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Trying to Endure A Long Trial God's Way...
My husband and I are both believers, and we prayed asking God before we were married to bless our marriage. Now, ten years later we are suffering greatly! I have two boys; my oldest is not my husband's child, and my oldest is high-functioning autistic that has spacial issues, etc. For the past five years, conflict has been building between my husband and him so much that they can't be in the same room for two minutes before they're arguing back-and-forth with each other. What starts the arguments between them is my husband's grouchy tone of voice and demands before it just goes south from there. They're like two kids arguing over who's going to go first at something. Except, my husband acts like the bully, because he has the advantage of being an adult and my son does not, and they both know it. I've tried to explain, so many times, to my husband that it's a cause-and-effect thing with special needs children, but he continues to behave in this manner and even expresses in his actions that he doesn't really like my son. He claims to love him, but says it's hard dealing with him when he back talks him. But I've been desperately trying to explain to him if he would only talk in a more loving tone of voice, my son wouldn't react to him in that manner. My husband just shrugs his shoulders and continues to throw out demands in a very grouchy tone of voice that leads to one argument after the other. The last comment my husband made about my oldest son that I still can't get out of my mind was at a therapy session in Key Largo, Florida. The therapist asked all the family members present how they felt about my son, and my husband immediately responded back, "He eats and gets bigger." This broke my heart, and he just thought he was being funny (so he said). The problem is he's been doing this for years to the family, and my oldest son is now 12 soon to be 13 on March 29th. Also, my son keeps asking me why I married him and continue to stay with him when he treats him this way, and then I look at my youngest son and I can't really explain to him how it would be ripping his brother's life apart if I left my husband. However I'm torn, because I feel like I'm ripping my oldest son's life apart by staying with my husband. Also, my husband has already expressed he would keep my youngest son from me if I left, because he doesn't feel its safe for him around my oldest son. My oldest son doesn't have any history of violence in school, but he does have spacial issues where he doesn't watch out for others around him while he's playing, and he doesn't seem to know when to stop rough housing before his brother gets hurt. Because of many incidents of my youngest son getting hurt, he doesn't feel it's safe for them to be left alone together, and this scares him and has caused him to resent my oldest son more than I think he cares to admit to me. I've been praying to God for years, as well. I'm so exhausted, my hair is falling out, I'm fighting depression and tears all the time, and my husband keeps telling me that we have to keep trying because marriage is sacred in the eyes of God. So, my mother came to live with us for about six months, and she was my extra pair of eyes and became a presence that helped maintain peace by merely keeping my oldest son occupied and away from my husband. But now, she has to return to sale her house in SC, and I'm left alone again to try and figure out what God wants me to do with this nightmare that seems to be getting worse. I realize that God's solution is ultimately the best, but while I'm waiting for his answer, I'm falling apart here...
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Seek on
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I would ask you to take another look and not discount medicine or psychologists. My son too had some adverse reactions to some of the first medications they tried. Not all people do have adverse reactions. But when one does, sometimes it makes us run completely the other direction away from medication and that's not good either. My son is not on three medications working in combination, having none of the adverse affects the others had. So we thought to take him off of one low dose medication just a couple of weeks ago. Every day the teacher wrote "Good Day" in his planner. Everyday, the daycare was saying he was good today and letting him pick his reward from the treasure chest for good behavior. I took him off his 2 mg Abilify Thursday. Monday, the teacher wrote "Didn't do so well", the daycare said he was horrid. Tues. the teacher wrote "Not good. Talking all day", the daycare had him in timeout when I showed up. After a week of this, he was back on the ability and once again they are saying "Good day".
He's not a zombie, he in fact bounces off the walls. But he's more focused and not hurting others. And his combinations may not work for your son, but of all the medications out there with a bad rap, there are a couple that worked well for my son...Focalin and Stratera. They are worlds different from Adderol and Ritalin and others of that line. I think it is time you give the doctors another try and realize that doing "nothing" will never make a difference. It is only when we do "something". That is the fear of making the wrong choice keeping you from trying.
