All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
Trying to Endure A Long Trial God's Way...
My husband and I are both believers, and we prayed asking God before we were married to bless our marriage. Now, ten years later we are suffering greatly! I have two boys; my oldest is not my husband's child, and my oldest is high-functioning autistic that has spacial issues, etc. For the past five years, conflict has been building between my husband and him so much that they can't be in the same room for two minutes before they're arguing back-and-forth with each other. What starts the arguments between them is my husband's grouchy tone of voice and demands before it just goes south from there. They're like two kids arguing over who's going to go first at something. Except, my husband acts like the bully, because he has the advantage of being an adult and my son does not, and they both know it. I've tried to explain, so many times, to my husband that it's a cause-and-effect thing with special needs children, but he continues to behave in this manner and even expresses in his actions that he doesn't really like my son. He claims to love him, but says it's hard dealing with him when he back talks him. But I've been desperately trying to explain to him if he would only talk in a more loving tone of voice, my son wouldn't react to him in that manner. My husband just shrugs his shoulders and continues to throw out demands in a very grouchy tone of voice that leads to one argument after the other. The last comment my husband made about my oldest son that I still can't get out of my mind was at a therapy session in Key Largo, Florida. The therapist asked all the family members present how they felt about my son, and my husband immediately responded back, "He eats and gets bigger." This broke my heart, and he just thought he was being funny (so he said). The problem is he's been doing this for years to the family, and my oldest son is now 12 soon to be 13 on March 29th. Also, my son keeps asking me why I married him and continue to stay with him when he treats him this way, and then I look at my youngest son and I can't really explain to him how it would be ripping his brother's life apart if I left my husband. However I'm torn, because I feel like I'm ripping my oldest son's life apart by staying with my husband. Also, my husband has already expressed he would keep my youngest son from me if I left, because he doesn't feel its safe for him around my oldest son. My oldest son doesn't have any history of violence in school, but he does have spacial issues where he doesn't watch out for others around him while he's playing, and he doesn't seem to know when to stop rough housing before his brother gets hurt. Because of many incidents of my youngest son getting hurt, he doesn't feel it's safe for them to be left alone together, and this scares him and has caused him to resent my oldest son more than I think he cares to admit to me. I've been praying to God for years, as well. I'm so exhausted, my hair is falling out, I'm fighting depression and tears all the time, and my husband keeps telling me that we have to keep trying because marriage is sacred in the eyes of God. So, my mother came to live with us for about six months, and she was my extra pair of eyes and became a presence that helped maintain peace by merely keeping my oldest son occupied and away from my husband. But now, she has to return to sale her house in SC, and I'm left alone again to try and figure out what God wants me to do with this nightmare that seems to be getting worse. I realize that God's solution is ultimately the best, but while I'm waiting for his answer, I'm falling apart here...
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on
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Ephesians 5:22-33 compares the union of husband and wife to that of Christ and the church. Marriage is a very important covenant in God's eyes. It is sad that there are so many divorces among believers. God has given only one reason for divorce. It's found in Matthew 19:8-9,
He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
There is forgiveness for all sins but we must not try to justify sin but must instead accept responsibility for it and confess it and seek forgiveness from God and from the people we have hurt. If you're wanting people to tell you to walk away from your marriage, I can't be one of those people. God hates divorce. One mistake people make is leaving a marriage out of hurt and anger and frustration and because there are problems that they get weary of trying to deal with emotionally. We need to be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about us and what feels good for us in the moment. I heard someone say, If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good. (It was probably a psychologist.)
If you divorce and then re-marry, do you think you would carry the same problems with you into a new relationship and possibly even more problems because then you will be with someone who is the new step parent of both of your sons and your then ex-husband will still be involved in your life as he will likely have shared custody with you of his own son?
In the case of abuse, you cannot live with a monster and separation is sometimes necessary. You have stated that your husband isn't physically abusive but becomes verbally abusive sometimes. God could heal the marriage. You have stated you both are believers.
