All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
What do I do?
Ok, I realize the obsticle that's in my way.
I really don't want to tell my parents that in 8th grade I:
1.Became friends with someone online [disobeyed mom,went into a chatroom] and that could have been dangerous.
2.Did self-harm to myself. Not only that but I made an attempt at suicide because of the bullying.
Mom has asked before "What have you done so wrong?" Today the pastor at church asked who's made a mistake. I put my hand up. Mom told me to put it back down. My parents were there for my baptizim.
She thinks I'm a 'good" girl. I'm not. I've done some really bad things....she just doesn't know it. For I've done alot of things my parents don't realize.
How can I tell them some major things I've done wrong when they are under alot of stress? They can't handle the stress of knowing I was going to comitt suicide...I remember mom's face when she first found out in 8th grade that I was suicidal [she never found out about the self harm/attempt at suicide]...I don't want to ever put her through that again. I pretty much didn't bring it up afterwards.
I love what the pastor said. "I baptize you in the Name of the Father who loves you,the Son who died for your sins and the Spirit that lives inside of you." I love hearing that come from someone face to face. That Jesus died for my sins.
I want it to be acknowledged by the person I'm communicating with that I have sin. Not "Oh,well you're a good person." I need to tell somebody what I've done face ot face. How else can I possibly heal after bottling it up for so long? I've bottled stuff up most of my life...
What do I do? What would be the needed step I need to take in this healing process?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Amanda on
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I think you are not wanting anyone to tell you what to do. You want others to care for you and encourage you and shed some light for you while you try to come up with your own answers. The fact that we can think about our problems with others makes us feel a little less hopeless. Finding your own way is very hard. Many do care for you and are praying. I know talking helps to a certain extent. I think right now you feel horrible about this stuff. I think you have kept these things hidden in order to look after the needs of others, such as your mother's needs. I think it probably feels good to finally be able to tell someone, doesn't it?
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Permalink Reply by feet breath on
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I guess I'm just wanting the pain to stop. To finally be able to live life like a regular human being. I guess that's why I like thinking back to my old house. My pap pap was still alive, others were,too. Life wasn't perfect and there was some akwards moments from what I can remember (I moved when I was like around 2/no more than 3 years old). I miss pappy. He died 18 years ago last October 14th.I was 2 and a half years old. I associate the good things in life with that [pappy being alive,my old home]. Kape was good too though. I started when I was 3 [they had special classes for kids not old enough for Kindergarden yet]. They had an awesome big wooden gym set! I remember sitting in class with mom. I think I made a playdow snowman. I also remember cars,dress up, finger painting, dancing and singing. All yeah and the colorful cats on the walls! One time for show and tell I took my tumble baby [the one with blound hair and a pink outfit]. Mom was in the school. So, if Mrs. S. or Miss. J. needed to they could just get her. Mom had a special place where her and the other moms could have coffee and stuff. That's when life was normal.
I guess knowing somebody cares makes me feel wanted. Like I finally belong. Talking helps because I know I'm not alone.
I've kept things hidden because that's the coping method I've known for so long. It's like it's built in now for me. I have to continue on. For I have things that aren't good to postepone that need worked on. Their needs,like moms, is very importent. It's like going up against a current but I don't have a choice. Besides, Jesus will take care of me. I need to be more concerned about others than myself anyways.
Honestly, it does feel good to tell another living soul. It makes me feel wanted,like I belong.
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