Would you choose the storm?

(This was a response of mine to a friend's blog entry that I found many moons later and thought I'd share.)



This is beautiful, my friend. Every bit of it. Oh....the things I could tell you that have traveled thousands of miles through my mind...

But the the fear of vulnerability sat me back in my chair for a second until I realized that my insecurity regarding anyone (namely my daughter in the kitchen behind me) seeing ME get lost in thought, pushed me forward and back into place as I tried to appear nonchalant. God forbid anyone should ever see the sparkle of a leaky eye upon MY face. But you know me.

You've already imagined what it's like to lose someone you cherish more than life. That wondering is a hunger you pray to lose for fear of getting exactly what you're asking for. But I know I'll always know where to find my loss. I keep changing my tactics to take the edge off, year after year, but that wheel must perpetually roll on....

Lest I ever forget.

"Never in a million years.....never in a million years..." were the words I spoke to someone who knew better than I that the loss of three very critical parts of myself were about to become the fatal blow to my dignity and trust in humanity, and ultimately, life's harshest and most important lesson.

Never take the rain for granted. You'll learn more in a single thunderstorm than in a thousand days of sunshine.

Don't think for one minute you've grown unable to feel. Ice shatters like glass at the slightest blow.

Forgive yourself before you question your right to do so. A flower trodden down by the truth will still reach up for the sun. Another day to try again is the gift you give yourself.

It's hard to know where my path will take me from here. Yesterday proved that it's time to try a new one. I learned a long, long time ago not to force my will on anyone. If Life sees fit, our paths will cross again. For another chance to be forgiven.

It's funny how the words we write and post into a virtual world can reach across an unlimited distance and spark such deep thought...real emotion......fear......sorrow. Even though they've come from a different origin, the paths eventually cross and the journey continues to grow....branches reaching into the deepest and darkest places within us......scaling walls and digging up the things we thought we'd buried forever. Things that inevitably haunt us until we face them and give them a name. A purpose. Validation. Acceptance.

What a hellish web I've weaved throughout my years. How hard I've played and how many ways I've died. I'm still amazed at how many times I must relive the same hell to learn a simple lesson. Love. Accept. Give. Grow. Trust someone. Trust yourself. Trust no one. Do all of these things.....all at the same time.

I guess we all get the chance to figure it all out one day. Or we don't. Is it worth all of this? Of course it is. But everyday I still wonder. I just hope all of my little pieces come back together one day before I die in this place. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. But I know I did. Sometimes walking away is the right thing to do. Even when the whole world disagrees.

Maybe this life is just a chapter of a whole. Maybe it's time to bury a few things again for now. So that I can live again. So that love knows where to find me again. So that the sun can remind me that it needs the rain. It's been cold and dark for far too long.

I hear a familiar rhythm from deep down somewhere. I'm afraid but my eyes are open. Then I reach out and push myself away from the same shore I left so long ago. But this time....

....I can already feel the sun.