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on
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This is excellent encouragement, Seek Ye First. Fear can be disabling, paralyzing. I really like this message by Charles Stanley: Direction Without Doubt
In it he says, "Sometimes, the fear of making wrong choices or feelings of inadequacy prevent many people from taking advantage of wonderful opportunities."
He ends with this:
When you’re faced with a decision and don’t know
what to do, remember that God’s Word is His
primary method of speaking to His people. The
Scriptures address many issues, but if the one
you’re looking for isn’t clearly discussed in the
Bible, you can still receive guidance by seeking
the Lord in prayer and asking the Holy Spirit
to help you apply scriptural principles to your
particular circumstance.
When you patiently wait to hear His voice and
heed His instructions, you can make a confident
decision knowing God has given you clear
direction. Though others may not understand
your choice or argue against it, you can face
them with Christ’s perfect peace in your heart. -
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Wholehearted, you sound like you are a very sensitive person. I am. It's the comments like this one that you are making that really cause me to feel concerned for you and your family:
"However, I didn't think this was possible, but I'm actually starting to think that being a single parent was never as stressful as dealing with these incidents between my husband and son! I think I'm in trouble when I start thinking like that ..."
Yes, thoughts like that are the kind of thoughts that we must fight.
They can be an arsenal for the enemy. The mind is sometimes an unbearable battlefield.
Getting back to the sensitive part -- you might be a very sensitive person.
I am a sensitive person and until I learned that I can turn this into a strength once I know that other people do not realize they are dealing with an emotionally sensitive person and do not mean to cause me pain because they do not realize they are causing me pain ... that it isn't their fault ... then I would take things very personally and feel very hurt by comments that wouldn't hurt others who are not as sensitive as I am.There are many good things about being an overly sensitive person.
I feel people's suffering and that makes me a nice and friendly person (I know you don't think I'm friendly and there are times when I'm not friendly but for the most part in my lifetime I have been nice and friendly and mostly seeking to please people and gain their approval but God is changing that last part, slowly but surely teaching me that I must seek to please God and not people) but I am nice and friendly, with empathy and compassion for people -- this is God's will -- to love others and weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice.
Empathy comes before compassion and opens the way for love. We are
supposed to have empathy for others.Being over sensitive means I can be closer to God. I can sense Him and be more connected to Him and more committed.
But when we have unhealed wounds, those unhealed wounds are very sensitve and that can make sensitive people overly sensitive to things that others don’t normally notice.
I also suffer from depression.
Depression has been very difficult -- it numbed me and caused me not to feel God's presence anymore or feel that connection to God that I always sensed so deeply. I'm still struggling emotionally. I can indentify with you, as I've mentioned before, in some ways. I don't know exactly how you feel because I'm not you and our experiences are very, very different but I do care.
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Rhonda, I can see that there is much emotional pain in your life. It’s hard for you to make sense of all of it, and I know firsthand that it can be frustrating and confusing to look for help with your emotional life. You really need someone who can help you look beyond your emotions and help you understand your pain. Only by doing that can you begin to make sense of what's happening in your life and marriage and family. That’s why I encourage you not to close yourself off completely from professional help.
Last year I was able to connect with a wonderful Christian psychologist who had majored in a degree in marriage and family therapy from a theological seminary. She was in a private practice and she helped me understand sensitivity much better.
One of the drawbacks to being over sensitive is it will wear you out. Also, you get hurt easily and often take things personally. Because you are sensitive, it tells me that perhaps your husband isn’t quite as verbally abusive as it feels to you. This is not to say that what you feel isn’t real. Your perception is your reality right now.
I know that for me, my sensitivity leads to me becoming easily overwhelmed by life. I very often get hurt and feel offended more often than other people who aren’t as sensitive. I have to make a conscious effort to listen to what has been said to me or done to me and stand back from it and evaluate it carefully and when I do, I very often am able to see that it actually has a different meaning than how I at first was taking it.
Sensitivity is a gift and is part of who I am and I’ve always been very sensitive from childhood on up so the pain in my life has been magnified many times because of me taking things so hard. That’s why it’s important to learn how to understand sensitivity better and to learn how to use it as strength. Life doesn’t have to hurt this much.