Sometimes people have no other choice but to leave the marriage because their lives are in danger. You can't live with a monster, but you have not indicated that your husband makes you fear for your life and for the lives of your sons, and that he, in fact, even makes special efforts sometimes to show his love for each of you.
You seem to have ruled out several options that could help you solve your problems. None of us here in this forum are able to solve your problems for you. We are willing to offer love and support and to pray for you as you find your own solutions. I assure you that God isn't causing your marriage to fall apart. My youngest sister has a three year old who has been diagnosed with autism. Without the various therapies and help of several professionals and without God, she wouldn't be able to cope. May you indeed get through your trial God's way.
Our Father in heaven, please take our burdens and help us rest in the knowledge that You are taking care of us. I lift up Wholehearted to You and everything that she is going through. Many things trouble us and our hearts get terribly burdened for others because of problems and fears, wondering what will happen. I turn this over to You now knowing You love me and You love Wholehearted and You are able to help her. Thank You for all that You do for us. We have so many blessings. I love You. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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The things I've discerned and have shared here were through the Holy Spirit and I need not apologize for those things. I will continue helping you by prayers.
As for whether or not others have been encouraged by my other comments on the site, my profile page shows that many have been encouraged and comforted. Sometimes when we communicate spiritual truth, we must use a different form of communication instead of encouragement or comfort and it is called admonition.
Admonition is given in love (perhaps tough love) and is meant to help someone on a wayward path. I have received much admonition from loving people on this site and have often reacted similarly. But now I'm so glad that people cared enough to tell me what I really needed to hear.
My words of comfort to you are that I'm deeply sorry for what you are experiencing. Things sound really hard for you right now. Your son's condition appears to be a thorn that God is allowing in your life. But your son isn't a thorn. Since God has brought you to it I know God is telling you He will bring you through it. His way.
And my words of encouragement to you is that I pray things will get easier for you soon and although it is impossible to see what is ahead, and you have a lot to deal with, He began a good work in you and He will finish it. Philippians 1:6.
It doesn't matter to me if my comments please people. What matters to me is pleasing God, and I shared what God led me to share here and will continue to do so on the site for as long as God wants to use me.
Galatians 1:10
New International Version (NIV)
10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -
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There's a subtle difference between judging and discerning and I have used discernment here. But I won't try to explain the difference, as I can see that you are in great pain. I knew my comments wouldn't be received well and God prepared me ahead of time for that. If any of my comments are out of line, AAG leadership is welcome to delete them. It is an open forum. But I will end my responses to you. I have lifted you up to the throne of grace in prayer. The wayward path I mentioned involves a couple of things, closing yourself off from church and from professional help, entertaining thoughts of ending your marriage even if you know you would never follow through and yet feel tempted (you can tell the enemy that divorce is not an option) and blaming God. There are consequences for every choice we make and when we make wrong choices, the consequences can be very painful. Peace and blessings to you. I do speak from personal experience regarding a few of these things, not all, but a few.
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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Wholehearted and Amanda,
I praise God for both of you. It is not easy to edify one another with the limited resources we have through this web-site, but here we are trying to do as the Lord has commanded us to do. In venturing into such an arena there will be misunderstanding because our words may not carry the correct tone or they may be taken with a different intent than the authors meaning, etc...
God bless you both for venturing into the difficult and seldom practiced practice (excuse the redundancy) of edifying one another. Most of us know that our human relationships have the potential to get messy, but we learn, we do as the Lord leads, we fail, we get up and above all, we keep loving.
Thank you both for getting involve in the difficult work of edifying one another. Investing in one another is the most beaustiful investment but also the most difficult one.
May God give us the wisdom, love and long suffering to not quite on each other.
love and blessings to you both.
David V.
Volunteer NET Administrator
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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It is funny how each one of us see it from a different view. I'm looking at what you've shared through the eyes of a mother who is seeing her child being torn down by an adult. I seen the future this young man was going to have on top of being emotionally scarred. The younger son will be damaged as well through all of this. I didn't necessarily see you saying you was ready to pack up & catch the next Greyhound as much as you are just down & out TIRED. I seen you venting about a small tittle of what goes on in your life to seek encouragement & prayers from your family in Christ.
