Going through a divorce that I don't want

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on November 21, 2008 at 5:15am

Dear Patience,
I see that no one has replied yet to your post of the 15th. It is now the 20th. I wrote something the other day but it all disappeared when I hit the wrong key! I didn't have time then to retype it either.

But here I am again. Sorry for the delay.

I think you are right when you ask the question:

"did God give me this peace as a sign not to worry myself over something that will work itself out?"

This a place where I have found myself many times, and every time the answer is the same from my Heavenly Father, "dwell, live, immerse yourself, stay, in my peace because I will work things out as I see best for you."

The worst thing you can do now is worry. You need calm, control, peace, strength for the day each day. There are plenty of promises and encouragements in God's word that will help you along this path of not worrying. I can pull some of them out for you if you like.

And I praise God that you have started to receive this peace from the Lord, and that you are in a good, helpful church that is supporting and helping you.

Are you crazy? I don't think so. You are experiencing all the thoughts and emotions of a normal human being in your circumstance. Upsetting? Yes. Confusing? Yes. Bewildering? Yes. Being pulled in two different directions at the same time? Yes. Wanting him back? Giving him to God to work in his life? Yes. Not knowing where this will lead? Yes. Humanly no place to go to escape the pain of loss? Yes.

You see I have been there, and so have others. Bob B says he started this site so that no one would have to go through what he went through - alone.

Something my Heavenly Father showed me in prayer yesterday, I was praying for someone who is in great pain and in great need, and I felt that I should take them in my arms and lift this poor broken soul and body into the presence of God on his throne. Imagine my surprise when I felt God say, place them here in my arms on my lap.... He really is our Heavenly Father, and wants us to know that He cares for us. The apostle Peter said to christians who were being badly treated: "cast [throw, hurl] all your care upon him for he cares for you."

It is not easy to cast your care on the Lord.

A christian joke is, I took my burdens to the Lord, but then I carried them away again!

The problem is an emotional one. When we are deeply hurt it is not easy to unburden ourselves. When the burdens are important to us, it is not easy to unburden ourselves. Our care for our children for example. That is why I like the meaning of the word that Peter uses: it means cast, throw, hurl our cares on the Lord. It sometimes, especially when we are not used to it, takes tremendous effort to give the burden to the Lord and leave it there. So we have to make a real effort to do it. Don't worry, God won't mind if you get violent in this. In fact I think he welcomes it.

With my prayers and love in Christ Jesus



Derek

Permalink Reply by Sara on November 21, 2008 at 6:20am

Thank you, it is so hard to wait. I read that waiting is a part of walking with faith. I have faith that God is working on my behalf and that is enough for me. Did God do what was best for you?

Patience

Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on November 27, 2008 at 3:55am

Yes He did. he showed me that I needed to work on myself. I needed to change and to grow both as a person and in Him.

After 8 years of separation I took part in a course for separated and divorced here in England, and I learnt that I needed to get on with my own life. The course was called "Breakthrough", and it was indeed a breakthrough for me. Instead of going round in circles making the same old mistakes and getting nowhere I had to learn to stand on my own two feet and be free in myself and in Christ to move forward.

I found the course helped also because I discovered I wasn't alone. It was a great help to be able to fellowship with those who were hurting like me.

Since then life has been a tremendous adventure, lots of ups and downs, pain, heartache, learning lessons of all sorts, victories and triumphs, and I wouldn't change it for the world, because my Heavenly Father and my Saviour Jesus, His Son, are walking with me in it, guiding and leading me into what He wants for me.

Sorry if I can't reply quickly, I am so busy I can't get on to AllaboutGod every day. And this at 73 yrs old! I never thought I would be in a place like this in my life at this age, but here I am and its Praise God all the way.

Waiting is hard if you don't have anything to do while you are waiting, yes? !!! Hang in there certainly, in faith, and prayer, and praise, but God will have something for you to do today while you are waiting. Walk with Him in it and be blessed.

With my love and prayers in Christ our Saviour and Healer,


Derek

Permalink Reply by Sara on November 27, 2008 at 5:56am

Thank you so much for responding. You give me hope and inspiration.