I had to learn about God's will for the family. I’ve been learning for many years. The family I had in childhood was very dysfunctional. I had to learn what respect is and I'm still learning. But I was also taught that if the wife fails to fulfill her duties, this does not justify the husband in failing to fulfill his duties and vice versa -- that it's wrong to withhold respect/love even though someone isn't earning it or worthy of it. This is one way where a wife corrects her husband in silence. God asks us to still be obedient to His will even when it doesn’t make sense to us.
In any relationship I believe the Lord wants us to aim towards forgiveness and reconciliation. You have said it’s been five years of suffering for you but I’m going to tell you that the really tough stuff starts now. I say this because God meets us at the stage of spiritual development we are in and never gives us more than we can handle in the sanctification process and five years is a long time of what you’ve been experiencing but likely was only preparation for the here and now. God is a wise parent.
Last, and I say this with love, but I had a flashback from my childhood when I read this comment of yours to me and it’s part of the reason why I haven’t replied until now. It was a painful flashback of the times when my mother used to threaten that she was going to leave if we didn’t change. Sometimes she did leave for several days. I remembered the pain I felt over that and how I blamed myself for it. I grew up with the fear of being abandoned and felt like a tremendous burden upon my mother and felt like I could never please her. I hope your children never have to feel this kind of pain. I’m sorry if my words have hurt you. One of my favorite people has the saying that we can't change what we won't acknowledge. -
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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Beloved -
The answer to anything and everything we can face on earth is Jesus. Run to him, dive into the word, eat it up and it will give you the wisdom, faith to believe and hope for tomorrow you need. Love your husband, do your part as a wife, be an excellent wife to him, beat him up with love. That is how God beats us, our will, He keeps loving us. Do the same. Ask your husband if he would like to pray with you and do it more and more.
The persons that have been in your situation and depended on God's wisdom to deal with the situation overcame by the blood of the lamb, his death and resurrection makes us heirs of God. We have a wealth of wisdom in his word to gain. Concentrate on doing your part. Correct your husband in silence. Love him, ask God to give you the love and He will. God's grace is sufficient for you. This is about you changing into the woman God calls you to be.
Do not grow weary of doing what is right...
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Sis,
Correcting him in silence doesn't mean you don't speak, but it is meant to convey an attitude of the heart and actions, yet you still raise the issues up when the Holy Spirit leads you to and How He leads you, as well as doing it for the right reasons.
That is why this is about you growing a strong relationship with the Lord, more than anything else, so you then can bless others with the comfort, wisdom and leading of the Holy Spirit.
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Sis,
Know that as a born again believer that you are, you are my sister in Christ and that bond in Christ leads me to edify you and not to hurt you in any way, hence my heart's desire is to bless you. I write this so you know that my questions do not seek to embarrass you or criticize you, ok. :)
How is your study time with the Lord? Your fellowship with the Saints time and your prayer life? Your individual and corporate worship? Not that those things make us right before God, but when you do those things in Spirit and in truth they pay off great dividends.
You ask why God is allowing it; ask him instead, what you need to change. What is it that you have to let go off and what needs to take the place of that thing. What stronghold has a hold of you is it fears, insecurities...?
God hates divorce and loves to prosper his people in all ways possible, but we have to pick up our cross and kill ourselves (the flesh). We must die to self and this life, that beloved is not easy, that can only be accomplish by the renewing of your mind, by the washing of the Word.
We need Christ to grow and the trials reveal our hearts to ourselves. God already knows you better than you know yourself. Trials reveal our Spiritual maturity not to drive us to the Looney house, but to drive us to the feet of Jesus, to the cross, where Grace abounds. Where life is abundant and maturity in Christ is achievable.
In Christ all things are possible, All things. I had things happened in my own life that should have permanently damage me, but in Christ there is healing and victory in Jesus. Your son cannot be destroyed by any man if you speak life in his life. You have God in you, run to him, study the word and let it change you. Let it move you from why? To what? What do you want me to kill Lord and what do you want to replace it with, that beloved shoudl be your question now. Is ok to ask, Why? God is fine with the question and the answer tends to be that we need to die to self sufficiencies, lack of relationship with him etc...
