Can't get out of it, why?

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Permalink Reply by Carla on May 21, 2013 at 3:13pm

Dekote,  I can see how that would be awful to someone who is without God.  it was awful to me prior to knowing Jesus also.

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Permalink Reply by Ricprimus on May 21, 2013 at 7:27pm

"What do you want to be set free from? Eternity" sounds like Lestalt's ongoing struggle with existence after so many centuries: been there, done that and I'm bored to death with every breath I take.

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Permalink Reply by Dekote on May 21, 2013 at 3:14pm

I surpressed it for 8 years; all I know is it's there, it's bad, and I don't want to know.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 21, 2013 at 4:43pm

Dekote, 
Suppression is OK. It's a coping mechanism and it's OK for you to keep using it. It may bother you to hear this next part but God knows when you will be ready to remember. Jesus is not only our Savior but our Healer. Many will reject the idea that God would be behind anything like suppression or depression. However, I believe these are actually gifts from God to some of those of us who have been so terribly hurt in life. God is actually walking with you through this and it's OK to have suppression and depression for now. They are keeping you in a safe place for now, helping you cope.

I so want to hear God's voice, too, instead of this horrible critical internal voice. I can't hear my own voice and my own spirit either. Guess what? Hopelessness is a safe place to be, too. At least, it's what I learned today in my counseling session. My hopelessness is safe for me because of all the times when I had hope, even just a little hope, then something horrible happened. So I learned to stop hoping, to stop getting my hopes up. 

Everything has been programmed into me backwards. Guilt, shame, self - blame. When I'm asked to do something I don't want to do, and if I say no, then terrible guilt washes over me. But guess what? It really means that saying no, for me, was the right thing for me to do. The guilt is lying to me. It's been programmed into me backwards as far as me allowing people to control me. When I would say no as a child, no I don't want you to touch me, no I don't want you to do that, no I don't want to do that, I learned that the consequences, for me, were very painful and it meant I was bad for saying no and I should always seek to keep people happy with me. I learned that my voice was bad and I should keep quiet and let no one hear me and just do everything expected of me.

I always have so much guilt even now and guilt and shame are the emotions I'm trying so hard not to feel, but today I learned how to let myself feel the guilt in a safe way. When someone asks me to do something I don't want to do, such as visit family or go to a Red's game, and I say no and the guilt comes, then I can be sure that my saying no was the right thing for me to say and was actually my voice saying it and my spirit saying it. If I make just that little bit of a shift in the way I respond to this feeling of guilt that I feel when I fail to please a person, then it will eventually be one of the things that will help lead to the re-writing of this faulty programming.

This just happened to me yesterday. Someone asked me to go to a Red's game that's coming up in Cincinnati but my mother in law and a couple of other in laws are going and I declined because I thought of being in the crowd and of being with them and I knew it would just be agony for me, and I said no, you'll have more fun without me. Then I felt so guilty and that inner voice was saying you just think you're better than other people, you're hurting the one you told no, you are causing a rift in your own relationship, etc ... So much guilt. I talked about that today and a few other examples of the times I've had this guilt, and then the insight came that this is backwards and, yes, listen to it but realize it means I did the right thing by saying no. 

I really hope that you will find a trusted Christian counselor with whom to talk. It is one of my prayers for you. I know your situation is much different from my own and what is working for me doesn't at all apply to you or to anyone else, and I'm not suggesting it will. This is my experience and what was programmed into my mind, starting at a very early age, and what must be re-written for me. And God is with me every step of the way, even in my hopelessness. Many will say that's just crazy -- God wanting you to feel hopelessness and depression! But I can't worry about the judgments of others. What I do know is that God cares about you and your pain just as much as God cares about me. I know He has something to help you heal just as He is working with me. It's a slow process and someone once asked me if I would still be depressed five years from now and my answer is, maybe.

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Permalink Reply by Dekote on May 21, 2013 at 4:57pm

Most of what you said applies to me, and I'm kind of glad to know I'm not the only one with that condisending voice because I thought I was going insane. Anyway whenever I do say no about certian things that start to make me feel guilty I start hearing that voice and instead of focusing on whatever it was earlier I just start fighting with it. No if I could only find something to block that out when it starts pointing out every single flaw I have!

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Permalink Reply by Carla on May 21, 2013 at 5:05pm

Dekote, 

 

We all have that voice.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 21, 2013 at 5:10pm

Dekote,
I asked how to block it out but I should listen and then realize that whatever that negative critical voice is saying to me, the the truth is just the opposite. Maybe that will help you. Don't fight it but listen and realize it isn't speaking truth. That insight helped me release the guilt over the Red's game anyway!

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Permalink Reply by feet breath on May 21, 2013 at 3:26pm

Dekote,you said you've suppressed it. One of the ways to heal is to talk about what's happened. If you don't than bottling things up will lead to destruction. I know...for I bottled things up since I was 2. In 8th grade I almost took my life because I couldn't handle anymore.

 

I'm just telling you this...while I don't know what you've been through, I do know suppressing pain isn't the answer for that only leads to destruction. He's still helping me to heal for I still have things that's been bottled up. But you know what? Once you get it off your chest it's one of the greatest reliefs in the world.

