Pain and hurt and tears. Is Jesus mad at me?

Comment

Comment by feet breath on November 2, 2012 at 2:11pm

Wow, that does sound like a good idea. Thanks.

Comment by feet breath on November 2, 2012 at 12:49pm

I think it'd be alot easier to get through this issue if fear wasn't there.

Comment by feet breath on November 2, 2012 at 12:48pm

Sister, I need to ask you a big favor. Please pray He removes this fear barrior. That is what is in the way concerning this issue.

Comment by feet breath on November 1, 2012 at 3:23pm

I mean knowledge wise I know the difference. It's just I don't know it "heart wise". Know what I mean?

 

Sorry if that's an odd term. I know the heart is wicked. I just don't know what other term to use. I'm like the beaten little puppy in the courner that is shaking. It's hard for me to tell the difference.

 

I'd love to just see Jesus...I want to see Him so much. To be held by Him and to cry on His shoulder.

Comment by feet breath on November 1, 2012 at 1:28pm

Thank you. Problem is I don't know the difference too much between chastisement and condemnation...How can you know the difference?

Comment by feet breath on October 30, 2012 at 6:54pm

Hi sister. :hugs for you: Thank God you're here. Praise His Holy Name!

 

Thank you so much sister. You are very precious as well. David showed me this video. Now I want to pass it on, I hope it's a blessing. :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oF5CjtrIl_c

Comment by feet breath on October 30, 2012 at 3:03pm

Hi Mischelle. I know He's not mad now. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. I've been holding so much in for so long. It can't be held in like it used to be. I just don't know how to deal with all of the pain.

 

And when people say nice things about me...I'm so overwelmed and don't know how to handle it. Know what I mean? Thank you everyone who is showing kindness. I feel the love of Christ. I don't know how to react so I feel like crying. I would love to just see a brother/sister in Christ right now and tell them about what's happened. And than start crying. I'd love to do that. I don't want this pain anymore. I just need another person to tell face to face. It'd be wonderful if someone at church started talking to me and asking me how things are going...

 

So much has built up over the years. Pain and sorrow are what I know. My favorite memories are before I got to Mrs. R.'s class. Especially, the memories of my old house. I love thinking about that. I associate that with good and when life was so much happier. I moved when I was 2/3 at the most. I miss my pap pap. He died Oct. 14th 1994. He wasn't my real grandpa but he was like one. Things started going nuts when I was like 4 in a half. 16 years later I'm still hurting from things that happened over the years. I started gathering up hatefulness and bitterness when I was like 4 or 5. I associate pain from Mrs. R.'s class onward. In a 16 year period I've accumulated alot of ugliness. Pain is what I know. I don't hate them now though. I've held so much in for so long. Now I finally get to tell another living soul. I'm ashamed at what I did/was planning to do. Too ashamed to tell my parents right now...I don't want to ever put my parents through that again. I seen mom's face when she realized I was suicidal...they've got alot of stress on them anyways. This would be too much for them too bear.

 

Not only did I take a big risk [disobeyed mom by going in a chatroom] and talk to someone who was probably dangerous....You know how I told you before I didn't comitt suicide because I was afraid of Hell? As I remembered back more I recalled things I forgotton,such as my attempt. Well, it got to a point where I had 3 different plans. I think I was afraid to go to Hell when things were just starting to settle in. It got to a point where I did attempt it. Right now I just can't bear to tell my parents their daughter attempted suicide. I was in 8th grade.

 

I'm not suicidal now. I'm just so overwelmed from everything. Reality has it me in the face and it really hurts. I want to tell someone face to face...

 

Sister, :big Christ like hugs for you: You suffer with similar thoughts? Please know that you're a very precious child of the King. Remember that. He loves you and always will. Nothing can ever sepreate you from His love. You and Amanda and countless others  have been a blessing to me. More than you guys will ever know.

Comment by feet breath on October 29, 2012 at 10:24pm

Thank you friend. Healing takes time. And I can get setbacks and withdraw.

 

I know God doesn't see me that way. It's just hard to reverse my thinking and all of a sudden start thinking positive.

Comment by feet breath on October 29, 2012 at 5:59pm

He's not mad despite I'm afraid?

 

Please pray that He helps me understand. For I have such a hard time understanding how anyone could have compassion on me...I guess my problem is I've locked up yet again,I've withdrawn inside of myself. I have very low self-esteem. As I see myself as one of the lowest human beings on the planet.