He wants to kill your flesh. Satan, that serpent of old wants to kill your abundant life, he can't kill you, you belong to God, but he can kill our ministries, joy and our peace in Christ. Christ has already overcame for you sis, Grad a hold of his freedom and let him be your stronghold.
Psalm27
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came [1] upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. 4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty [2] of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple. 5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; [3] I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. 8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. 9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. 11 Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain [4] path, because of mine enemies. 12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. 13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
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:) Amen sis. Amen!! I am blessed to read your post. Love and blessings to you. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Life is hard, dying to self and to this life is impossible without the Spirit but there is always room for us to continue in the process of comforming to the image of God, hence press on beloved, press on...
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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Girlfriend, we did overcome by the blood but just hearing "you need Jesus" is a bit shallow. As I shared, I got thru it & yes I got it thru because of His blood but I also had to shed a little blood myself. I totally understand when you look in that baby's eyes & the pain a mother feels. I can feel it deep in my soul right now as I'm typing this. I told you the only thing that brought me thru but don't think I went thru all quiet, patient, on my knees constantly. There was hair pulling, blood gushing, fingernail biting pain. And His blood did help me go thru all of that. We still have our moments but nothing like it once was. Luv u girl
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Permalink Reply by Carla on
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wholehearted,
I completely agree with David's response... The answer is Jesus. God has brought me through so many trials with my kids and my husband. So many... perhaps we'll get to know each other and I can tell you about them and what God has done. I encourage you to be reassured that God hears your prayers, sees your struggles, and He is already working.. I know it sounds like a cliche to say 'wait on the Lord, His timing is perfect'... But the cliche comes from somewhere. When I say it I am speaking from personal experience...I can't imagine where my life would even be without God's guidance, direction, counselling, encouragement, help at the right time etc...
I read recently about patience and what it is.. Patience is not merely waiting 'well' for something while waiting for it to happen.. Patience is the development of your character while you are waiting... It's ultimately 'how we are' while we are waiting. Have you ever prayed for patience? If so, God will finish in you what He has started. In the meantime you can be reassured that Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you.
As we keep our eyes on the trial..it will get bigger. As we keep our eyes on Jesus, He is bigger.
By the way... as a final thought.. I LOVE your name 'WHOLEHEARTED'.... I agree that is what you are.
Blessings, Carla
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There is a theme that I see running through all of the replies you have made and even in your initial posting of this discussion, Wholehearted, and that theme involves respecting your husband. I agree with Carla and David and have some things to add. My goal is to edify you as David said was his goal. I speak in love and I have a son but also am a step parent as well. My step daughter was only four when I met her dad and she is now 22 and married and has a beautiful five month old daughter of her own. The situations are very much different but I do have something that God has placed on my heart this morning to share with you. I don't want to see you and your family continuing on a destructive path. I'm in prayer for you. I care enough to tell you what I think you really need to hear.
I'm going to share Scripture with you and you might not like what I feel led to say but the fact is your husband has just cause for thinking your oldest son's behavioral problems put the people around him at great risk.
What will you do as he grows into a much stronger and more aggressive man? Now is the time to deal with it seriously and put away both denial of it and justifying it.
I believe your husband is trying his best to lead your family but that you aren't really submitting to him as the leader. Why do I say this? Because 1 Corinthians 11:2-3 strongly disagrees with many of the things you are saying about your husband -- you've said many things here that seem to undermine your trust in the competence of your husband's leadership.
It was explained to me like this and really helped me:
If a person truly understands what submitting means in the way that a woman submits to her husband, they would understand that this is a truly loving, 2 way mutual relationship. It is a proven fact that the thing women want most is love, and a proven fact that the thing men want most is respect. This is why Christ gave men the commandments to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, and for women to submit to their husbands. This produces a perpetual cycle of love and respect that grows a healthy relationship in a marriage. This is also standard beliefs and practices in the world of psychology that is accepted outside of Christianity as well. To better understand submission, read here- http://www.gotquestions.org/wives-submit.html
It's going to take all of you together as a family supporting one another, truly wholeheartedly, with God as first in your lives and your husband as the leader of the family.
