Unsure of what the right thing to do is

I was very young when I married my first husband, he too was very young, we thought we knew everything.  He was a wonderful husband, I take all the blame for our divorce.  I lied, I cheated, I was an adulteress over and over again.  I was so cruel to him, I was filled with nothing but self loathing, and I took it all out on him.  We divorced, it wasn't what he wanted, and deeply inside myself I didn't either, I just did not know what I wanted.  Four years later, after our divorce, and all my affairs, one night stands, I met a married man.  He and his wife had separated many times,  during one of those separations we got together.  We were always together, we would fight or we were having sex.  I didn't care about anything at that point in my life.  I got pregnant, I got an abortion, it was my second abortion, I had got pregnant once before, Mom would not let me come home unless I aborted it.  I was 19 years old, I was scared to be alone, I gave in, I aborted this child.  My second husband and I continued to see each other, it was crazy, I didn't love him, he just happened to be there.  Again, I got pregnant, this time he divorced his wife and we married.  It was a nightmare, I came home from my honeymoon covered in black and blue bruises, he had beaten me so badly I don't know why I didn't lose my baby.  My parents came over, they ridiculed me, the I told you so's, and of course I could come home if I aborted this child.  I could not do it, I went back to my abusive husband, for some reason I was so afraid of being alone, this went on for years.  I had my first son in April.  My husband started to abuse my child, it got to where I would step in the middle and I took the beatings.  We were together almost 10 years, during that time I somehow found God.  I spent more time on my knees during that time than I had during my entire life.  I remember one time, my husband had come home, he was angry, I didn't know why, I sent my children to their rooms and told them to be very quiet.  I went to my closet and I prayed, I prayed so hard for my children's safety, and I suddenly was overcome with the most amazing peace, it was the last time my husband touched one of my children.  I finally talked him into letting me find a job, the extra money could really help.  He gave in thinking I would fall on my face and come running home.  I took a job in Business to business sales, I took off like a rocket, I made more money in my first year than he had during our entire marriage. But I still had that horrible fear of being alone, that was the only reason I hadn't left him.  I continued to work, he quit his job, he felt he didn't need to work,I made enough to support the family.  Out of the fear that he would hurt one of my three children I put them in daycare, I told him it was to make his days easier.  One morning I got ready for work, got the kids off to school and my youngest to daycare, I was stopped at a light when this feeling overcame me, I needed to leave him, today!  I turned around and picked up my youngest child, went and picked up my other two boys from school and I put them in a different daycare, that he didn't know about.  I was shocked the daycare took them in on such short notice.  I went to work and told my manager I needed a personal day, he was fine with that.  I found a woman's shelter, which agreed to let my children and I stay for 30 days.  That was great by me, I was having a good month at work so at the end of 30 days I could afford an apartment for the kids and I.  The kids weren't to happy that we were now living in a tiny room with bunk beds, my two oldest shared the top and I slept with my youngest on the bottom.     The next day, the kids went to the women's shelter school and my youngest to there daycare, I went home to pick up our belongings, I went with a Sheriff to ensure my safety, he wasn't there, but the scene in the house even shocked the officer.  He told me that if the children and I had been home when this happened we wouldn't be alive.  My husband had destroyed everything in that house, he had taken all of our clothing and dumped it it different dumpsters around the city. I wasn't going to give in, I went to my sales manager and explained the situation, he gave me $500.00 from his own pocket to buy clothes for the children and I.  My husband disappeared,  he left town, I rented a two bedroom apartment for the kids and I.  I could not get a divorce back then unless I found him, so I let things alone, that was in 1989.  In 1992 just before my birthday I met a man, it was the first date since I left my husband.  Two weeks later my husband showed up on my doorstep, he knew we weren't divorced, because he wasn't there.  From somewhere I found the strength to stand up to him, I asked what he was doing here.  He had found out he had stage 4 lung cancer, he needed my help.  I told him I would put off getting a divorce until he got his treatment, that way with us still being married he would have insurance.  He admitted to living with some woman in Denver for the last few years.  I made this one condition, he was not going to stay with us!  It made him furious, but for some odd reason he just left, I thought for sure I was going to be beat to death.  Needless to say, the kids and I moved to another apartment, one he had never been to.  He went through all his treatments, and when they were done he moved to Arizona with his Mother.  three months later he came back, we were divorced, but his cancer was back.  Something in him had changed, he was humble, he was broken.  I listened to him, I even cried with him, he had rented a small apartment and would appreciate if he could see the boys.  My middle son was the only one who would agree to see him.  After a couple visits, he asked if he could stay with his Dad, I hesitated, but I let him go as long as he did not leave the state with him.  My son was with him for about 8 months, at that time he, my son, called me he was in tears and didn't know what to do.  He was only 8 years old, he had always wanted his Dad's acceptance, he said, Mommy, Dad wants me to stay with Pam and Rob for awhile, but I want to come home, but i don't want to hurt Daddy, he is dying.  It took everything I had to hold back the tears, and clear my throat, I told him I understood, and it was okay to stay with Aunt Pam and Uncle Rob for awhile, and when the time comes and his Dad passes away I would come get him.  He made me promise, so I did.  During all that time Pam and Rob got used to that extra Social Security money, they bought a new home, and my son's part of the money they received was exactly half of what they needed to make their house payment.  When my husband died, it was a total mess.  Pam and her husband convinced a school principle to allow them to enroll him in school without my permission, they had filled Brian's little head full of so many lies, they managed to talk a social worker I was unfit Mother and gave them temporary custody of him.  I went to get him after Steven died, Rob looked right into my little son's face and told him that if he went with me he would never be welcome in his house or family again.  It broke his heart, his Dad just died, he thought these people loved him.  To make this long story shorter, we ended up in court in a custody battle for Brian.  The Judge asked Rob why I was an unfit Mother for Brian but okay for my youngest and oldest children, he couldn't answer, I stood up, I asked the courts permission to speak.  I had already figured out what they were doing.  Brian was there, he was with the Alexanders, I told the Judge I would be willing to give up my custody rights if they agreed to give up the Social Security monies they received every month.  I said, that way they won't get paid to love him, they would show him he was what was important, not the money.  The Judge looked at Rob, and told him he thought that was an excellent idea, and asked Rob what he had to say.  Rob stood up, beat red with fury, and told us NO WAY, they wanted that money.  That was all the Judge had to say, he told them they would give me back my full parental custody immediately.  He ordered an officer to escort us all to the Alexander home to pickup all Brian's things.  So I had my son, he was finally home.  We went home and the gentleman I was now engaged to, told me to send the children downstairs.  I did, he said I was wrong, I should not have fought for my son, I already had 2 kids, I should have let the Alexanders have him.  That was the last time I ever saw him, it took all of 10 minutes to pack up the kids, give him his ring back and we were on our way.  That was in September 1992.  A year later I met a Gentleman, like me he didn't drink, he loved kids, he was like a dream come true.  I forgot that if something seems to good to be real, it usually isn't real.  We married in June 1994, we are married still to this day.  My children are all grown, I have grandchildren now.  It has been a very hard marriage, things I learned about this man during all these years would have sent the normal person running for the hills.  I have thought many times of leaving but I haven't I'm still here.  

