I have fear for them...

Is it possible to be mentally/spiritually comotose?

I learned about it in 12th grade nursing (I had to look it up again to make sure I got the exact word though since I haven't been in Nursing for a little over a year). Comotose, a person sits there and just stares. They don't do much because they're in shock. They're not physically in a coma like from a wreck, yet in their mind they're sort of like in a coma. They're physically awake but the shock is too great for them.

If it's possible for the mind to be that numb...you can walk around but the mind is like in shock. If so I'm ether there or on the verge of it.

I walk around. People see smiles(not always though) yet they don't see the pain inside. Pain that has built up over the years. I don't really show expression for grief. That part died a long time ago. I mean it's possible I may show it but it's rare. I used to show emotion. For me though I usually suffer in silence(unless you count telling God/you guys/in journal about it). I remember I bawled my eyes out...

 At age 11,three days after my birthday, I found my orange cat dead on my bed. I loved him so much... I don't remember if it was on that exact day or if it was a progression of days that I cried...but I remember crying.

Years later some other cats died...one of them had her tounge eat out from battery acid...she may still be alive if it wasn't for me. For we went quite awhiles away to go get her. I remember it was on a farm. She wouldn't have ever came here if it wasn't for me...

The animals...I love them to the point of being afraid for their safety. Yet, affection just really isn't there too much, if at all...

Ms. Kitty

Minnie Pearl

Snowey

GeorgieGracie

I'm afraid for them. I'm scared they'll get out and die like other cats...I guess I've hardened my heart....I'm scared they'll die. But, if I don't show love like I did in the past...if something does happen...my heart won't break as easily...I tried playing with Georgie and Snowey today with a fish on a plastic stick dangling from a string. He was funny...she liked it but not as much as Gerogie. :sighs: There's a missing affection though...I guess I'm afraid to get attached...although I already have,especially with Ms. Kitty, who will have lived here since Aug. of 2006 for 6 years this Aug. of 2012 (praise God! For that's a record for any cat being alive that long here...) 

Actually, I remember my heart started to harden back when one of the cats (I think it was when we had to take the black and white cat to the vet)...she died. I think it also hardened back during that early morning when mom was in the kitchen  with our black cat...I was laying down in another room. Yet I remember such a mornful cry...one last cry...If you would have heard it...it would have went right through you.

That was before/around the time of Ms. Kitty though. My heart still was hardeneing more. I remember...too bad I don't have a picture,she was so cute! I remember being on the bed with Ms. Kitty-she was just a kitten. It was when we first got her from her mama (who brought her here). Want to hear that story of how Ms. Kitty came here? It's precious!

Back around the time of July/sometime in Aug. of 06 a pregnant cat kept coming around. She checked out the place. Made sure it was a nice home, food and water. She did it atleast a few times. She kind of puts to mind what Gracie looks like except not as much white on her. Anyways, one day mom heard this little meow. It was Ms. Kitty and her mama coming up the walk way! When she got a little bigger her mama kept hissing at her...I guess she wanted her to live on her own. She was let out...it's what she wanted so much for her child's sake...we haven't seen her for a long time. Sadly, on the 1st day of 8th grade we had to put down Chi-Chi (another Chiwawa except she was blackish and brown)...I remember getting her when I was two years old. She was just a puppy...Maybe someday I'll be able to download a picture to show of her. I remember the bars/cage she had to be behind. That's why I asked for another dog back in 9th grade...who I didn't know was going to be another Chiwawa...it's good because she was in a shelter and now she has a home...I asked because I felt guilty for not caring enough for Chi-Chi...

Anyways, see that blue dog kennel Georgie is laying in(it used to be Chi-Chi's)? I remember being on the bed when Ms. Kitty was just a kitten. She was in the dog house. It was precious! I had more love back than...I have more fear now.

I guess what finally hardened my heart to another level was a cold snowey day in Nov. of 06...when Josh threatened to stab me with a pencil, "You're so dead! I'm going to stab you with this pencil. Just wait until I get you out on the street alone." It's like after all the getting bullied and whatever...it's like it all came out/started to that day...I couldn't hold it in any longer. After that I began to fall into a deep depression. It's a good thing he did do that...from what good that could come out of it...since it helped me find Jesus years later. I don't think I've really ever been the same sence though. They didn't succeed in me killing myself (thank God because I would have went to hell...I didn't have Jesus until years later). But, it did something else to me...it caused some type of trama that's hard to describe. I'm not as bad as I was in 8th grade, yet I still have trust issues. Actually, I've withdrawn into myself alot. I guess that's one way I deal with pain. I don't really show it...I ponder on it but I don't really let others know I'm hurting. If I show a physical reaction, which is really rare, like throwing something out of anger (which I haven't done in a long time-didn't do it a whole lot ether) or crying in front of people (which is really rare as well) than the pain is showing through...

I remember I took Creative Writing for half a semestar in 12th grade (the 1st semestar). I tried writing how I felt...they didn't understand...I could take advantage because it was "Creative Writing" and we got to put alot into it of our own personalities.

:sighs: I think my family, including mom, are like the animals. I'm afraid for them. I'm afraid they'll be/are endanger...I guess that's one reason why I try to be "protective"...try to not say anything because they could go from a bad to a worse situation...I know only God can truly protect them...I'm afraid if I say something it'll endanger them...It's like a fear for both of them, the family and the animals. Events of what's happened to the cats in the past flash in my brain...I remember stories of the danger the WT Society puts families in...what it's done and that it's destroyed so many families, I don't want this family to repeat what's happened to those families..."Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." 

I'm numb. Jesus please hold me...Lord, You know how it feels when the gums have to be numbed with a special cream because of a sore in the mouth...numbness happenes. Well, that's what my mind and spirit feel like right now, numb. Talking about it really does help. It takes away the numbness for a tiny bit of time, like when you wake up and your arm is numb because you slept on it. Yet, rub it and it feels better. Well, talking about it makes it feel a little better.

I'm fragile. I only weigh around 99 or 100 pounds, like around that.  4 foot 11 is how tall I am (nurse who taught me Nursing in 12th grade said I'm not getting any taller). I run funny, not as good as other folks. My body isn't too cordinated when it comes to tumbling (I do a crooked tumble and fall over) or even push ups. If we're going to count imperfections even some of my toes are crooked. Yet, hopefully Jesus will somehow use that for His praise and glory as well...

We could go on about so many imperfections...:sighs: I better stop now. I don't want to get stuck in the sin of self pity.

I want to run to Him...I want to see Him! I want to touch the hem of His garment so I can be healed!

I need help with this fear...I know I tried to give Him so much the other day...the worry just doesn't want to leave.

I'm not good at Bible doctrine like alot of folks...it's possible I could get sucked into believe lies from the JW's as well...

I want to see Him...He actually cares. I want to go to Him who cares....He even cares about a down-cast soul such as myself. I want this pain to go away...they need Jesus.

There's things I can't say right now. And, yet there's things I need to say but can't...