I just really don't know any other way of saying it. What if you had been in the pathway of an oncoming car when you wrecked the bicycle? What would become of your two sons without you?
What your children need the most is love. They need to know from you and your husband both that you love them as persons. This doesn't mean you like everything they do. Many children don't realize how they behave.
Your husband does need to work on how he handles his anger when his stepson misbehaves. That is important to his entire family as the leader of you all. He is not supposed to provoke his children. I think once he feels respected, a lot of his anger will turn into love. Just my opinion but also a biblical approach. I hope you get your family into Christian counseling with a trusted pastor as well as other proper professionals.
Just remember that when a child behaves in ways that get a lot of attention, even if the behavior is very negative and causes the child to receive punishment, then the child is getting attention and that reinforces the misbehavior. It sounds like right now the child is leading you and the family is trapped in a vicious cycle around the child. The child needs to face consequences for misbehaving -- consequences that he won't like and those consequences MUST be enforced. Justifying his misbehavior, making excuses for him, babying him, letting him off the hook, etc ... Isn't the answer. Jesus is the answer but it's not going to be easy.
First, respect your husband. It's what God says. Pieces will begin falling into place. I speak from personal experience, too. Life is never easy and is often an uphill battle. The key is keeping your cool when it comes to disciplining children. We can choose not to get upset. We can make fair consequences. We must never attack the child's character. But neither can you allow a child to get away with behaviors that are inappropriate and even dangerous. Your son's disruptive behaviors are going to have to be brought under control and your husband is very much needed right now in order to help this happen. All of this can make your family stronger and more loving and closer if you seek to do things God's way instead of each of you demanding your own ways.
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I didn't imply that there is a simple answer and I'm sorry you misunderstood that part. I said it isn't going to be easy. I mentioned a starting point could be by honoring God's commands as husband and wife to love and respect each other. The marriage covenant is sacred as you've admitted your husband saying. Your husband seems to have no intentions of walking away from his marriage. Yet, in one response you wrote this:
" I don't really go to church, because I'm having a hard time finding a pastor that provides an in-depth study of the Bible. I'm really frustrated with how many of the churches are conducting shallow studies of the Bible, so we do Bible study at home and listen to a pastor online that has a wealth of knowledge to share; I'm loving it :) I know there are a lot of in-depth Bible studies being held by many churches separate from the main service, but my husband works second shift, he's extremely shy, has self-esteem issues, he's very critical of just about every situation we encounter, and it takes a lot of energy from me right now to get him to do anything outside of his comfort zone. Frankly, I'm just plain exhausted and tired of dealing with the whole situation. I'm discovering he's one of those individuals everybody calls a "difficult person". If things are not done perfectly from his perspective, then you'll get no support from him, period, deal with it and his whole string of negative words that come with it. I'm a stubborn person, as well, but I do know when it's time to let go and let people learn from their own mistakes. I'm thinking this may be what God is leading me to do in this situation, because I'm running out of options here."
It implies you might walk away from the marriage.
In another response you said seeking the help of psychologists isn't an option -- you wrote:
"When they decided to medicate my son, he developed seizures. He had to be taken off all meds except for his seizure med. He hasn't been on any other med for behavior since. A couple of months ago, his neurologist took him off his seizure med. He's now seizure free, and I don't think I'll ever consider medicating him for his behavior again. Every time we see a psychologist, they want to medicate him with a non-stimulate med, and I look at them like they're crazy"
Psychologists can help in other ways when medication isn't an option. They can help with parenting skills and they can help the child learn social skills as well as help in other ways.
Your husband would benefit from fellowship with other men in a church setting and having an accountability partner as well as perhaps a mentor and the wise counsel of a pastor. I encourage you to encourage your husband in this area. I also encourage you to get the "official" medical diagnosis for your son that you've mentioned hasn't yet been determined. That would be crucial IMO.
You do have options. Your choices do matter. There is much at stake here. I am very concerned for you and your family.
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