God bless you,

Patience

Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on November 29, 2008 at 5:48am

I am so glad that you found what I shared with you helpful. Here are a couple of things that helped me and still do:

Here is part of a psalm of king David when he had to hide in a cave from Saul who wanted to kill him. It can also be used to see how Jesus walked and prayed and communed with His Father in heaven when he was persecuted while here on earth.
And we can use it too when we feel that others are mistreating us, things are really bad and we find that all we can do is commit ourselves to our loving Heavenly Father in prayer and rest.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfils his purpose for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

Psalm 57 verses 1 to 3 [New International Version]

As you read the Bible you will find that many of the people you find have just the same sort of experiences as we do. I find it a great inspiration. But especially that Jesus experienced everything that we have been through and are going through and because of this He knows just how each of us feels.

"Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted [this also means tried, or tested] in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Hebrews chapter 4 verses14 to 16.

With my prayers in Jesus to our loving Heavenly Father, the God of all grace, hope and salvation.


Derek

Permalink Reply by Sara on November 29, 2008 at 6:37am

Derek,

I have give my life over to Jesus and I finally feel at peace. It is so comforting to know that He is in charge. I know that He is going to make everything alright in the end. I pray for my children to find comfort in Him because how hard this has been on them. I also forgive my husband and pray that the Lord can save him, so he can live a life pleasing to God. I have faith this will happen.

God bless you and thank you for being there for me,

Patience

Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on December 2, 2008 at 5:30am

Patience,

When I came to this group today I had a thought in mind to share with you, but having read your reply I want to say how blessed I am at reading it. You have such a beautiful heart which can be seen in what you say.

A heart at peace with God, because you have accepted His Word about you, that you need His Salvation, and you have come to Him and given yourself completely to Him. And also His Word about Himself that He is the God of all peace, and wants you to live in His peace. Christ is our peace because He has paid the penalty for our sins, and has reconciled us to God. You now live in the peace of God, and whenever you need to, you can call on Him. Because now He is your Saviour and Lord. He will defend you from all harm, and keep you in eternal life in His presence for ever.

Jesus said to His disciples just before He went to die on the cross:
The Gospel according to John chapter 16 verse 33

"I have told you these things [all that He had said in chapters 13 to 16] so that in Me you might have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Then in chapter 17 we have His wonderful prayer for us.

We live in a world which sometimes is very hard for us, and it seems there are attacks on us in different ways. The thing to do as a Christian is to live close to Jesus and to our Heavenly Father in the Presence and power of the Holy Spirit because this is what God wants to do with us.

You pray for your husband, and you forgive him. This is so hard isn't it? It took me a long time to forgive my wife. I said the words but my heart had anger in it still. I still need the Lord to work in me in this to heal me. He has brought me a long way, but there is still further to go. Bless you my sister as you walk in forgiveness.

And you pray for your children. I pray with you too, that they will come to know Jesus as their Saviour, and that they will be able to cope with all that has happened to them because their Daddy has left them as well as you.

This happened to me, and I found it very painful. Children really do feel great pain when a parent leaves them like this.

The Lord fill you and your children with His great love so that you can come through this terrible experience well and find a bright future, full of hope and promise, love, joy, peace, and all the good things that God has prepared for you and your children.

And now I come to the thought I wanted to share with you, which has been a great help to me.

In the Bible the word "help" and "helper" is there many times. It can be a verb where it means "help me!" or it can also be a noun where it means someone who helps another. Can you open Psalm 121 with me now?
See here how the word "help" is used.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Now to the thought I want to leave with you: we cry for help when we are in need or danger, and if this is very urgent we shout out "HELP!" Like a person who is drowning for example or is being attacked. Or a baby who is very hungry or is in pain or distress!
The word that is used in the Bible in the original language both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament means "to shout" "to cry out" this means it is a word that is very strong in its meaning. And it is this strong cry for help to God that God responds to.

King David wrote a Psalm [and other similar ones too] which shows how he cried to the LORD when he needed help, and how the LORD helped him. It is Psalm 40.

"I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet upon a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand."

And he goes on to praise the LORD and prophesy about all the good that will come from his deliverance.

In verse 17 he says about God "You are my help and my deliverer."

But this psalm is also prophetic and messianic. That means, it applies to our Lord Jesus Christ. The words of this psalm describe the experience of Jesus while He was here on earth, and when He was in need, especially when he was attacked, and when He was dying on the cross for our sins.

Psalm 22 is another psalm which is the cry of Jesus to His Father when He was dying on the cross. In the New Testament it says that Jesus cried out "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

Those are only the first words of the psalm. What Jesus would have in His mind and in His heart is the whole psalm. This is because as a child He learnt the Bible off by heart. And the whole of this psalm shows clearly some of what Jesus was thinking, and feeling on the cross.
Notice especially verse 19
"But You, O LORD, be not far off;
O my Strength, come quickly to help me."