Weighing in on the church situation, I feel you absolutely need to find a church whether he goes or not. That's what a church is for & if you're not meeting together with the body, it's hard to get it elsewhere. I feel you need to seek the Lord on which church to attend. The online pastor is OK I suppose but you have no accountability there. Your children need to be in church as well especially now while the frustration is at an all-time high to the point I'm sure you probably don't feel like sitting down & teaching them the things of Christ like they would find in the Lord's house. I totally see you've been trying & have come this far by faith. Keep pushing forward & move towards the goal that is set before you. He's gotten you this far & I know He will continue to do so. Hang in there. Everyone means well & it takes the whole body to make up the one unit. Amanda sees things thru her eyes, Carla hers, me mine. God needs all of our eyes placed together to complete the body. Please know we're here for you as much as anyone can be that is on the internet. Luv u
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Tammy,
There is also another factor that I seen practiced here among the ones that have been here for a long time. We do view things a certain way but we also do not have the time to write about everything we would like to address. So we choose to write about one thing knowing that we are a body and the other members hopefully will pitch in and together we may deal with all the various angles to a situation.
We do according to the leading of the Holy Spirit and we depend on the rest of the body to share that leading.
13000 members and only a few involve in this discussions. It is a blessing to have each of you here letting God use you.
Amanda has done as she feels God has led her to do and we cannot ask for more than that.
Love you all.
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David, not sure if I'm being reprimanded. I said exactly that in my words. He uses each of us for different areas. Amanda seen the husband situation. I seen the child situation. You & Carla seen the encouraging situation, etc. Nothing Amanda said did I refute at all. Without each of us, the body is not a unit.
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Tammy,
Just to make it clear, my comment had no intentions to reprimand you; I was only seeking to affirm what you had stated and to give an additional thought to my previous post. :)
I appreciate you sis.
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And that is an excellent example of how things can be taken wrong & misunderstood over the internet. :) I appreciate you as well
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Wholehearted, I have no problem addressing your question. I simply honored the leading of the Holy Spirit to repond to this forum. How you got that I was calling you an adulterer or any name is beyond me, as I simply asked you this:
If you divorce and then re-marry, do you think you would carry the same problems with you into a new relationship and possibly even more problems because then you will be with someone who is the new step parent of both of your sons and your then ex-husband will still be involved in your life as he will likely have shared custody with you of his own son?
I suppose it is possible that if you leave your marriage for any other reason than what God permits for divorce, it is possible that you will remain divorced for the rest of your life without remarrying. I was simply giving you a word of warning that when we make wrong choices, involving any kind of sin, the consequences are often very painful not only for us but for our children and for other people who must watch us go through the struggles. I didn't speak harshly even though you may have taken it harshly. I spoke in love without malice and simply can't advise or encourage you to continue on a wayward path. My prayers are for you, not against you. Nevertheless, if you leave your husband for an unbiblical reason and then do happen to re-marry, then you will indeed be committing adultery. Leaving him now would be sin in God's sight as well.That is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts people but they still need to hear it. Here is a good article that might help you understand better about God's design for the family.
How does the Bible define a good Christian family?
I simply can't encourage a divorce for any other reason than what God permits, and you have mentioned numerous times that you are thinking about walking away from your marriage more and more as the conflict in your family rises. My heart goes out to you and to your husband both, whom I know is hurting just as much as you are hurting. God can heal your marriage. This marriage of yours can be saved if you will submit to God's will and really do this God's way, seeking Him with all your heart and working together with your husband to save your marriage and help your family heal and grow closer to one another as well as closer to God. Your son will soon be a teenager. I pray for his soul -- that he will one day receive Jesus as Savior, if he hasn't yet, and I pray for your other son as well for the same thing to happen if it hasn't already. Let me ask you this: does your husband know about this discussion?
