Would they have been better off...

More memories are coming back. I feel like crying...Some memories I can't even talk about.

Would they have been better off without me? Would they have been better off if I was never born?

It wasn't just the bullies, it wasn't just the cats getting poisoned, it just wasn't watching my uncle play evil video games/horror movies were on t.v while growing up.

Did she hate me? Did I make her final years miserable?

I was in a program "Big Brother's Big Sisters". I think I was teamed up with someone, she was probably teamed up with me when I was in Kindergarden, from what I remember.

Anyways, she [my big sister] had a daughter who would go with us [I think mom went as well, that's probably why she knows stuff that's happened]. Did "Jenny" hate me? It seemed like she didn't want me around. Would I have made her final years better if I wouldn't have been born? Did she resent me being around her mother? She died of cancer when I was in 5th grade. I don't remember one time that she was happy I was around her mother. I only remember the times...it seemed like she resented me being there.

I know this is an absolutely rotten time to put this since it's Mother's Day...I just can't hold this inside without hurting.

It's not only that. It's seems like just being there as made people upset. I knocked those blocks on Mrs. R's ankle when I was in her class [her class was before Kindergarden]. I still remember her getting very upset with me showing the mark I left. She lifted up her pant leg...My hearing problem is probably part of the reason I remember it. For I know she certainly wasn't quiet when showing me. She wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs, she was just louder than usual...

It's not only stuff that happened when I was little. It's been like this my whole life. Recently one of my uncles screamed at me on the phone for not picking it up quick enough. I didn't know who it was, so I let it rang. It seemed important because it kept ringing so many times. I answered it...he screamed at me.

I think it was last year or ether early this year [I just remember it was warm enough to go out]. We went to a dounut place to meet with the family [on dad's side]. I guess I was talking too much...For before the family was about to leave my uncle [this wasn't the same uncle as on the phone] complained that he couldn't get a word in because I talked too much throughout the time of being there.

I don't get it. It seems like whatever I do, trouble may follow. I asked help from a couple sisters in Christ [different times, different years and not the same sisters]. I got blamed the first time I asked her face to face]. And the other time I asked for help, that time online, I got banned from the forum.

That's why I tried my best in school to behave. I didn't want yelled out. I didn't want to get into trouble. I was terrified of getting into trouble. I watched how other students were treated. I was so scared...I didn't even ask to go to the restroom as much I had to. I held it instead. I asked sometimes [and that didn't even work when there was someone already there. And I had to leave if she/they took too long]. I remember in 8th grade Mr. F. wouldn't let me go one time. He said it's break time not potty time or something like that. He let me latter on despite I had to go sit down. He must of changed his mind, by the Grace of God.  Ever since than [it didn't help I was already scared to ask too much... that made it worse] I also remember in 9th grade a girl asked to go one too many times. Ms. C. said she could go that time but she wasn't allowed to ask anymore in her class.

That got me scared even more.

 Despite trying to behave...I still got into trouble. It wasn't like I was trying to misbehave or anything like that...Sure I did things at times they wouldn't have approved of. Like I prayed I could go into a certain restroom without getting caught. They didn't want us in that restroom. I was too scared of the other restroom for awhile. It was for survival. That's why I didn't listen to them on that. But something like throwing paper balls, I was too scared...

There were teachers who got upset with me as well. In elementary, one time, Mrs. P. [she taught music] told me how bad a singer I was but said how much better Howard was getting. She didn't take me out of class, she said it in front of the whole class.

In high school...It was in 11th grade, 2nd period English class. I missed a day and told Mrs. J. I didn't want to do a native american creation  myth story. Don't get me wrong, I love having a little Cherokee in me, but I couldn't do something that had to do with writing a creation myth. I told her a day late since I missed the day of school before. She looked me in the face and said real sternly "Don't you ever do this to me again."

I also remember In 10th grade...I think I took a tiny break [it was like a history class]. We were on something to do with the midevel days, with the castles and knights and stuff. My tiny break [I had the materials in front of me while in my seat and I was just taking a quick rest] got Mr. Y. upset. I forgot what he said...I just remember he wasn't too happy with me.

In 7th grade, we were doing West Test [they changed it later on, I think when I was in high school]. We were told not to go ahead. Well, guess what? I went ahead. The librarian [she was watching us while we took the test] grabbed my arm. Another boy got into trouble as well. They sent him out of the class.

In the class I took before Mrs. R.'s...I got into trouble for not saying my ABC's correctly. I remember I was put into the corner. It must be me for Miss. J. and Miss. S. were nice...it had to of been my fault.

In 3rd grade we took a little field trip. I fell down. On the bus I was crying. Mrs. M. got upset because I was crying [I don't remember if there was any tears but I was deffently quite upset]. She said something like "Oh you won't die" or something like that. Mrs. M. was nice though....it must be me. Like it always is, it must be just because I was there...because I was the one in pain.

It's just not from things that happened when I was little though. It seems like it's just a matter of time until I upset someone...just by being there.

Would they have been better off if I was never born? I know I'm difficult. I know I have problems. I have trouble with my hearing [I have good hearing it's just it's hard to understand directions]. I have a lot of things wrong with me. I can't even open up a can of soup. My hands are too small, I don't have enough strength. I know I'm difficult. I have problems and I can't help that.

I feel like crying...I never asked to be born. Why is it that, like all my life, I've caused trouble for people? I can't help it I'm not as productive in society as others are. I can't cook, I can't wash dishes and I surely won't ever be able to drive a car. Hey, I can't even ride a bike. The muscles in my legs can't operate the peddles too well. As embarssing as it is to say. If I ever did ride a bike the only way would be with training wheels. Push ups are near impossible for me, I can't swim or tumble or cartwheels. And when I run, I run crooked.

I'll get through this life by the Grace of God. I just can't help but wonder if they would have been better off if I was never born. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just want to know why I cause so much trouble for people and don't even mean to.