What's wrong with me?

What do you do?

Ok, here's the problem. I have so much built up from over the years. I can ether lock up and contniue to hold it in or realse it. Locking up won't help. Yet, if I realse it than it's like a flood pouring into my soul. I have to deal with what I've locked up inside and it's not just one event. It's like it's all coming at me at once. From the cats that got posioned to the bullies over the years. I have these flashbacks that I'm reliving through. I'm not reliving through one flashback. I'm reliving through many from over the years.

It wasn't only the bullies. My friends made fun of me sometimes. It happened in junior high and high school. I remember a few times some teachers even made things worse.

1. In elementary. She didn't take me outside of music class. She told me how bad of a singer I was in front of the whole class.

2.In junior high. I disobeyed. I went ahead on my west test in 7th grade. She grabbed my arm because of it. Another boy got into trouble too but I don't know what happened to him.

3. In 11th grade english class. I missed a day of school.When I came back  I didn't want to do a myth on creation involving native americans (I love the native americans, I have a little Cherokee in me, I just don't like the idea of putting the words creation and myth together). She looked me in the face. "Don't you ever do this to me again." She said it real sternly. I got the same kind of fear from that as I got from the fear of when I was like around 4 or 5. I knocked blocks on Miss. R.'s ankle. She showed me and said something like "Don't you think that didn't hurt?" There has been so much fear surrounded by that memory.

4. I remember Miss. H. in 12th grade anatomy said this. "You can go but I'm not giving you a pass. And if you get caught you're on your own." That teriffied me so I held it instead of really ever asking her (I asked once or twice when I had my chance). She told other kids that. I was teriffied she'd tell me that too. I remember one time we had a class project. The other person would eat/drink something. The partner would listen to his/her stomach with a stethascope. Well, I had to really go so I didn't feel like drinking water. Another girl tried to comfort me. I didn't ask to go though. I drank a tiny bit of water. Jesus got me through it. Please remember I already was teriffied of asking to use the restroom. That fear was backed up for years. It is instinces like telling a students he/she can go but isn't getting a pass and he/she is on their own. It is stuff like that that has caused my fear to grow. There's other instinces that helped cause fear to grow but not nearly as bad. Jesus is helping me with it. Although, I still struggle.

I thank God though for Miss. D. and Miss. G. If ether of you are reading this right now I want to tell you both thanks. Both of you were such a blessing to me. Neither of you will know how much this side of Heaven. You don't know how greatful I am God put both of you in this journey called life for me.

In 12th grade I had 3rd period gudience office. They let me go to the bathroom often. First period Nursing in 12th grade was also a blessing for there was a built in restroom. I think atleast once we were told not to use that one for that was for the other nursing students [please keep in mind I joined a nursing class that could be used for anyone in high school but it was mainly for 9th graders]. None of us really listened though. I had to sneak. I had to make sure they weren't looking so I could go into the restroom. Did they know? I think they did know girls still went in. I didn't want to risk it though so I snuck.

:sighs: There's many other things that contributed to the restroom fear. It'd be too long to list at the moment though.

I also remember some sisters in Christ...not on this forum though. With what was said by both of them [different times,different years apart]...it makes me wonder. What is wrong with me? I mean if they had those kind of opinions than something is wrong with me.

I'm thinking about what my friends have said,the incidents with the teachers and my sisters in Christ. I wonder what is wrong with me. I mean how could something not be wrong with me if they all said what they did/did what they did...?

It seems like I've had something wrong with me ever since I was little. No matter what it seemed like I was the one black sheep out of 99 white sheep. Or I was the only dalmation without her spots when everyone else had their spots. I try to help but I always seem to be the one who is able to help the least. Well, I did try to help in one group I was in online in 8th grade and I got a message from someone that I was skating on thin ice. I was too bossy in the group. I don't know where he/she got the message though. I asked someone else about it and she didn't know what I meant.

Yet even when I was in a group in school I didn't do as much as the others. They were able to accomplish so much more than me. It was so much easier when I didn't have to group and I could just do a project on my own.

Well, I'm out of school. It still seems like I'm that one black sheep....Why does it seem like something is still wrong with me? I don't want to hold a grudge against any of them. I just want to know what's wrong with me.

I guess one reason it's hard to move on is because it seems like despite moving on I'm always going to be that one black sheep while on this earth.

I'm remembering more than I used to...I remember when I was like around 3. My parents were sleeping in bed. I was in between them. I thought I seen the creepy Halloween prop that teriffied me. Knowing me I may have not even told my parents it scared me. If I did I probably said something years later after I wasn't as scared of it as much/it at all. Even back than I tended to not tell when something bothered/scared me. Honestly, I had nightmares about that thing though. One time when I woke up (I was certainly older than 3, possibly around 3rd or 4th grade) and started breathing heavy after I had a nightmare about it. I still remember that dream. It and me were wrestling. I'm not sure who won. I don't know if I ever told my parents about even one of those nightmares. Over the years growing up when I was little I was still scared of it. 

Is snubbing someone a form of rejection? If so that's the very first time I got rejected by another child that I remember. The girl across the street was on her little trike or whatever. I was like around 3. I'm not sure if she's a year older or not or if she's my age. I remember that as my earliest time of being rejected. Odd thing is she'd be one of the bullies I'd have to face later on in my junior high/some of my high school years.

Wow, that feels good to finally tell about that stuff....