All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
Would they have been better off...
More memories are coming back. I feel like crying...Some memories I can't even talk about.
Would they have been better off without me? Would they have been better off if I was never born?
It wasn't just the bullies, it wasn't just the cats getting poisoned, it just wasn't watching my uncle play evil video games/horror movies were on t.v while growing up.
Did she hate me? Did I make her final years miserable?
I was in a program "Big Brother's Big Sisters". I think I was teamed up with someone, she was probably teamed up with me when I was in Kindergarden, from what I remember.
Anyways, she [my big sister] had a daughter who would go with us [I think mom went as well, that's probably why she knows stuff that's happened]. Did "Jenny" hate me? It seemed like she didn't want me around. Would I have made her final years better if I wouldn't have been born? Did she resent me being around her mother? She died of cancer when I was in 5th grade. I don't remember one time that she was happy I was around her mother. I only remember the times...it seemed like she resented me being there.
I know this is an absolutely rotten time to put this since it's Mother's Day...I just can't hold this inside without hurting.
It's not only that. It's seems like just being there as made people upset. I knocked those blocks on Mrs. R's ankle when I was in her class [her class was before Kindergarden]. I still remember her getting very upset with me showing the mark I left. She lifted up her pant leg...My hearing problem is probably part of the reason I remember it. For I know she certainly wasn't quiet when showing me. She wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs, she was just louder than usual...
It's not only stuff that happened when I was little. It's been like this my whole life. Recently one of my uncles screamed at me on the phone for not picking it up quick enough. I didn't know who it was, so I let it rang. It seemed important because it kept ringing so many times. I answered it...he screamed at me.
I think it was last year or ether early this year [I just remember it was warm enough to go out]. We went to a dounut place to meet with the family [on dad's side]. I guess I was talking too much...For before the family was about to leave my uncle [this wasn't the same uncle as on the phone] complained that he couldn't get a word in because I talked too much throughout the time of being there.
I don't get it. It seems like whatever I do, trouble may follow. I asked help from a couple sisters in Christ [different times, different years and not the same sisters]. I got blamed the first time I asked her face to face]. And the other time I asked for help, that time online, I got banned from the forum.
That's why I tried my best in school to behave. I didn't want yelled out. I didn't want to get into trouble. I was terrified of getting into trouble. I watched how other students were treated. I was so scared...I didn't even ask to go to the restroom as much I had to. I held it instead. I asked sometimes [and that didn't even work when there was someone already there. And I had to leave if she/they took too long]. I remember in 8th grade Mr. F. wouldn't let me go one time. He said it's break time not potty time or something like that. He let me latter on despite I had to go sit down. He must of changed his mind, by the Grace of God. Ever since than [it didn't help I was already scared to ask too much... that made it worse] I also remember in 9th grade a girl asked to go one too many times. Ms. C. said she could go that time but she wasn't allowed to ask anymore in her class.
That got me scared even more.
Despite trying to behave...I still got into trouble. It wasn't like I was trying to misbehave or anything like that...Sure I did things at times they wouldn't have approved of. Like I prayed I could go into a certain restroom without getting caught. They didn't want us in that restroom. I was too scared of the other restroom for awhile. It was for survival. That's why I didn't listen to them on that. But something like throwing paper balls, I was too scared...
There were teachers who got upset with me as well. In elementary, one time, Mrs. P. [she taught music] told me how bad a singer I was but said how much better Howard was getting. She didn't take me out of class, she said it in front of the whole class.
In high school...It was in 11th grade, 2nd period English class. I missed a day and told Mrs. J. I didn't want to do a native american creation myth story. Don't get me wrong, I love having a little Cherokee in me, but I couldn't do something that had to do with writing a creation myth. I told her a day late since I missed the day of school before. She looked me in the face and said real sternly "Don't you ever do this to me again."
I also remember In 10th grade...I think I took a tiny break [it was like a history class]. We were on something to do with the midevel days, with the castles and knights and stuff. My tiny break [I had the materials in front of me while in my seat and I was just taking a quick rest] got Mr. Y. upset. I forgot what he said...I just remember he wasn't too happy with me.
In 7th grade, we were doing West Test [they changed it later on, I think when I was in high school]. We were told not to go ahead. Well, guess what? I went ahead. The librarian [she was watching us while we took the test] grabbed my arm. Another boy got into trouble as well. They sent him out of the class.
In the class I took before Mrs. R.'s...I got into trouble for not saying my ABC's correctly. I remember I was put into the corner. It must be me for Miss. J. and Miss. S. were nice...it had to of been my fault.
In 3rd grade we took a little field trip. I fell down. On the bus I was crying. Mrs. M. got upset because I was crying [I don't remember if there was any tears but I was deffently quite upset]. She said something like "Oh you won't die" or something like that. Mrs. M. was nice though....it must be me. Like it always is, it must be just because I was there...because I was the one in pain.
It's just not from things that happened when I was little though. It seems like it's just a matter of time until I upset someone...just by being there.
Would they have been better off if I was never born? I know I'm difficult. I know I have problems. I have trouble with my hearing [I have good hearing it's just it's hard to understand directions]. I have a lot of things wrong with me. I can't even open up a can of soup. My hands are too small, I don't have enough strength. I know I'm difficult. I have problems and I can't help that.
