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Needing to Confess (Addiction)

Brothers and Sisters...I am in the midst of struggle right now. I have finally admitted that I have an issue with addiction and am needing to move forward through it. Since my accident almost three years ago, I have been taking a single prescribed medication (Tramadol or Ultram, 50mg 2x day) for pain and depression. I have become dependent on it to get me moving in the morning, and to give me motivation to move through the day. I find that my doctor doesn't seem to know or care about what this is doing to me, and my dependency on it forces me to keep my mouth shut on the subject. However, last week I made the decision to break the chain of addiction. I still have not moved forward with this yet, but the recovery plan is in place. I will start with this plan on Monday, and am expecting to be totally useless to myself and the world for about 2 weeks to a month. I don't look forward to going through this, but know it must be done. In preparation for it, I have taken two weeks off from school, since I don't want my grades to suffer as well. I had looked into going to a drug rehab facility as an inpatient for a couple of weeks to detox, but haven't been able to find one in my area that has sliding scale fees (for people like me and millions others who don't have healthcare coverage) and will take me on as an inpatient. I am smart enough to know that even intensive outpatient will never work for me, since it allows me even a grain of freedom.

Sadly, since I can't find a facility to meet my needs, I am most likely stuck with doing this myself at home. I have the support of my husband, mom, and kids, but I also have a very good friend that I must avoid during this time because he contributes to my dependency and addiction. He, like me, self-medicates to ease the discomfort, fatigue, and loneliness. I love him alot, but he drives me crazy most of the time with his excessive self-medication and inability to function, which I abhor. My attempts at self-medication are different than his because he wants to escape and my goal is to be functional, since I know everyone around me needs me to be. And, even though I have my husband's unwavering support, it is mainly verbal and emotional, since he is gone from home working so much. I find this scary, since I know myself well enough to know that I self-sabotage when I am left alone for any extended period.

I am scared for myself. I am an intelligent and rational person, but this is an unreasonable addiction and something I cannot rationalize away. I have fought with depression my whole life, so I know I cannot simply 'change my mind.' Although I realize that God is there for me every step of the way, I am my own worst enemy. I am asking that everyone who reads this say a prayer for me. I realize that prayer alone will not bring me to the place I need to be, but it surely cannot hurt. If anyone has any suggestions or advice for me, I am not averse to hearing it. I cannot guarantee that I haven't heard it or tried it before, or if I will be unwilling to follow it, but there is nothing wrong with trying, right...??

Anyway, this is a big thing for me. Saying this out loud (or typing it, lol...) is a huge step. I know that it is just the first tiny baby step in what will most likely be a lifelong journey for me, but I am committed to this for as long as it takes. I suppose the next step for me would be finding a support group (since I have so few friends [face to face friends, that is...]). I think NA would be a good choice, but don't know if one meets in my area. That will be my next assignment, then....trying to find a group of people who are like-minded and understand my struggles. I know that we have a discussion group here at AAG, but that doesn't quite have the same effect as face-to-face accountability, if you know what I mean....

I thank God for waking me up, and for allowing me to see that I can live my life free of these chains...and pray to Him that he gives me the strength and wisdom to make this change...

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Comment by Susan Mathews on May 16, 2009 at 11:15am: Thank you for thinking of me, Felix. How did you know I had started to wander away like a stray sheep? You are a very perceptive individual, even if you are all the way over there in the beautiful Phillipines...I have been struggling with myself more than ever lately. I have been searching out listings for local NA meetings and have found one at a local Catholic Parish. They are the same parish that I visited when I began looking for a home church, and also where I found a pamphlet for World Wide Marriage Encounters, which Todd and I went to for their weekend retreat. I believe it saved our marriage, and it was a wonderful resource. I don't know why I am surprised that NA also meets there. I have found another home church that I've really enjoyed going to until lately. For some reason I feel distant from them, like they are getting too caught up in the religion and have forgotten that I am flesh and blood. I will try to make it to the first NA meeting at the parish on Thursday of this week @ 6:30 p.m., so say I prayer that I make it and that I remain open to the help they have to offer. Bless you, brother, for all your care and love...

Comment by felixpadua on May 16, 2009 at 6:04am: stay with us here, susan. we understand what you're going through. i cannot do much to help you from where i am but like brother thomas wagner said -i do believe in the power of prayer. so from the lovely country of the philippines -i pray to the heavenly Father to remove your addiction and restore you to good health. God bless you always, and again be careful when you ride your virago.

Comment by Thomas M Wagner on May 15, 2009 at 1:04pm: Admittance is the first step they say. I just came to grips I have an alchohol addiction and I'm on my third sober day. So I am by no means an expert on recovery or recovering from from your type of addiction. I do believe in the power of prayer. Susan I will pray that Jesus removes your addition and restores you. God Bless

Comment by journeyman on May 15, 2009 at 12:25pm: Susan have you ever heard of Narcotics Anonymous? Here is the web address: http://www.na.org/ Please do not try to do this alone.These folks can help you too. I will pray for God's guidance for you Dear Sister. We are not meant to do these things alone. Please reach out to the lord. By all means reach out to NA.
your friend and Brother in Christ,
journeymanhd

Comment by Leonard T on May 15, 2009 at 11:32am: Susan,

My heart goes out to you in your difficult situation. I prayed and will pray for you regarding your addiction. God can help you through, but you must be wiling to take the steps...as you are showing you are willing to do. This does not mean it willl be easy, but lean on him every step of the way and repel the lies of the enemy that will surely come in against you.

Do you have a home church? If not you need to seek one out in your area. I can possibly help with that if you do not have one and are willing to look for one. A good church is a positive support group that we can lean on in tough times.

I encourage you to break off contact with this person that you mentioned as a friend who is a detriment to you. You cannot help him in your current state and he will only be a hindrance to you, a snare around your neck. One of the rules of recovery is that you often have to change associations, for old friends lead us back to old ways. We often want to lead them out, but more often than not, they ensare us and lead us back into the very thing we have sought to escape.

Praying for you,
LT

Needing to Confess (Addiction)

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