Of course, Jesus wasn't asking His Father to stop Him dying. He knew that this was the will of his Father. But He was asking for His Father's help in the midst of all His agony, and He was asking His Father to raise Him from the dead after he had died.

Verses 22 to 31 in psalm 22 are the words that Jesus would have had in his heart as He looked forward to His resurrection and His Ascension into heaven. Even while He was suffering He could look forward to the salvation that was to come as the result of His death.

Going back now to Psalm 121, look now at the very great and precious promises that are in verses 3 to 8. Here it spells out in detail what it means to have God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit, as our Helper.

Patience, life will have its ups and downs, its trials and temptations, I cannot say what sort of life you and your children will have, but what I can say from my own experience over many years, these words are literally true for you as they are for every believer in the Lord Jesus.

God has a great purpose for you here on earth and an even greater one in heaven in His glorious presence. When you reach heaven you will be able to look back and see how God has fulfilled all these promises in your own life. So do all you can to enjoy these wonderful promises of God that are so true of you. The greatest thing in our life is to know that God is with us and that we can enjoy this amazing relationship with Him.

So, whenever you need to, cry "HELP! LORD". And expect Him to come to your help exactly as you need it at the time.

God Bless you in His great love,

Derek

Permalink Reply by Sara on December 2, 2008 at 6:00am

Derek,

I was crying out to the Lord last night because I am still so sad over my husband. Your message was so beautiful. I received an answer, it came to me as I was waking up this morning. He said "they will see the light". I have been praying for my husband, the "other" woman and my sister. When it came to me I felt this kind of shock that coursed through my chest. I have never felt this way before. I don't know what that means for me and my children but I do know that they will find God at last. You can't know how much your message means to me, I love God with all my being but I still feel so much sadness at times. It feels like I am not embracing Him enough or that I am still lost at times. Please continue to pray for my children, they are having such a hard time. They are at an age ,11,10 and 2, where they know what is going on but not the why. I am 29 and I still don't understand the why. It is so hard to still love a person and know that they don't love you. I know that God has plans for me and I hope I can fulfill them in a way that pleases Him. You are such a nice and wonderful person, Derek, thank you so much for reaching out to me when I really needed it. God bless you, I know that God has sent you to my life.

Patience

Permalink Reply by Derek Hill on December 4, 2008 at 6:06am

Patience,

I am so glad that you have discovered the secret of crying out to God, especially in a time of great need. This is exactly how God works. We cry to Him, and He answers. This is sure and definite. He WILL answer. This faith in God answering the cry of His children is so important that I want to put in here another verse, which I already had in my heart to share with you.

The nation of Israel was disobedient to God. God sent His prophets to warn them of the consequences. One of them was Isaiah. He not only warned them, but he also encouraged them to believe that God would help those who were faithful to Him even in the times of destruction that were coming on the nation.

In chapter 40 verse 27 and following God said through His prophet,

"Why do you say, O Jacob [Jacob was one of the fathers of the nation] and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God?"
Do you not know? Have you not heard?


[The LORD: when LORD is in capital letters it means that the word in Hebrew, the language of Israel, is the name of God, YAHWEY, the name that God gave to His people as His special name. It means "The living God who exists,[no other 'god' exists at all, they are lying spirits who try to deceive us into being afraid of them] and is the Creator and Redeemer of His people. It is His covenant Name with His people. That includes you because you believe in Jesus as your Saviour.]


"The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no-one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Where it says "hope" there, the word in the Hebrew means: "to hope with eager expectation". Like children when they are expecting a present for their birthday for example.

Now here is the difficult bit! But did you expect it all to be easy with God? !! Some things are and some things are not. It is great wisdom to learn what is easy and what is hard in our walk with God and why. But that is another story for another day. At the moment let's concentrate on the wonderful truth that God listens to our cry and answers us immediately according to our need, or as He wants to give to us.
And that we should eagerly expect and look for the answer that God gives us. Be alert, for God is a God of suprises, He will always do something new.

Your own experience now shows you that God did hear your cry and He did answer. And now you find yourself asking, what does this mean? This is really wonderful. You are asking the right questions.
So lets have a look at what you experienced. You felt the Lord saying to you "They will see the light", and you took this to mean that they will find God at last.

