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Trying to Endure A Long Trial God's Way...
My husband and I are both believers, and we prayed asking God before we were married to bless our marriage. Now, ten years later we are suffering greatly! I have two boys; my oldest is not my husband's child, and my oldest is high-functioning autistic that has spacial issues, etc. For the past five years, conflict has been building between my husband and him so much that they can't be in the same room for two minutes before they're arguing back-and-forth with each other. What starts the arguments between them is my husband's grouchy tone of voice and demands before it just goes south from there. They're like two kids arguing over who's going to go first at something. Except, my husband acts like the bully, because he has the advantage of being an adult and my son does not, and they both know it. I've tried to explain, so many times, to my husband that it's a cause-and-effect thing with special needs children, but he continues to behave in this manner and even expresses in his actions that he doesn't really like my son. He claims to love him, but says it's hard dealing with him when he back talks him. But I've been desperately trying to explain to him if he would only talk in a more loving tone of voice, my son wouldn't react to him in that manner. My husband just shrugs his shoulders and continues to throw out demands in a very grouchy tone of voice that leads to one argument after the other. The last comment my husband made about my oldest son that I still can't get out of my mind was at a therapy session in Key Largo, Florida. The therapist asked all the family members present how they felt about my son, and my husband immediately responded back, "He eats and gets bigger." This broke my heart, and he just thought he was being funny (so he said). The problem is he's been doing this for years to the family, and my oldest son is now 12 soon to be 13 on March 29th. Also, my son keeps asking me why I married him and continue to stay with him when he treats him this way, and then I look at my youngest son and I can't really explain to him how it would be ripping his brother's life apart if I left my husband. However I'm torn, because I feel like I'm ripping my oldest son's life apart by staying with my husband. Also, my husband has already expressed he would keep my youngest son from me if I left, because he doesn't feel its safe for him around my oldest son. My oldest son doesn't have any history of violence in school, but he does have spacial issues where he doesn't watch out for others around him while he's playing, and he doesn't seem to know when to stop rough housing before his brother gets hurt. Because of many incidents of my youngest son getting hurt, he doesn't feel it's safe for them to be left alone together, and this scares him and has caused him to resent my oldest son more than I think he cares to admit to me. I've been praying to God for years, as well. I'm so exhausted, my hair is falling out, I'm fighting depression and tears all the time, and my husband keeps telling me that we have to keep trying because marriage is sacred in the eyes of God. So, my mother came to live with us for about six months, and she was my extra pair of eyes and became a presence that helped maintain peace by merely keeping my oldest son occupied and away from my husband. But now, she has to return to sale her house in SC, and I'm left alone again to try and figure out what God wants me to do with this nightmare that seems to be getting worse. I realize that God's solution is ultimately the best, but while I'm waiting for his answer, I'm falling apart here...
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Shanthi on
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You are truly going through a lot and I sympathise for you for the the lack of understanding from your husband. All I can say is never give up on God, he lets you go through suffering to strenghten you, he will lift you up soon. Have you tried speaking to your pastors, church leaders or Christian marriage counselors.
You know right the enemy enjoys seeing us suffer and being Christians, it tries to bring us apart in every way, it is using your husband and your son to destroy the peace in your marriage. Take your husband out and talk to him and tell him that as much as he is important to you, your sons needs you too and being Christians we have to endure it together and God has a purpose for giving you a special prize and the prize is your son. How many parents can handle this sort of children. not many and you are the chosen one. Tell your husband that he was the chosen one for your son too and God wants him to love your son the way he loved Jesus so much and sent him to die for our sins.....
Miracles will happen, just as you get stronger in your faith , the holy spirit will help you to handle all situation. Read the chapter of Job and the endureance he handled in all situation and God even let the enemy put him to suffer but God was confident of Job.
You are God's special child and be blessed for you are the chosen one...
Love you sis.
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Dear Sister,
Whenever I read the book of Job, I too am amazed on how one person can loose so much but never gives up on God....I am sure I would not be able to go through that ordeal. Than again, when we are chosen by God, he wants us to endure some struggle as that strengthens us spiritually and we can outgrow anything. Your job is to protect your boys especially your special son. However you do it, ensure that it is done with love and does not affect anyone. You love your son unconditionally and you love your husband too and you don't want them to be hurt so go slow on everything but keep yourself always armed wtih God's word and pray over everything.
Even looking for a church, pray over it....I found my church in a devine way....and I have been attached to it for 2 yrs now. I drove around looking for a church invited by my friend, but never found it, in the end, i parked the car at an entrance of a church and looked staring at the sign board, wondering is this the church, and out came a lady inviting both me an my husband in and till today, I wonder...wow God you are amazing, you brough me to this wonderful loving family and I doubt I can find another better Church. My pastor, speaks about my testimony to many and the way we stood infront of the church.
