My down trodden soul is filled with grief

I'm sorry...my soul is downcasted. I'm sorry for another disheartening blog. :sighs: Forgive me...

I was ok...I'm not now though.

The enemy ups his attacks more than ever...

I'm worried. My parents... I know He's coming soon. Yet, what's going to happen to them...what's going to happen to any of them?

I'm numb....yes guilt has returned.

I'm not strong biblically. If the JW's start "lecturing" me on their "truths"...I know the Bible yet if they start giving me a "lecture" I may end up decieved.

I wonder if He's going to be mad when I see Him face to face...is He mad now?

My faith is so small...

I'm hallow. Please understand this is an internal struggle. I wrestle with the thought of consiquences.

I want to be used by God to help the JW's...The problem is if I talk to mom there's consiquences. It's problematic when there's a risk of them baptizing her and she'll only be allowed around JW's and potential converts. It's hard enough to talk to her but it'll be worse once she'd be fully in that religion. The shunning policy is a stumbling block...

I want to rest in His arms. My spirit is weak/fragile...I'm not a strong person. My mind is pretty much blank right now. I want to describe this struggle it's just so difficult...There's things in life I can't even describe right now.

There's a deep sorrow within. I pray Jesus helps to reveal to you what I'm trying to say for it's just so difficult to put much into words at the moment.

Am I a failure? Will I have accomplished whatever He put me on this earth to do by the time I see Him? Have I made a difference in anyone's life?

Will He be disappointed in me...is He disappointed in me now? I wonder how He could love me....no offence to Him I hope. I just wonder. I know Jesus died for everyone...including me. It's a whole nother thing though to think of Him dieing for me as an individual...I know He did,it's just...

I try to balance the consiquences. What is worse tell her what I believe and risk her going to the JW's and very possibly end up becoming one of them (add to that destroying this family)? Or should I just wait and pray? I haven't got a confirmation from the Holy Spirit on the next "move" except to show love and to trust God. Why do I still have so much guilt residing within me than?

Satan knows my weakness. He knows I have horrible self esteem...he probably gets thrills when one of his attacks happen and he actually does something...

:sighs: I'm not sure much what else to say. I long to see Him though...for this hellish torment within my soul to finally come to an end.

Forgive me if I've upset anyone's day or for any confusion. I know one day I may seem just fine, yet another day I may really put something depressing...Who knows when this rollar coaster ride will change back into joy and not sorrow and pain.