Can I Vent

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on April 12, 2013 at 1:44pm

JourneyMan. He stays in the chatroom. We call him JM for short. He's admin as well. Precious man but his positive attitude kills me at times. LOLOL. He knows it though. I kid him all the time about it.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on April 12, 2013 at 12:27pm

Many people want to help when they see someone hurting but they don't know what to say or do. I had to learn and I'm still learning. People often feel helpless. All they may know to do is give you a hug and say, It's OK. What they really want is for it to be OK and for you to be OK -- they want a cure for whatever is wrong, a solution, to make things right again for you. It would probably be best to say something like, What can I do that would help you right now? In the hospice I worked for, employees were taught the three Bs: be sensitive, be available, be quiet. 

Offering emotional support to others is something we have to learn. But, first, one must care enough about others to want to learn how to help them. We all have shortcomings and are learning and growing. The best trait in teachers is being good learners. It is said that the best teacher is always a student. 

As far as what to say when someone dies -- it isn't helpful to say they have gone to a better place. It sounds nice, but the loss is very real and the bereaved are in a lot of pain. I think saying I'm sorry is OK because we are called to weep with those who weep and that means we must feel their sorrow with them. So we can truly say we are sorry if that's the case. We can ask them to tell us how they feel. 

But the truth is that often people don't know what helps or what hurts. This discussion is good because you are discussing what doesn't help but if we remember that people need to learn these things, then maybe we won't feel so offended by pious platitudes and thoughtless cliches because when someone has helped, if you let them know that they have helped, it helps them to learn what helps. Does that make sense? Many times people have helped others but they are never told that they did something that was really appreciated. 

Also we should tell others what we need. People can't read our minds. And it's OK to listen to someone in a similar situation because in that way help becomes mutual -- you are able to listen to that person's story as well as share your own story with that person and neither of you will feel so alone. But as you share stories, it isn't appropriate to say one's situation is worse than the other's situation. Both people are hurting and the experiences are different and no one knows how another feels. This is why you are sharing and listening -- so that you can learn how someone else feels and what has been their experience and they can learn about you and what you're going through.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on April 12, 2013 at 12:28pm

PS Tammy probably won't read this reply because of the length ... But there it is. Lol

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on April 12, 2013 at 1:49pm

ROFL. I will, paragraph at a time.

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on April 12, 2013 at 1:53pm

Thanks Amanda. I did read it & it helped. I tell them when suffering death to call me if I can do anything & I mean it.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on April 12, 2013 at 2:38pm

When dad died, I comforted myself with the Scripture that says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I know he knew the gospel and had called on the name of Jesus years and years ago. But I could not be comforted in anyway during the last weeks of his illness and end of life. I'm told that I still haven't allowed myself to fully grieve for him. But when my sister's husband died suddenly at the age of 42, leaving behind her and an eight year old son, there was no way I would even have dared telling them that he was in a better place. While it is true that he likely was, for he was a Christian, his family that he left behind were in so much pain and wondering how they would be able to go on without him. My sister wondered how she would ever fill the shoes of both mother and dad for her son. She wondered how she would provide for them. She wondered how she would overcome the loneliness. People who lose loved ones have very genuine painful feelings. To trivialize their pain or minimize it would be unthinkable IMO. If someone is severely malnourished we wouldn't think of telling them not to feel hungry. People in heaven are happy and at rest and at peace but those left behind have to bear the pain and sorrow and need to be allowed to grieve and heal. Mourning helps us heal.

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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on April 12, 2013 at 4:26pm

I understand all that is being said, the why's and the why not'. The process of sanctification towards maturity that we are all on.  How people are different and how we need to be led by the Spirit to speak or simply serve. The importance of the 3 B's Amanda mentioned etc...

 

Yet, my heart cries out - where are the people of God who can rejoice through it all. Where are the people to whom to live is Christ and to die is gain? Who are not completely torn to pieces and have to go through years of recovery because a love one dies? Ok they died, God gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. I love my kids and my wife but if they die, they die, they are eternal, and I am not tripping on that. Loneliness and sadness are real, but my Lord conquers all.