About your husband..don't worry about him...leave him up to God. My husband is a rather quiet person, and became worse since he fell ill. It was my struggle to communicate with him and he did not have friends, he was aloof and difficult. His health was not good and he was always alone. The best thing God did for me is take us to a place no one knew us and that was his Church. Now my husband is loved by the church members, eventhough our relationship is not great, we communicate well when we speak of God.
I would love to help you...maybe even give you my pastors contact cause he truly amazes me with his advice and when i am down and lonely, I email him and he responds to me with wonderful words to encourage me and lift me up.
We are all made imperfect by God...cos if we are perfect, would we even look for God and would we have signed up for this webpage... We seek for love and advice from all...just keep a positive attitude for all...I know it is difficult..I too go thru emotional out break and cry and ask God..why me...but God keeps telling me.."hei shanthi..I chose you cos there isnt anyone better than you to take care of Selva (my husband). I have spoken to my pastor and he said God is absolutely right about it...
My dear sis...God loves you and always will no matter what we feel...and think..he will be there.
Love always
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Permalink Reply by Seek on
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It may not be of much comfort going through it, but in all honesty, when things are getting worse, it's typically because the person (your husband) is under conviction about his behavior. All you can do is hang in, keep praying, and let God deal with it.
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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Personally, I think if you put this in the main forum, you would get more replies as well as more support. My heart was killing me for your son when I read this. In a step-child situation, you go through this anyways but having a special needs doubles that. I've never dealt with a special child situation so I can offer nothing here sister except my prayers but I did forward your blog to a friend who does deal with a special child. Just know, my prayers are going up for you sister.
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Ahh yes, I know I didn't touch on that aspect before. But I too have a son with aspergers (a form of autism). He's highly intelligent, but he does backtalk....A LOT. He is on medication which helps his behavior tremendously. Even I lose patience. It is a lot to deal with. Perhaps your husband simply believes children need to behave, and he's right, they do. But sometimes it's more of an issue with special needs that takes a lot of patience. And maybe God is working on his patience THROUGH your son. I know He works on mine through my son. LOL
Special needs children can be very taxing. Maybe he needs a break away, or downtime from your son at intervals. I know I hardly receive any downtime as a single parent and it is truly wearing on the nerves. But I also know that God's teaching me more patience with him through it.
The other thing is that just because they are special needs, does not mean the sass should be tolerated either. I'm trying to find a balance between holding him accountable for his mouth, with realizing he does have an issue with expressing what he feels and I just need to be patient.
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I'm sorry. I just don't see it this way. I guess because I look at it as a step-mother. I think the father is helping to destroy this young man as well as the rest of his family by constantly keeping the house combative. He's the grown up & needs to get a grip. This child as well as the younger one are going to have scars that are emotional that are harder to heal if he doesn't get a grip. As the mother, I don't know what advice to give. I've been both people - The mean protector as well as the humble submissive wife. Yes, Seek, I'm the humble submissive one now. Not saying I went thru exactly the same but I too had a step-son as well as a daughter who was my husband's step-daughter. I could kick myself every time I look back & I handled things with my son like this man is. He is now 27 & is a good kid but had I given him everything he needed, he could have been further in life is my opinion. With Destiny, Tim handled many things wrong with her. He, too, could kick himself for those errors as well. Praise God, we all lived thru it & now are working on OUR kids & man, I'm getting too old for this. Sorry. I went off on a tangent with that. Just know I'll keep praying.
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I was kinda apologizing to Seek for totally disagreeing with her. lol. I think your husband is as wrong as rain. I don't normally put my nose in people's homes but you put it out there so here is my input. I think your husband needs to be grounded. I allow my kids to respond to things & when I talk to them hateful, they will say Why are you so ill? Then I'll back down & tell them I'm sorry & they are right. What it seems to me is no matter what you say, the husband doesn't back down. Here is what I would do. Every time he does this to your child, I would not say anything. He automatically knows you're going to defend. I would tell him that he is the head of your home & you love him & desire to have your home inline with the word of God. So, regardless, you will back him. Whenever he speaks to your child, like I said earlier, I wouldn't say anything but I would pray like mad. Don't walk off angry, don't make any faces or roll your eyes. Sometimes, when they hear themselves, they hear it really loud. When you are telling him what he's doing wrong, he shuts down. Let him hear himself & allow the Lord to speak to him instead of you. First thing he probably does is get defensive every time you correct him. I don't know anything about his handicap or his understanding but I would tell my child that very thing as well, that daddy is the head & you are going to support him in what he says & does. It took me years to get to where I'm telling you to go but once I finally got there, our home has been pretty awesome most of the time. Now, Tim didn't change overnight nor did I, but we both changed eventually. Though your husband doesn't want to admit it even to himself, he somewhat resents your son. Then, when mama comes along to defend, it makes it worse. Back off & allow the Lord to do His work. The last thing you want is for this child to have any deep emotional scars & that is where it's headed. Forgive me if I sound too harsh on the husband but every time I read something else you've said, my blood pressure rises. I pray he be open to the Lord's voice.
