All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
Rejoice I tell you, REJOICE
Please bless us with clean Christian jokes so we can exercise the tummy. :)
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV Evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."
From Mikey's Funnies -
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More Church Bulletin Fun
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* Next week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today.
* A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow.
* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. -
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The Lighter Side of Talking to God
A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.
The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish.
The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.
The Lord thought, then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" -
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An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals, so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake." -
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A man was standing off the edge of the Sydney Harbour Bridge --about to jump. A passer-by tried to talk him down; he asked: "well, are you a Christian?" to which the man answered "yes." He exclaimed: "great, me too; what kind of Christian are you? Orthodox, Catholic, Protestant?" The answer was: "Protestant." "Me too; what kind of Protestant? Anglican, Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, Pentecostal?" The man got excited: "me too; are you an initial evidence or a third wave Pentecostal?" "Initial evidence." "Me too; what kind of initial evidence? Are you a AOG, CRC, COC, CCC?" "AOG." Now, he got really excited: "Me too; are you Premillenial, Post Millenial or Amillenial?" The guy on the bridge said: "Amillenial" and with that the passer-by, becoming very angry, screamed: "Die, heretic!" and pushed him off the bridge. HAHAHAHA MAN THIS ONE TOPS IT.
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Out of the Mouths of Babes Humor
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole." -
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You (or your Parents) might be a Missionary if...
20. You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that support your "native" language's alphabet.
19. You feel you need to move after you've lived in the same place for a month.
18. You have a name in at least two different languages, and it's not the same one.
17. You don't think that two hours is a long sermon.
16. You haggle with the checkout girl for a lower price.
15. You refer to gravel roads as highways.
14. Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal to you.
13. You know how to pack.
12. You realize that furlough is not a vacation.
11. You sort your friends by continent.
10. You do your devotions in another language.
9. You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
8. You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
7. You can cut grass with a machete, but can't start a lawnmower.
6. You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.
5. You consider a city 500 km away to be "very close".
4. You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
3. You read National Geographic and recognize someone.
2. You speak two languages, but can't spell in either.
1. You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?" -
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Church Signs
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!
It is unlikely there'll ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.
People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking? -
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Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...
-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.
- They have ATM machines in the lobby.
- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.
- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)
- They have karaoke worship time.
- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.
- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.
- The church bus has gun racks.
- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.
- The choir wears leather robes.
- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?" -
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A Sure Cure
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!" -
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The Dead Church
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror. -
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Permalink Reply by Stacey Osana Arquines on
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Brother D,
you silly head
Christians are all believers in God who love Jesus Christ and acknowledge Him for saving such a wretch that they were; with lots of love to the point where they would give many oooOOOooXxxXxxOOoXX
Love you Bro come back I miss you!! (If you need some scripture let me know)
<3 :) -
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