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More info on me..
Not really sure where to start on this so it may be scattered.. I was in therapy for PTSD, and depression most of my life.. I haven't seen anyone in almost 8 years now... I'm tryin to handle things on my own, instead of relying on an anti-depressant.. My past is much like most people's.. My parent's divorced when I was less than 10 years old.. I spent my childhood growing up in 2 seperate households... Which I think is where my personality issues come from.. My mom's family was super close and religous.. My father's side was not so close, and well to do ... Granted I never really favored 0ne side over the other. I started isolating myself at that age.. I'd visit my father and spend most of my visit in my room or listening to classic rock..
As I grew up and still attended church, I noticed that I really didn't fit in with the church.. My thinking was often frowned upon, or called dark.. I can't really help it.. that's just how I think.. I tried making friends, I did make friends with a few older guys in the youth group only later to find out that they were into heavy metal and not really there for the obvious reasons.. So in order to stop the feelings of not fitting in.. I just stopped going, and found clubs in school to attend.. So the isolation continued.. In High school, I took up an interest in punk / goth music and the lifestyles... I never really was full out goth till I hit college.. Which really was going out the the club on the weekend with like minded friends.. Just to dance, and be semi-social..
During college, I met someone online, and I ended up getting engaged to him.. He was a self proclaimed pagan, and during that time he never asked me not to go to church, or not to read the bible.. But during the realationship, I felt that it wasn't right, and that I needed to go to church... So I found a little baptist church and tried to go back, once again I found that I didn't fit in .. And that hymns in general had ( and still do ) had a odd efffect on me.. To this day I cannot hear hymns .. I break down and cry for no apparent reason I just start crying..
So at the end of that relationship,I moved back in with my mother, and she made me go to church every sunday, and pushed that I get involved with her church.. I don't know if it's just my personality differance with my mother, but if she wants me to do anything with her church I don't want to go.. Which brings me to the issues with her.. She was always a control freak over me.. As far as going through my stuff when I wasnt home, controling what I wore, bought, listenend to.. ect.. I'm grateful I was raised in the church when I was younger, but I feel that I got massively confused in the public school system.. I was tourmented for being different, I had no idea what people were talking about, I had no idea of mainstream society..
So basically I've shut out the world, any situation that makes me uncomfortable, I run.. With my husand and I, I've just wanted to back up and leave soo many times.. He's a recovering alcoholic, and I am the second wife.. There are issues with us, due to age, he is 20 years my elder, and there is minimum communication.. I find it easer just to turn on warcraft, and tune my life out.. But I'm just so tired of feeling empty, I stopped drawing years ago, I used to love to paint, write, sing... and I've totally lost interest in it.. I dunno if they were taken, or I am just so lost I don't know who I am anymore..
Ok... Enough emo for one day.. XD
As I grew up and still attended church, I noticed that I really didn't fit in with the church.. My thinking was often frowned upon, or called dark.. I can't really help it.. that's just how I think.. I tried making friends, I did make friends with a few older guys in the youth group only later to find out that they were into heavy metal and not really there for the obvious reasons.. So in order to stop the feelings of not fitting in.. I just stopped going, and found clubs in school to attend.. So the isolation continued.. In High school, I took up an interest in punk / goth music and the lifestyles... I never really was full out goth till I hit college.. Which really was going out the the club on the weekend with like minded friends.. Just to dance, and be semi-social..
During college, I met someone online, and I ended up getting engaged to him.. He was a self proclaimed pagan, and during that time he never asked me not to go to church, or not to read the bible.. But during the realationship, I felt that it wasn't right, and that I needed to go to church... So I found a little baptist church and tried to go back, once again I found that I didn't fit in .. And that hymns in general had ( and still do ) had a odd efffect on me.. To this day I cannot hear hymns .. I break down and cry for no apparent reason I just start crying..
So at the end of that relationship,I moved back in with my mother, and she made me go to church every sunday, and pushed that I get involved with her church.. I don't know if it's just my personality differance with my mother, but if she wants me to do anything with her church I don't want to go.. Which brings me to the issues with her.. She was always a control freak over me.. As far as going through my stuff when I wasnt home, controling what I wore, bought, listenend to.. ect.. I'm grateful I was raised in the church when I was younger, but I feel that I got massively confused in the public school system.. I was tourmented for being different, I had no idea what people were talking about, I had no idea of mainstream society..
So basically I've shut out the world, any situation that makes me uncomfortable, I run.. With my husand and I, I've just wanted to back up and leave soo many times.. He's a recovering alcoholic, and I am the second wife.. There are issues with us, due to age, he is 20 years my elder, and there is minimum communication.. I find it easer just to turn on warcraft, and tune my life out.. But I'm just so tired of feeling empty, I stopped drawing years ago, I used to love to paint, write, sing... and I've totally lost interest in it.. I dunno if they were taken, or I am just so lost I don't know who I am anymore..
Ok... Enough emo for one day.. XD
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Comment
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Comment by Leonard T on October 8, 2010 at 12:06pm
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Jessica,
You may have shut out the world, but there is one who stands at the door and knocks.
Rev. 3:20: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
If you have a Bible I encourage you to spend some time readingtwo books for encouragement. Read Colossians and 1 John. Pay close attention to the love and grace of God. Jesus loves you!!!
Lord Bless,
LT
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