Now, this is my opinion in what I said above. I may be totally wrong with all of it but this is how I handled it & just going by experience. Someone else may have better advice or more Godly advice. I'm just going by what worked for me. Still praying.
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I totally understand. I'll be praying for the entire situation. You can call me Tammy. lol
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I knew he had Aspergers when you said above he mimics your husband. LOL
First, stop trying to do this on your own. You can't train him, and in fact he may be seeing it as just a nagging wife. Instead, let him know how shaky things are and suggests family counseling and/or a class in handling Aspergers/Autistic children. Reading a book don't cut it. He needs some hands on training. It is very hard to find however. Took me three years just to get a diagnosis on my son and to locate an Autism center at a local college that helps with resources. Maybe if he realizes this is what it's going to take to save the marriage, he'll address it.
But before throwing in the towel, I just want to point out the other side of this coin. As a single parent, it will be TEN TIMES harder on you than you may think it is now. Unless it's detrimental and not just a clash of wills, carefully consider it. My son was kicked out of three daycares. He is now in a daycare, much more costly of course, where the owner has training with autistic children. Also finding a church with a really good children's program can be beneficial. My church has an excellent kid's ministry and my son learns a lot there. As a single parent, you will have to work, that means daycare, and if he starts getting kicked out, it puts your job in jeopardy. Most daycares don't deal well with Asperger's children. They see it like your husband, sassy, aggressive...a danger to the other kids. Don't trade one bad situation for another until you've addressed everything you can. Setup a family counseling session and some Asperger's training and let him know he has to go or it may be the final straw.
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BTW, how is he in school? My son's aggressiveness was so bad, he was placed into a behavioral class. He makes very good grades, but he can't be in mainstream classes until he can learn to express himself better. That too took days off work going through IEP meetings with the school. Then there's all his appointments. I haven't had a vacation in four years.
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I'm lucky in that my son is the first type. 114 IQ left brain and 141 right, and they said it could even be higher, but because he is also ADHD (which usually goes along with Aspergers), he doesn't focus. If we get him to focus, he could be well over the 150 genius IQ for right brain which handles math and computer functions. Being on the high intelligence side, he should be able to learn to cope with social skills later on. And I don't mean to cause you any concern, but a girl at one of the centers I've gotten help through has a son who is on the low end as yours. He is 21 and just got his driver's license. She still has to work with him to get him to clean up his room and take care of his hygiene needs and such.
It was the daycare pointed out my son's behavioral issues also at 2 1/2, but we had him evaluated by Birth to Three and they only evaluate intelligence, and therefore ruled out any issues. Then he got kicked out of daycare at the age of 3. I got him into family therapy and was being told they don't medicate kids until they are 6. The new daycare was wanting me to medicate him. About this time, he gets kicked out of the YMCA daycare for the 2 hours he was spending there on weekends while I was exercising. So at 5, they decide to medicate and then we hit insurance snags. They will only go with a certain medication, one I'd heard bad reports on. Luckily, he had an adverse reaction to it, so they then put him on the one the doctor was recommending.
So then we fight the school system. They won't do an IEP until he starts school, which won't bus him to this specialized daycare that will work with him. So I put him into the school's aftercare program. He is kicked out within one week. And within 3, the IEP is done because the teacher and principal cannot take the behavior issues any longer. And they all thought I was blowing smoke. Yikes!
A psychiatrist evaluated him by my words and watching him, but I wanted a real diagnosis. So they sent him for testing and it did indeed come back with a diagnosis of Aspergers/ADHD/ODD. This was after a licensed psychologist in my own church who works with the kids, suggested that he felt my son had Aspergers month's before the psychiatrist came up with it.
I have not heard of the issues you were told of about the classifications. Perhaps it is a state thing? I know finding help in my state took years and a LOT of calls. I don't know what state you're in, but if you haven't found anything to help, perhaps you can call the center here and they may know of help in your state or national help. Give Angela Bryson a call at the Marshall University Autism Clinic at 800-344-5115. If anything, perhaps she can just send you the packet of helpful information she sent me.
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I did discover one thing that I really, really need to buckle down and do and that is create pictures and post them throughout the house, showing, directing, and reminding my son of his responsibilities.
Cool. That's something I didn't think of that I need to try as well.
My son's aggressive tendencies are the majority of the reason he has to be medicated. That is why he kept getting kicked out of daycares. It was becoming a danger to other kids and their parents were complaining. We tried taking him off of one of his medications a couple of weeks ago and within a week, put him right back on it. Suddenly he was having all kinds of issues in both class and after school care that he didn't have before.
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