OCD, that Funny Thing....

Hello once again my brothers and sisters in Lord Jesus,

I must speak about one of my biggest burdens that have been tormenting me and has obscured even the most simple of truths before my eyes.

I can try to explain it, I am just always hesitant and scared to do so, I worry if it is something really terrible or unforgiveale. If I can think back to when it started, I would think stuff like, "If I do not make it to this level in the next minute, a tornado will come." or "If I do not finish a sentence in the last ten seconds, a tornado would happen." I think that sounds silly, but that has always been the start of it all.

When I lived in Oklahoma, I was terrfied of tornadoes and I had....I guess I can say it was like a compulsion to kinda relieve my stress and fear, I thought it could give me reassurance, which does not really last long, because the need to do it for comfort comes back. Even if I failed, no tornado or severe storm happened, but I still felt I had to do it.

When I moved here and saw these shows like "A Haunting in Conneticut" or "Exorcist", I became more terrified about those things, because they made it seem it can just happen anywhere and to anyone. I started to wonder if such things could actually happen, despite many times I was told that most of that is not true but dramatized. My impulses turned towards such worries, and I only felt guilt and even more fear after feeling that I must do them....I thought if I did not, it would mean I really do not care about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit and that I am actually willing to let evil into my heart....A thought like that made me follow the impulse more, because I thought it was proving that no evil can come into my heart and proved that I forever belong to God.....

Doing that also tested God (which I did not think it was a sin). I have tried to stop and prayed to God to help me, but I continued to follow them, despite my struggle. I think it helped cause my extreme anxiety attack (along with that memory of what the priest said in the "Exorcist" spoof and panicking at the continuious thought that if it actually came from my heart) .

I have been hesitant trying to explain it this much before, because I have always been ashamed and thought it would brand me as doomed, rejected by the Holy Spirit, or forever an evil deceptive person if I told anyone. I prayed and begged for God's forgiveness and to keep Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God himself in my soul and heart no matter what, that I am forever a Christian even if I struggle with intrusive thoughts all day, everyday (It has gotten better with my counseling and medicine, but I want to be sure this is not to be of spiritual concern).


I have told this to my pastor, Christian friends, and many Christian help sites (like GotQuestions.org)....I have stopped my counseling (which was the wrong choice) and I pray to God continuously that my thoughts are merely thoughts and can never change the fact that I belong to Him and His eternal Son, Jesus Christ. I do get these thoughts often, especially when praying and going to my Chruch meetings.

I even fear once when I have finished praying (especially for God to always keep me, to guide my family to the path of rightousness in His eyes, to have the Holy Spirirt always live in me, and for Jesus to always stay with me) I somehow get the idea that my prayer was not of such things, but of the opposite twisted into my head and I panic once more and pray all over again to make sure I am forgiven and that for sure, God will never let go of me.

I do suffer from depression and OCD (which both disorders have been known to cause such intrusive thoughts about religion, so I have studied),

I did recieve what I believe are answers from God (like when I opened my little backpack in my second period class, I found a small book with selected Bible verses and saw on the back that said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you", and I got a letter from a nice lady from a Baptist Church last week that gave me serveral verses of assurence that the Holy Spirit will never leave a Christian)....Still, I worry if my thoughts will cause me to drift from God's hand, something that makes me uncomfortable to no end and is one of my biggest fears. I never want to banish the Holy Spirit, I can not help but feel sick and uneasy at the thought and pray and scream mentally to never let that be possible.

I have continued to feel guilty of my intrusive thoughts and prayed to God to forgive me and take these horrible thoughts away from my mind, never to remember them. I can not help, but feel it is my fault and that I am an ugly, disgusting criminal in the eyes of God, only able to ruin Heaven and the Hands of God that I want to feel grasping around me.

One of my brothers, Graham, has encouraged me to post a blog about this, and I hope I will get more insight about it all....and find more hope in me and the truth that Holy Spirit will NEVER leave me, and Jesus will ALWAYS guide me and love me, and that God will ALWAYS hold me and I can still be His most precious possession forever, even if I falter and sin like any other human and suffer from near constant intrusive thoughts.