you and yours to jump into the will of God. The will of God for your family and not where ever you were before this.
You are seeking God as never before now. Great!!!! Beautiful!!!! Run to him and do not listen to the liar that is throwing condemnations to you, by telling you “be afraid, you won't hear God! You don’t even know when He is speaking to you. You can not be the person that your husband needs nor do you know the words that he needs to hear to make a difference in his life!
All that comes from demons/fallen angels throwing fiery darts to your mind and your flesh SCREMING DON’T KILL ME, DO NOT CRUCIFY ME. I LOVE COMPLACENCY!!!!!!!!!
BY THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES CHILD OF GOD, I TELL YOU, WITH THE AUTHORITY GIVEN TO THE CHILDREN OF THE LORD, I TELL YOU, DO NOT LISTEN TO THOSE LIES, BUT LISTEN TO YOUR FAITHFUL AND LOVING FATHER. WHAT SATAN HAS BROUGHT INTO YOUR HOME TO DESTROY, THE LORD WILL TURN AROUND FOR HIS GLORY.
Get in the word and be more excited about hearing Him than us and He will speak to you through His word. Be obedient to the Lord and delight in His word and He will give you the desires of your heart. God will give you the words to tell your hubby, but you cannot give him what you do not have sis. Feast in the word and you will have left over hahahaaha to bless even others, as you start shinning in the midst of the trial! Hallelujah
OUR LORD IS LORD, OUR GOD IS GOD!
You are under construction :)
1 Corinthians 3:9
For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, you are God’s building. Blessings DV
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I pray you know my above comment is not written with an angry tone, but with much Godly love for you sis. Ok :)
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Hello to all, I have an update to tell you. My husband was gone last night all night, and I last my temper, and I have throwed all his clothes out and told him to get out. I may not be in line with God's word, I am not sure, and I do want to do what is right. But I am tired of this too, and so I have told him to get out and live the way that he wants to live. He has gone, didn't take his clothes or anything so I know that he will have to come back at least for that. I think that he thinks I have lost my temper and that I will get over it and he will go right back to doing what he always does whatever that maybe. Please pray for me to guide me in the right direction and give me strength. Oh, and David, thank you so much for your help, I so appreciate it. Please continue to pray for me!
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Hello Friends, I haven't written in few days, not that I haven't thought about you and needed your prayers, but I just feel as though sometimes I am just having a pity party for myself and I don't want to do that. My husband is still living at home, and he is still doing drugs and staying gone all night and lying about his actions. We did have somewhat of a talk on Saturday night, and he said that he didn't mean for his misery to spill over on me and the children, and that he was unhappy with life but not unhappy with me. He said that getting high is the only way he knows how to get through the day, and not feel the pain and misery that he feels every morning when he gets up. So I did feel somewhat better, hearing that he isn't unhappy with me because I have been afraid that he has been cheating on me, and I have so much insecurities about that. But I asked him to please quit what he is doing, and he said no. So, how do I respond to that? Please continue to pray for him, and me, and our marriage, and our children. Please ask that God lead him into a direction where he can make new friends that aren't drug addicts. Please continue to pray for me as well. I need it as much as he does!
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Hey Denise-
It's good to hear from you sis. Please feel free to come on here and unburden your heart beloved. You are not alone. We are your family and care about you. I am sure some of the sisters here would have coffee or tea with you if distance was not an Issue, but there is no distance for us in the Spirit, so come on over sister.
The truth of the matter is that your husband may have started doing drugs to forget or whatever reason, but now he is addicted and he now uses, mainly because of that painful truth, he is an addict. I was addicted to cocaine for almost 8 years, so I am speaking from experience sis. He will say whatever he needs to say to have a roof over his head and continue consuming drugs. That does not mean he does not love you and the kids, but the drug drives him now.
As long as you rather have him regardless of all his abuse, rather than getting a restraining ordered to make him seek rehab, it will be almost impossible to turn the situation around. Nothing is impossible for God and there have been cases where God changes it all around, without the person ending in jail or rehab. That is just the plain truth, because addicts only stop when extreme situations occurred (jail or rehab).
You have to start asking the Lord to strengthen you and help you make the hard decisions that will bless your family in the long run sis.
Blessings beloved
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Wow!!!! what a drag what u are going through. What can one say to you. In some cases what is sin for one person, is not sin for another. Isn't it said that in some cases, like doing drugs, that if one does not think it is a sin, than it is not a sin for them? A question i would ask is: what does he do and think about when he is high"? Does he pray, does he meditate on the Lord? One problem i see with doing drugs is that the drugs alter ones mind and leaves the door wide open for Satan to enter and lead him into other things.. It is said "Do not be "drunk" when the lord returns." Is your husband religious in any way shape or form. Does he believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior? I would be afraid of what follows him into the house when he comes in. People on drugs will say just about anything to get their way. What kind of drugs does he do. Is it something strong like a crack addiction. Or is it minor like a marijuana addition. Neither is good. It would be a shame if he went through all of ya'lls money and you lost all that you have. I thought u kicking him out was a good move. Maybe that would make him see the seriousness of it all. I surely would not tolerate the staying away from home. Can't you go live with your parents or maybe even his parents. Are you 2 young or older. I feel so sorry for your situation. Keep praying that is for sure!!!!
