MILITUM XPISTI-FAITH IS NOT A FEELING

Writing my way into an intimate relationship with God.

After more than 20 years of writing I have discovered some really self-disclosing information about myself and my relationship with God. It’s kind of the opposite of the CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters,

screwtape letters.jpg with a KARIN TWIST. It’s me and all my daemons begging for God to answer (at that time any God! that would fix me!) waiting and searching for an answer. AA SAID PRAY!

With the exclusions of “diary’s and young teenage journals I was taught to write in letter form. Twenty four years ago I became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and still couldn’t concentrate for more than 20 seconds
flat in “formal praying”. I said I didn’t know what to say or who to say it to anyway. The idea of a “God to my understanding” quickly formed into a god of my
convenience.

I was scared and desperate

The best help and direction I got was from a sweet a dear woman who shared this: SOLUTION TO MY DILEMMA ... Write questions [somewhat revised from a faulty memory]. The basics were this, to

start writing letters to “MY Father,” whom I never met and ask and tell him everything.I We had never met each other personally but write and state everything about ourselves. His letters would be in the form of the bible -mine in the form of a journal.
The only difference in THIS FATHER and my real father (who had passed many
years earlier) was that this Father was PERFECT, LOVING, HONEST EVEN IF I DIDN”T
WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH, AND TO REMEMBER THAT HE WOULD NOT ALWAYS REPLY WHEN I WANTED HIM TO BUT HE WOULDS NEVER FORSAKE ME AND WOULD ALWAYS REPLY IN HIS TIME.

I was 30 years old around then and still have all those journals. First, they started with to do lists, morning
meditations and nothing of real significance. Then as I look back I see huge
gaps where I don’t tell the worst parts of what I’m feeling, doing, or acting: almost
like Adam and Eve in the Garden hiding from God, ridiculous, but shame does
that to you.

Now I’m ready, good and bad, to tell the truth because I found out the most amazing thing. For too long I
believed that by repeating the same mistakes over and over that God would give
up on me …like the is a QUOTA There is no quota, on mercy and grace. I have
learned that God’s love for us IS so huge that even when we are suffering with “unmoved
thorns- I call them Paul’s thorns. That HE THEM AND US AND LOVES US and uses us
for HIS GLORY.

ON Mother's Day 2010 I started a blog called , littlemeBigGod- Living out loud. I hope it touches you.please come visi

IF HE CAME FOR THE SICK HE’s NOT LEAVING US BEHIND! i'M COUNTING ON IT!