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Permalink Reply by Richard L. Broch, Sr. on
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Dear Wholehearted,
Being in the middle of two loved ones, who are constantly at odds with each other, is the worst possible thing a household can contain. And you are trying to hold everything together with your utmost being......as you feel the situation getting worse.
Evidently when your mother was there with you, she served as a buffer between your son and husband. Obviously this was nice........but it was only a temporary fix......and not the solution.
Maybe we can put some wings on our prayers. David's counsel is right-on.
Sometimes God expects us to put a prayer in motion as we ask for help......like walking up to an automatic door......
and stopping before stepping on the switch to actuate the opener. We could stand there till the cows come home, and that door would not open.
Stay with me........
Exodus 14: 10-16 (NLT), " As Pharaoh and his army approached, the people of Israel could see them in the distance, marching toward them. The people began to panic, and cried out to the Lord for help (as we do in prayer). (11) Then they turned against Moses and complained, "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? Why did you make us leave? (12) Didn't we tell you to leave us alone while we were still in Egypt? Our Egyptian slavery was far better than dying out here in the wilderness!" (concentrating on the problem - rather than God's solution).
(13) But Moses told the people, " Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again.(14) The Lord Himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense."
(15) Then the Lord said to Moses," Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving! (16) Use your shepherd's staff - hold it out over the water, and a path will open up before you through the sea. Then all the people of Israel will walk through on dry ground."
So God told Moses how to actuate the people's prayers (and in the process, shut them up), and things would happen - only then.
Wholehearted.........here's a suggestion - You and your husband enter a season of prayer together, alone. Ask the Lord to set some answers to your situation before you, together. Then, together write down some Divine thoughts.......like using a mellow voice......sharing things....working on projects as a family, etc.
Main thing is to get your husband involved.......and keep him involved in the whole process. Convey the theme that adults must show, tell , and lead the younger ones........like setting an example.
I'm praying for your family...........
Grace and Peace.
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Permalink Reply by Fran on
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I read your story and empathize with your predicament. Being caught in the middle of two people you love is the most unenviable of positions. My oldest son is now 27. My husband is not the father of my two oldest sons, only of the younger one. We've been married for 16 years so my oldest son was around 11 when we married. These past 16 years have been filled with trials involving the oldest son. He is not autistic but severely ADHD (I think there's a connection). As each year passes I'd think, okay, maybe he'll "grow out of this" but he hasn't. In many ways we end up at square one, as we have this week after yet another incident.
My husband is a good man. I mean a really good man. He has been supportive of me and my older son though I know many times have tested his sanity. After all these years I still see my son as someone who has a handicap that's invisible to the naked eye but is still there. He does just about everything without thinking and although he doesn't mean to hurt others the consequence of his choices are still there to be dealt with. Usually by us and by him. Transversely, he has a tender heart. He nursed his sick wife after a major wreck and did so while working and caring for their 7 year old son? What I would call tireless affection.
I am a Christian of many years and hopefully can give you some encouragement. Not just throw verses your way but come along side of you to help.
Don't give up on your son and don't give up on your marriage. Plead with God in prayer to help your son and work in your husband's heart. He does hear. Find reprieve as you pray His own promises in scripture. As in my situation, your husband sees his role as protector of you and your other son. Think of it like this....if anyone else injured you or your other son, you would expect him to defend you, that's a natural tendency on his part and would normally be commendable. He's trying to deal with how to defend you and your son against potential danger inside the home (though I'm sure your oldest son doesn't mean harm). It's just not an easy thing. You are a loving mother and want to naturally defend your son against all offenses. The trick is going to be in knowing what needs defending and what needs correction.
Paul reminds us in Philippians that trials are for our good. They indeed sanctify us and produce patience. These trials may not only assist you in spiritual growth but one day you may tell another how God was faithful. Remember faith is valuable because its based on what you don't see with your eyes but know in your heart because His Word is true. He cannot lie.
You are not alone.
Finally, remember love is the greatest of all fruits.
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