My baby sister, who was an alcoholic ten years younger than myself, needed help.  I went to be with her and to try to help her to dry out.  She and I were very close, unlike my full blooded sister, we always fought.  My Father was killed in an auto accident when I was 4 years, Mom remarried and had 3 more children.  My step-father was an alcoholic, all three of his children were alcoholics, Mom even became an alcoholic.  9 months of trying to dry her out, I went home to be there when my second Grandchild was to be born.  I was gone six weeks, my Sister and I talked everyday at least once.  I found a job to help cover the bills because she had lost her job and they needed the help.  Six weeks after I left, I talked to Ginger in the morning, her voice was different.  I was worried, i called my brother, I begged him to take time off work and go check on her.  He did, he called me in tears, she looked just awful, bloated, her eyes were black and lifeless.  Jolene, his wife, had gone through the same thing with her brother, she got on the phone and told me not to try and drive up that day because they were having a terrible storm.  I talked with ginger again, she said I love you, come tomorrow.  1:30 in the morning I got a call from Ginger's husband, Ginger was gone, she had just passed.  I grabbed my things, told Michael we need to go NOW, we made it to Salt Lake City by 7:oo am.  I still don't know all what happened during those 6 weeks, I suppose I never will.  Two years before Ginger died, my oldest little Brother committed suicide.  He shot himself in the head.  Their deaths were harder on me than Mom's, maybe because I did home hospice for her and her husband, he died 6 weeks before she did, alcohol.  Mom emailed all my siblings to ask them to try and be kind to me, I was the only one with the strength to do what I was doing.  I always put Mom to bed, I would rub her feet, she thought I did it because she loved it, I did but mostly because the hospice nurse told me the bottom of her feet will let me know where she was at in the dying process.  The last time I put Mom to bed, it was early, but she stopped at her bedroom door, she turned around and my Mom hugged me, she told me she loved me, that is the only time I can remember her ever hugging me let alone telling me she loved me.   I sat at the foot of her bed, we talked awhile, she made me promise to watch over Kirk and Ginger, they were the ones she worried about the most.  

This is another time I felt God's presence in my life, I know with all my heart that he was there holding me up, he carried me through the entire grieving process.  I was a mess after her death, strange things were happening at that time.  Now believe me or not but these things did happen and I am going to share because I know Jesus is the son of god, I know he loves us and he is there for us during our darkest hours, I know because I have personally experienced his love, and felt his presence in my lifetime many times.  I was sitting on the bathroom floor with a bottle of sleeping pills, I was going to take them all.  This was after my brothers death.  As I sat there, I heard a voice, it was soft it was sweet, it was my Mother speaking to me.  She told me it was no longer my burden, to pick myself up and be strong, then the room filled with the smell of roses, her favorite flower.  I have had other similar things happen, maybe not quite as strong but I felt, I saw, I knew God sent these people to me during times of despair to lift me up and remind me that I am not alone, he is always there with me, even if i don't feel him, he is there.  

Now, my newest dilemma,  my marriage has never been happy, my husband isn't the man I married, he has done things that would make the normal woman run for the hills.  I like that saying.  Anyway, during the time I was with my sister, I ran into my first husband.  We had coffee, we talked, he had a son, and when he was born his wife ran off with another man, leaving Darrell and his son behind.  They divorced, he has never remarried, he said he just doesn't have good luck with relationships.  Hours and hours must have passed by, we started to talk about our marriage, I started to cry.  I told him everything, I held back nothing, I told him the truth.  I expected him to look at me with total disgust, to stop out, to scream, anything but what I got.  He looked at me, he said he knew, he told me he has always loved me and didn't want the divorce, he wanted to work things out, but gave in only because he thought that it was what I wanted.  He said he forgave me long ago, and he searched for me for 12 years.  He told me he never stopped loving me and he wished I would forgive myself because that is what he wanted.  I felt the love in my heart for this man so deeply, I felt the feelings I had when we first realized we were in love.  Before all the negative influence of the alcoholic Mother and step-Father  that came into my life.  I told him I am married, he said he figured, but he knew it was not a happy marriage.  He said he could feel that my husband was holding me back from a happiness greater than anything else I had felt.  He said I would never find a true relationship with our Heavenly Father, because he didn't believe.  So, here I am, what do I do?  Where do I go from here?