 

We also need to be reminded that with Christ all is possible, not just possible, with him things are different. We can get to a place where we are not torn to pieces when trouble comes. Do I personally always have the best reaction when horrendous pain comes my way, nope, I would be a liar if I was to say different, but God has blessed me, like he has many others, with the capacity to be strenghten by his joy.

 

It is possible beloved family not to dwell on the shallow waters of humanity. We are the children of God and with him we are more than conquerors. That is not just a saying, not just a cliché; it is the Word of God.

 

We have a process, we have pain, we have sickness, but over all we have the Lord. I think it's also important to remind people that God strengthens us through it all. Sure the majority of us have to learn that truth, but there are people today who respond like Job did.

 

God gave and He takes away.

 

There is victory in Jesus. When we have a sickness and we are feeling like dying is not easy to see that victory or to be jubilant, but it is possible.

 

The one in us is greater than the one in the world. Sometimes I feel like we are experts at pain, but who is the expert in victory, certainly not me, but I have tasted freedom in Christ, in all kinds of adverse circumstances and I know it is there for all to experience through their own trials.

 

Yes - we want to relate to the hurting etc.... but who relates to the joyful in Christ? Who has believed the Word which has been spoken to us by the Holy Spirit in our hearts? I do I believe it, though I do not walk a perfect walk, I believe it and rejoice in it. It strengthens me.

 

You all make valid points, points we do well to incorporate into our nugget and heart, but  it was my turn to vent. hahahaha

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Permalink Reply by ribbon on April 12, 2013 at 5:02pm

HOT TOPIC LT..... time to step in isn't it?

David this is the first time I have noticed you coming across as COLD. If a Christian were to come to me while I was  grieving and say " if they die they die"... I would think what a uncompassionate moron .  When people are grieving they need to GRIEVE how ever they need to.  Man talk about taking the smile off my face today. I understand what everyone here is saying too but man.

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Permalink Reply by ribbon on April 12, 2013 at 5:07pm

I was trying to make a joke about hot topic.....

Tammy I am sorry I have made your serious forum and make it as a joke. I do understand what its like to grieve and want to kick someone out . When I just witnessed my mother passing a Christian looked at me and said weeeelllllll isn't God beautiful? I was like .. WHAT???????? Of Corse He is beautiful but WHAT?????? I understand.  

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on April 13, 2013 at 6:45am

I didn't see where u made it a joke. If u notice, I, too, cracked a joke or two myself. That's what helps me deal with the difficulties of life. 

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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on April 12, 2013 at 5:21pm

 

Janie - I don't mean you should tell that to anyone, but at least for me that is a reality. Death holds no scary issues in any way for me. The only thing that is very hard for me in the dying equation is when someone dies that was not saved.

 

Death lost its sting when i became born again. I do realize that we grieve etc... But is not like we are a people without hope. I continue to harp on this because if you read most forum discussions how many of them talk about the beauty of being in Christ, they tend to have a theme of pain.

 

Well I want to remind everyone that with Christ all things are possible, even the rejoicing of the passing away of a love one. Of course we do not go tell the person who just lost their kid, mom etc... Oh well, they died they died, but for me that is a reality. You can actually tell me they are in a better place and I would be like Hallelujah praise Jesus and I know I am not the only one. Is not because i am so above everyone else etc... hahaha that thought itself its funny, me being so above everyone else, but we are so far from being who we can be in Christ that we even get offended by the strength of those living in victory in those areas, that to me is also wrong. Let us desire to reach such maturity in Christ where we rejoice as He rejoices at the death of his Saints.

 

Janie, do you think you can get to the place where someone says that to you... isn't God beautiful? And you won't say, WHAT????? but rather amen sister or brother, God is beautiful. That is actually possible, do you know that? Or do we spend so much time talking about pain that pain is all we feel and see?

 

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on April 12, 2013 at 5:29pm

David, While you may think that people spend too much time talking about their pain, it can come across that their pain makes you feel uncomfortable and you want to avoid talking about it. Neither is good. We do need a healthy balance but we are maturing, David. None of us are perfect. Right? Perhaps you need to be able to identify better with those who have heavy hearts while others of us need to learn how to laugh again. What do you think?

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