testing faith?

Alot has happened from last night to now. I thought I was going to get sued/prison 5 years because of something that came up. It was a virus! Thanks Char for telling me about the rebooting or whatever.

 

I'm sorry everyone who tried to help. I thought no one understood...you guys were right it was a virus(s?) I'm the one who didn't understand. It was my anxiety yet again...

 

:sighs: I thought the Holy Spirit was telling me something, now I'm just not sure...it may have just been me thinking about this situation...I just don't know.

 

I seem like I'm loosing faith...I don't want to...

 

I want to be held by Jesus. I want this pain to go away.

 

I'm so confused right now...I'm not even sure how to hear the Holy Spirit anymore....

 

I know I have to go back to the original "starting point". The gospel. And, not to worry about physical harm. This whole thought of prison took me off thinking about the gospel.

 

I want to be used by God. I have to wait on the Holy Spirit. I just don't know how to hear Him now...and how will I know it's Him telling me something?

 

I would just love to...I want to strengthen my relationship with God. I can be verbal just not always. Yes, I talk and can have a conversation. It's just when I need to say something or have a thought I can't process I may make sounds, I wave my hands and arms. I wave my arms when I'm talking to God (talking is not always verbal) at times/often. It's good He understands. I'm not good at comprehnension. I'm not good with big thoughts.

 

The arm flapping is only a fraction of my life though. There's problems...Wait a minute! I have to add this point before I forget. I was afraid of planes and bees and wasps. The Holy Spirit is helping me overcome those fears. Praise God! You know what would be nice? It'd be nice to overcome my fears...there's bad fears (like falling of a bike scares me/running into a wall with the bike) and there's ones that carry torment...

 

I would love to go on a camping trip, get out of the city for awhile with some brothers and sisters in Christ. That sounds great...I long for fellowship with another Christian face to face...

 

Anyways, yes there's problems. The JW, demonic torment, anxiety... I want to take Jesus' hand and not be afraid. :sighs: I might as well list what I'm afraid of.

1) To see any of my unsaved family/friends/people I know to suffer. I don't want to see any saved people suffer it's just more difficult with any unsaved people because Jesus isn't there comfort.

 

2) For my parents/friends/family to see me suffering. The exception would be my aunt and my one friend since they're both Christians. For they're both Christians (that makes it easier).

 

3)I'm afraid to run a bike into a wall/fall off of the bike.

 

4)To go underwater. I can't swim. So, it's horrible to feel yourself sinking, to have all that water in your nose and have nothing to grab onto.

 

5)For something bad to happen and be alone. For ex. like if someone tried to stab me. I'm not as scared since Jesus is with me though.

 

6)To mess up an electric appliance like a washer or dryer.

 

7) For the JW to find out...I've done alot of stuff they'd see as "persecution". And, I'm scared of being asked something and getting tounge tied...

 

8) I haven't had a ball thrown at me in a long while. But, I've been scared of balls hitting me in the face.

 

9)I'm scared of giving someone something to eat and they'll be allergic (it happened in 11th grade, the boy almost died I've been scared since). He asked in enviornmental science. It turns out he was allergic to the cheese on the chips...he was itching and had to go to the hospital (I think he had to get his stomach pumped out or something).

 

10) I'm scared of Bloody Mary and the other one...

 

11)I'm scared one of the cats (or an ally cat) will go out and get posioned.

 

12)I'm scared people will see/hear me in the restroom.

 

13)I'm scared to write three 6s.

 

14)I'm scared I'll oneday deny Jesus...

 

15)I'm scared mom will end up getting baptized into the JW faith...

 

16)I'm scared I won't make the rapture

 

17) I don't want Jesus to be mad at me...I'm scared once I see Him He won't be very happy at me...

 

18)certain songs put fear/dread into me.

 

19)chatrooms

 

20)I've been afraid before I would go blind (it's not fun for my eyes to blurry while wearing glasses,it magnifies it). The blurines with glasses doesn't happen often but when it has it's scary.

 

21)I've stuttered before. I've been afraid people would hear me (I'm ashamed as well).

 

22)To cause a car wreck (possibly hurting someone else or myself). I'm afraid to drive.

 

23)I'm scared I'll be hit by a vehicle.

 

24)I'm afraid I'll cause a fire if I used the stove.

 

So, yeah I have alot of fears.  The weird thing is I'm not as afraid of climbing or doing some things at the spur of the moment. I love exploring things!

 

I want...I want to be used for Jesus' praise and glory.

 

I don't fit in with alot of people. The psychologist (this was when I was in 8th grade) said I was 5 years ahead of my time. I see it more like I'm behind people my age. I can't properly devide large numbers,I can't cook unless by microwave, I have trouble washing dishes...I don't like walking in a city alone (too much noise and traffic). I'm behind. It took until like the 11th grade for me start brushing out my hair on my own. I'm a slow learner.

 

There's stuff I can't be open about right now. I still need to heal. I guess some ways I try to go "in my own world" is by thinking of better times(although they really not that great), daydreaming and writing.

 

Speaking of writing. Please be pacient with me. I took a writing class half a year in 11th and creative writing in 12th half a year. My brain is now wired more for writing.

 

This is what my life seems like.

 

The young girl was walking through the grass. Smelling the wonderful smell of a potential rain. That's a downside though. Since, there's no shelter in sight. As she looks up again she see gray storm clouds. A lightning bolt lights up the now darkened sky. There's something behind her. She runs and falls on the ground, loosing both sandles. As she picks her self up she feels her feet touch the now wet grass. Whatever the thing was is near but not in sight. She sees an old abandoned farm house that hasn't seen a living soul since the 1920s. She opens the door. She goes upstairs and finds a closet. She bundles her legs to her chest and shuts the closet door. She wimpers a little as she hears the thunder outside. She rubs her arms.

 

What would the girl like? To be held by Jesus and cry on His shoulder. I want to see Him so much...

 

I'm not sure how to give Him every pain. If I did I may not trust Him enough and I'll probably still worry...I don't want to hurt Him by those words...I need to know how to stop so much anxiety.

 

I know it's the gospel that matters, not as much my physical safety. I want to be an effective witness...I don't want to say something that will "turn them off" from Jesus...

 

I want to be used for Jesus praise and glory! Arm flapping, adventure loving-all of it I want for His praise and glory! I'd love to be with a brother or sister in Christ. And he/she and I would have a Christian song on. I'd love to clap, jump up and down, flap my arms...and he/she would give praise to Jesus for seeing something like that...a sight that I hope would give Him praise and glory from someone as less as me.

 

It's difficult when my brain wants to say something but communication is showed differently. I don't always say stuff correctly. A signel goes wrong for me or something. For when I'm trying to get my thought across and I can't always say it so I may have a body motion (clapping ex.) or I'll make sounds.

 

Am I human? The obvious answer is yes. It just amazes me to think there's actually people out there who...who treat me like a human being. There's people who care. If I fell off a small hill and broke my leg there's people who would actually care about my wellbeing. They'd actually care about me...

 

Do people normally not try to make another person's life misrable? Like are there people who actually want to see another benefit and not suffer? Like lets say this for example. If I was drowning in the water and was brought out yet I needed CPR. You'd actually care enough to perform CPR on me and not wait for a professional?

 

Please understand I'm used to alot of hateful, mean, uncaring attitudes. It still has me in mental shock to know there's people who actually care. People on here wouldn't trip me, they'd pick me up...

 

Why would anyone care about me? I can understand caring about another person but not caring about me.

 

Why would anyone want to do something nice for someone like me(other than Jesus)?

 

Do I matter as an individual?

 

Excuse me for not comprehending. I'd just really like to know.