My Amazing Journey part 6.

 So we set up shop in the NICU. Little did we know that our stay would total 110 days. Both babies had patches over their eyes as they were still fused shut. We couldn't have visits til the little ones got settled in. And when we finally could it was only two at a time.

 I remember like it was yesterday when my parents came to see them for the first time. I was proud and excited for this moment. Little did I realize how much of a shock it was for the visitors. We kind of got used to the babies being that small I guess. My dad had to walk out of the room. I went out and sat by him. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong? He said, "I was told they would be little, but my gosh!!" I could tell he was scared. I told him, "dad, they are perfect. Just give them a chance." Now my dad is a tough ol bird. He doesn't very often show that type of emotion. It felt a little weird that I was comforting him when he was always the one comforting me.

 The hardest part was that we couldn't hold the boys. I know for Lynn that made her sad. All we could do was look at them in their little bubble.

As the days went by for some reason I always spent the majority of my time at Sean's isolette. Sure he was closer to the door, but I just had the feeling that he needed extra love and attention. Even though he was only 2 ounces lighter Sawyer looked like a giant next to him. I remember hardly giving Sawyer attention, like I somehow knew that he would always be alright.

 Sean was having a rough go of it. His delivery was hard on his little body. Everyday was like a rollercoaster. They would fix one thing and then something else would come up. The doctors were always even keel with their emotions. But I could sense more towards the not so good side.

 I don't want to go into how hard those 8 days were with Sean. The doctors did everything they could. The fact that he lasted as long as he did was a miracle in itself.

I was coming off of nights and was in a deep sleep when I frantically was woken. It was Lynn. It took me quite a while to come to my senses. She got word that Sean had turned for the worst. We rushed over to the hospital and talked to the doctors. Sean had bleeding on his brain. We were faced with making a decision. He would not be able to live a normal life. Never walk, never talk, never show emotion if he were to remain alive. Our other option was to abbort.

 We were led to the chapel to talk it over and pray. The only words that were said to eachother were, "I can't do this."

 That is when I talked to God. I just prayed so hard!! I pleaded with God to please take this decision out of our hands. Please spare him. I never once said, "why us?" I put all my trust into our Lord (and this was still before I found my faith) I was just shaking like a leaf, totally defeated. Then the doctor came in. There was nothing that they could do. He now had total bleeding of the brain. God spared us. Even though we just lost our son. I thanked him.

 They brought Sean to us so we could finally hold him. They removed all the tubes and devices. We were also able to see his face for the first time. I remember how cute his nose was. He looked so different from Sawyer.

 I love that little boy with all my heart. Lynn and I came to the conclussion that Sean had to give all his good parts to Sawyer in order for him to survive. And to this day that is what we will always believe. The fact that he was able to spend 8 days with us was a blessing. I can't wait til I get to heaven and have him run into my arms. I know he is happy where he is, and God is taking great care of him. No tubes, beautiful blue eyes that can see, he can walk, talk, and love. And I could never be any more proud!!!

 to be continued.......