I feel like crying...I never asked to be born. Why is it that, like all my life, I've caused trouble for people? I can't help it I'm not as productive in society as others are. I can't cook, I can't wash dishes and I surely won't ever be able to drive a car. Hey, I can't even ride a bike. The muscles in my legs can't operate the peddles too well. As embarssing as it is to say. If I ever did ride a bike the only way would be with training wheels. Push ups are near impossible for me, I can't swim or tumble or cartwheels. And when I run, I run crooked.
I'll get through this life by the Grace of God. I just can't help but wonder if they would have been better off if I was never born. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just want to know why I cause so much trouble for people and don't even mean to.
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Comment by feet breath on May 14, 2013 at 9:17pm
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I'll pray for you, you said you're nervous about that place.
There's a garden growing in the backyard. :)
The Holy Spirit deffently has us forever learning on this earth from what's in the Bible. :-)
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Comment by Ricprimus on May 14, 2013 at 8:16pm
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Füße Baum-: Das Lernen einer Sprache zweifellos zählt und kann eine gute Herausforderung sein. (Feet Trees: Learning a language certainly does count and can be a good challenge.) Yep, picking a foreign language and studying it can keep the brain sharp. My sister who teaches French, Italian and Spanish (the Romance languages) at Ohio State is the family linguist, but I've managed to learn a few to muddle along in, mostly for my studies in art, paleobiology and of course my Christian studies.
I do understand the bad situation you are in, have done my share of big city life and though done with it for good, I tutor inner city kids in Columbus twice a week and help at their local homeless hangout on Fridays (we cook big dinner, have music or movies, it's called Jericho's, part of the City of Life ministries. Lol, a bad, bad area of Columbus that makes me nervous and I was a Marine. Anyway, besides everything else, I manage to find a few hours every few days to play one of the free online games (I play 4 fantasy rpgs, one is an anime) so have a nice escape for subconscious thought.
Maybe you can find some peace in gardening, easy enough to grow flowers or even veggies in cans. As to calligraphy, "being the best at it" isn't important, what is is to find something you enjoy and keeps your brain from melting. I'll do a temporary blog of something I'm writing and link to you about calligraphy that you may enjoy.
And stay with your studies of the Bible, it is a never ending discovery.
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I'm limited at where I can take pictures. I'd love to take a picture of a deer or a stream! :-) I'm limited though because unless I'm with someone [like going to the store] I'm not allowed to go on the street. There's all kinds of dangerous people close by. I remember in 9th grade I was with some other kids at the bus stop. A drug dealer [there was a woman in the car with him] stopped by and asked us for rocks. I thought he meant rocks on the ground and I was about to hand some to him. Good thing a boy stopped me. I don't know if he had a gun or what.
I tried Calligraphy in 12th grade [I needed one more art credit to graduate to I picked that]. I wasn't the best at it.
Would foreign language count? I don't know a whole lot of German but I do know some words and how to count to 20. I learned Jesus loves me and I'm learning Amazing Grace.
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Amanda's comment "Everyone needs an avenue of ventilation where they can get some things off their heart and find a little relief. Prayer is really helpful" is very good advice (as always). Another wonderful thing for you given your love for your cats and some photos of birds on your profile might be to explore adding nature photography as an activity. For me, being out in a woods looking for an interesting critter to photograph can be quite a release, along with then reading up on the animal/plant itself. (For me it also has the advantage of being away from annoying, pesky people). Also, with your obvious sensitivity and inner life, I am surprised you have not discovered one of the forms of art, which can at once be a prayer, an inner challenge and a release of worldly tensions. From your deep relationship with God, I would recommend Calligraphy, it's cheap to start and do, easy to learn a few basic writing styles, and it fits perfect with the beautiful Word of God. Spending time writing out the 23rd psalm, the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer, etc. can be a wonderful experience, and the result can be a way of glorifying God, or even a way to bring others close to Him.
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It's nice to know there's brothers and sisters in Christ who take the time to listen. :-) I know I'm only in my early 20's but a lot has built up. Being able to talk about it with people who understand has helped me so much.
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Thanks,Amanda. :-) I'm doing better. God is helping me heal. I just had to let that out. Some things I had kept inside for so long, like about concerning Jenifer. That felt really good to admit. That was one of the many things buried inside. I guess I didn't realize that what she said so long ago still had an effect on me.
Admitting that has really been freeing. :)
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Thanks. It does take time to heal. But God uses it for good Romans 8:28.
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Life is a lot like learning about God and how to be called His: it's a continual series of revelation and learning. Sometimes we simply misunderstand and mess up; sometimes we are just disobedient to Him, people that tell us what we should do, even out own better sense; sometimes we are just contrary and go with our own desires and needs instead of what we know we should do. The worse wounds to myself, are usually self inflicted, and some memories are just scar tissue I pick at, and some are even open wounds I've never allowed to heal. Some of my personal demons I hang on to simply because I've grown used to them and I guess their taunts and torments let me know I am alive. Over time you learn to cope, to pick up the pieces and get on with your life since being miserable just simply gets to be too boring a way to live. God is there to help: there is nothing you can do or too low you can sink, that you can turn to Him and go home. I always will be God's little dog: I make a mess on the floor, He grabs me by the collar and sticks my nose in it and says "Bad Dog!" and often whacks me with a newspaper, then He hugs me. Someday I hope not to make messes on the floor! I don't count on it though, I'm pretty onery at times.
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Thanks. I'm not as stressed out now. Please pray though God is glorified in this and helps me to heal more.
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Than I've got a long way to go...
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