Maybe the blogs could help you.

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Permalink Reply by Leonard T on May 21, 2013 at 3:29pm

Dekote,

I want you to notice a couple of things that I wish to encourage you with.

1) You have come here angry at God and life. You have made some pretty harsh statements towards God and about God. Not one person who has responded to you has responded in anger towards you or attempted to defend God against your anger. Why haven't we blasted you for these things? It is because we, even though we do not know you personally, CARE ABOUT YOU and we know that God CARES ABOUT YOU. We recognize you are hurting. Often anger is a defense mechanism that is blocking or protecting the true problem.

2) We know that God is big enough to take your anger head on and in so doing in this life He will not crush you, but seek to calm and heal you. God is not interested in religous jargon ... He is interested in you and so are we. I don't know where your anger comes from, but I do know that there are people who actually and really care about YOU. You are not alone in this journey.

3) As God is a big God and can take your anger you may want to get alone and let it all out speaking all that is on your heart and mind. You may want to write it down, every bit of the anger and the cause of the anger. You may be surprised at what God will do in response. You may say you have done that, I disagree. I disagree based on the fact that it is evident that you are holding anger in and only letting out a little to releave the pressure, but not all.

4) The most important part of all of this you reject. You must decide if you want to heal and love God or just want to hurt and complain to and about God. There is no magical formula, but there is the Word of God. You claim you cannot understand it, read it anyway. God will use it to change your life or reject it and remain the same. God does not force you to accept Him no more than He forced Adam and Eve to rebel. God did not force you and me to sin, but He has offered a solution to our sin and separation from Him. Eternity awaits us all and we will either be with Him in joy and peace or separated in painful suffering. That is the Word of the Lord on the matter. He extends His hand to you, but you reject ... and He allows you to reject, but He keeps extending His hand. Yes He knows the future, but you and I do not. 

5) Thus the question is before you. We care about you. God cares about you. His offer of salvation is before you and I pray that you take it, take Him ... if not today, then soon.

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Permalink Reply by Dekote on May 21, 2013 at 3:53pm

You have come here angry at God and life. You have made some pretty harsh statements towards God and about God. Not one person who has responded to you has responded in anger towards you or attempted to defend God against your anger. Why haven't we blasted you for these things? It is because we, even though we do not know you personally, CARE ABOUT YOU and we know that God CARES ABOUT YOU. We recognize you are hurting. Often anger is a defense mechanism that is blocking or protecting the true problem.

I know, most of my replies are either in anger, sarcasm, or apathy(Right now I'm pretty much apathetic) and even though it's a defense mechanism, I don't want to know what the true problem it.

You may want to write it down, every bit of the anger and the cause of the anger. You may be surprised at what God will do in response. You may say you have done that, I disagree. I disagree based on the fact that it is evident that you are holding anger in and only letting out a little to releave the pressure, but not all.

Actually I was going to say I have not done that, thought about doing that but realized I'd remember the things I wanted to serpress and that would be bad. So letting it out a little at a time is the best I have; espiecally last year, that probably would have shoved me over the edge.

You must decide if you want to heal and love God or just want to hurt and complain to and about God.

Love is not one of the 4 emotions that I haven't locked away... I'll stop complaining once I have an alternative.

There is no magical formula, but there is the Word of God. You claim you cannot understand it, read it anyway. God will use it to change your life or reject it and remain the same. God does not force you to accept Him no more than He forced Adam and Eve to rebel. God did not force you and me to sin, but He has offered a solution to our sin and separation from Him.

I wish he would just force it, already knows how it's going to end anyway...

Eternity awaits us all and we will either be with Him in joy and peace or separated in painful suffering. That is the Word of the Lord on the matter. He extends His hand to you, but you reject ... and He allows you to reject, but He keeps extending His hand.

You already know my stance on eternity so I won't repeat it.

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Permalink Reply by Dekote on May 21, 2013 at 4:01pm

To Carla,

I tried that before and it didn't help much; probably because even though I trust someone I'd never meet more than anyone I live with, I still don't want to talk about it because that would mean remembering it and that would be very bad on my end because I'm already unstable.

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Permalink Reply by Carla on May 21, 2013 at 5:03pm

okay.. fair enough.  I can understand not being ready.  Please also know, that sometimes when we come to Jesus just to tell Him we need Him, we are not always instantly delivered from the thing that is making us burdened.  Jesus delivered me instantly from some things, and from others, it's been a process over several years.  He has always met me exactly where I am at....and doesn't force me to be ready....but rather HE gently leads me to a place of being ready.  While I'm on that journey my trust in Him grows, as does my understanding of the situation/circumstance.

 

I want you to know that you are on the right track if you are seeking to know Jesus.  HE came to set the captives free...and He knows the right timing so that you won't be hurt in the process.

 

Again, there is quite often Not instant healing...but it is a process of learning to trust in Him.  God's not finished with any of us, and He won't be until He brings us home---we're all 'works in progress'.  We're just here to tell you that what you can find right away is His Love and Forgiveness and His GRACE---which is beautiful.

 

 

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