If this is from God, you will find that the conviction that this will come to pass will grow with you, and God will reinforce it for you. He may continue to ask you to pray for them, or He may help you to realise that your prayers for them have been heard, and there is no more need to pray for them, only to wait and praise and see the Hand of God in their lives as He leads them to salvation in Jesus. This is learning to walk with God in prayer for others.

But I want to say something here which is very delicate, and I hope you can take it in the right way. You also mentioned your own need, you feel great sadness over your husband, and later on you say, I still feel so much sadness at times. It feels like I am not embracing Him enough or that I am still lost at times.

And again, It is so hard to love a person and know that they don't love you [your husband that is].

The first thing I want to say is, our Loving Heavenly Father hears the cry of the broken hearted. Let me take you to the prophet Isaiah again, chapter 61 verse 1 to 3.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendour."

Isaiah here is talking about the coming Messiah, Jesus Christ. And when He came He read these very words out in the Synagogue in Nazareth, His home town where He grew up. See Luke chapter 4 verse18 and 19. And said, "this very day, these words are fulfilled in your hearing". Meaning, I am the one whom God has sent to do these things prophesied by Isaiah.

Firstly, this means that Jesus brings us to salvation, and dries all our tears about sin. But secondly, He also takes a personal interest in each one of us and wants to help us in our need.

So what would this mean for you?

I my own experience it is a great lesson to learn, that when I am sorrowful and sad over something that I should be sad about, then I can rest in the presence of my Heavenly Father with all my sadness and tell Him all about it. Being sad does not mean that I am not embracing God, or that I am not saved, it means that I am sad because something sad has happened to me, and as a child of my Heavenly Father I can come to Him for comfort.

And we can be sure that He will help you because He sent His only Son from heaven to do that very thing. In this case "To bind up your broken heart, to comfort you as you mourn".

You need to grieve, and you need to be gentle with yourself, as God Your Heavenly Father is gentle with you, and Jesus your Saviour is gentle with you. Please go over what I have said previously about how to understand and cope with all the different thoughts and feelings you have.

Have a look also at the precious words of Jesus in Matthew chapter 11 and verses 28 to 30.

When we come to first believe in Christ for our salvation, it is often difficult for us because we are not used to this new way of life. Sometimes we wonder if God has really accepted us, or whether we are really saved. If you find yourself with these thoughts just remind yourself of what the Bible says about you, and what the Word of God promises you.

Of course I will continue to pray for you, and your children because I feel your loss and pain. I've been there myself and know what it is like. You are not alone, others on this website will also understand just what you are going through.

"The LORD bless you and keep you; [and your children]
The LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The LORD turn His face towards you and give you peace."

Here is a question for you! Can you find where these words come from?

Derek

Permalink Reply by Pastor Bob B on December 21, 2008 at 2:29pm

Hi Patience, I want to let you know that what your expearencing in your soul is what I shared in one of my Blogs recently called; Living in the eye of the storm with God. It is the peace that passes all understanding that God gives us when we are in relationship with Him. Dear sister I have been standing for the restoration of my marraige for 2 years and 4 months. A few days ago my wife was talking to me about restoration of our marraige. That thought was difficult to for me because I know it is not going to be an easy proscess. I am hopeful that God will completely restore my marraige, but even if it does not happen the way I imagine, I will not loose heart and will continue to trust, my life is in His hands.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that there are those here who have gone though similar situations. I pray for you and your children that God will minister to you in a very special way. I pray that your husband will come to his senses and come back to his marraige and family. I pray that you will keep your focus on jesus who will keep you in perfect peace.

In the love of Jesus
Bob

Permalink Reply by Sara on December 21, 2008 at 2:55pm

Thank you Bob and God bless you. I am having such a hard time with Christmas and it hurts so much. I hope and pray for his return and I pray that you can find healing also for your marriage. It is so hard and nobody knows the pain you go through unless they experience for themselves. Thank you so much for being there.

Love,
Patience

Permalink Reply by Tracy on February 17, 2009 at 10:30am

I am new to this group but am currently separated from my husband of nearly 20 years for three weeks now. The pain and lonliness is almost unbearable sometime. I am trying so hard to give this to the Lord and remove myself but the lack of patience messes that up sometimes. Waiting is the walk of faith is so true. I am trying to hang on to my sanity and through prayer hope that he returns to his life as a husband and father and gives up what he thinks is his new life. Please pray for our family and for my husband that he feel the Holy Spirit wroking in him.

Love,
Tracy

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