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With all due respect Donna and with brotherly love,
The use of narcotics to get high is always a sin. All the activities surrounding the use are sin as well. He is breaking the law of the land and that is sin also, so the verses found in Romans 14 that are saying that to some "a thing" might be sin, while yet others may exercise their Christian freedom in the practice do not apply to drug use. I am not sure if you were asking or dictating, so I just wanted to make the clear distinction, from doing something that we have the freedom to exercise versus something completely wrong.
You have made some awesome questions to sister Denise and i am looking forward to reading her answeres.
Blessings :)
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I also, at this point in my life agree that the use of drugs is not good. I feel like it separates one from God. But, But, But, many people have found Jesus and God from their use of drugs and many other things. I do know that the bible says don't be drunk. I have looked up "drunk" and it always talks about liquor. Now did Jesus turn water into wine? Yes!!! And it was the best wine. Although i do not believe that the message was to drink, it was more like Jesus can do anything. I am not condoning doing drugs or drinking but I am not judge or jury and cannot be that. I will one day know God's book, the Holy Bible, and be able to point out scripture to back what I feel and believe. I do know that as of this minute i have not fully read the whole bible but hope to have finished it one day. Something, like drugs, that would pull someone away from their children and wife is not good. But, people go through all kinds of things to come to Jesus and God. Most situations are there to give us a chance to glorify God someway or somehow. Her dedication to God may be what brings him to God one day. Only God knows. Keep the faith and pray pray pray for your answers. May God be with you and all of us. Always say the name "Jesus" and the demons run away. Pray through Jesus our Lord and Savior.
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Thank you David and Donna! I have tried to write this three times, and it keeps getting erased, so here goes again. I want to answer some of your questions Donna. First of all, we are both in our mid forties. I think that sometimes is part of his problem, the getting old thing. Wanting to be young again, or holding onto being young again. He talks alot about getting old. As for his addictions, they are marijuana and meth. Meth being the biggest problem of course. When I throwed his clothes out, he never left the house, he claimed he had done nothing wrong. That I am just having mood swings and accusing him of things. He says that I am always trying to change things, by wanting to paint, wanting to change my hair, lose weight, and then he says that I am trying to get rid of him and find someone else. Which is not true. Sometimes I long for a normal relationship and wonder if I had someone else if I could have that. But as far as wanting another man, I don't. I want my husband and I want my marriage to work and last. I pray that God will bless our marriage, and that we will love each other as God would have us to love each other and be the wife that he would want me to be and the husband that he would want him to be. I am very insecure about him cheating on me. I am so scared that he will. I pray that he doesn't, and I pray that God will give me strength in that area. My husband deals with several women, he told me that they think he is honorable, and that someday I will be sorry that I have accused him and thought he was no good. Of course, I panicked at the thought of the "girls he hangs around with saying that" Then I thought if that is true, they have no idea what I am going through, they wouldn't think that if the shoe was on the other foot, and then I thought that the girls that he "hangs around with" are not very credible in the first place, but I feel guilty, because that is being judgmental. I pray that he finds some Christian friends! I asked him today to please stop this and he told me no, no maybe, no I will try, just simply no. He claims that I am like a warden and want him to obey my rules. He also claims that I am always wanting to change things like painting the walls, or cutting my hair, and now I am trying to change him, or find someone else. He made me feel so guilty because I wanted to paint my bedroom. Why do things have to always change he said. As for his religion, he says he is not sure that there is a God. If there is a heaven, then why would anyone want to live in this world, everyone would just die and go to Heaven to get away from all of this misery, he says. He also says that everyday he prays that God will take him and not make him live in this misery anymore. That hurts me and the children because we think that we are what is making him miserable. He did tell me that he is happy with me and the children, which I was so thankful to hear, because like I said, I am so afraid that he will cheat on me that I can't think of anything else. I wonder if that is why he is gone all night and lying about where he is. I have decided that part of the reason for being gone all night, is that what else is there to do all night when you stay awake, but go find others that are doing the same thing? We live in a very rural area, the streets roll up at dark, so if you are awake all night you would have to find your own entertainment. And I do not participate, so of course he doesn't want to stay at home with me, and go to bed at 10:00 p.m. just to lay there and act as though you are asleep. He has done that, and I can tell it was frustrating to him. David, if you can relay some insight on how drugs and the desire for them make you think and act, I would be so grateful. That is something that I know nothing about, other than, I know that the drugs are going to come first and foremost before anything or anyone. As for me going to live with my parents, they are both gone now. Fortunately, they left me the family home for me and my children, so I am secure in a place to live, and I work, so I can support us, we won't be rich, but we will get by. He doesn't take money from us, so that is not a problem, he trades, sells, or whatever to support his habits. As for his parents, they are divorced, and as for his siblings, they are all on drugs. I have often wondered if it isn't a chemical imbalance in their brains, I have heard of that, and it is strange that all of them are. He had bitter feelings toward his mother over his brother's death, so he would never go to her for help, and honestly, I don't think she cares for him like she does the rest of her children. David, you said that it will take something serious to make him stop and get rehab, well I have decided to turn him in to the authorities and it hurts me to do it, but in another way, I feel some sort of peace. I feel guilty that I want him to get in trouble over his actions and be punished, but at the same time, I know that you are right. Pray for both of us and our family, please and thank you~!
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