Living in fear and trying to do God's will

I am recently separated as well. I was a heavy drinker. In may, I put myself into a treatment center. I had reached a level of deep shame. I was verbally abusive and a very angry drunk. I often was hard on her children, my step-children. This in itself really hurt her. I''m sure I frightened our little daughter as well, who is 4 yrs old. 

My wife left while I was in treatment. I didn't see it coming at all. I was blown away coming home to a house without my family (I also have sons who visit on weekends, and she has an older son who lives at his own place) I cannot even describe the fear that rips at me. I think that if she had finalized our marriage, as in telling me that it's absolutely over, I could begin to try to heal. But she says that there may be hope. She won't say much more than that however. I want our marriage. I believe that God hates divorce. I believe that by God's hand our marriage can heal and be stronger than ever. I go to God daily, sometimes ten times daily in prayer and petition. She is the only woman I have ever truly loved, and I deeply love all of our children. It is impossible to help her understand the mind of an alcoholic and that I never wanted to hurt her or our children as I did. I was trapped in a deeply selfish and sick frame of mind, sober and drunk. I ask God to claim back our marriage...that he hurt be healed, and that my addiction be kept at bay. I stand on the Rock of Jesus' grace and forgiveness for what I had become in my addiction, and make my claim as a deserving husband and father.  I am sober now and active in recovery circles and my church, for my own good as much as my family's. My wife is in counselling to try to understand and work through how she feels (she feels betrayed by an alcoholic husband who's quit before and went back at the bottle) 

All said, the fear grips me daily. I can't push her into a decision. I do see my children twice weekly, and that is a blessing. I try to keep conversations with my wife light and friendly. (we talk daily, and she usually calls me first) I also ask God to grant me strength to do His will regardless of the outcome of my marriage. This is all well and good to talk about...but living it is a daily painful battle. Fear like I have never known.