life, love-what is the meaning?

I'm wondering what it's like...

What is love? What is life?

I can understand love intulectily, mind wise, from The Holy Spirit letting helping me with 1 Corinth. 13.

But, love. What is like to have it more than just mind wise? To know a person cares...what's it like to know a person cares for you as an individual?

What is life? I see so much pain in life, personal and those around me.

It'd be nice to know what it's like not to be scared of being judged by another person. For people not to think I'm nuts...

To be allowed to do my clapping thing and arm waving thing. To know a person is enjoying your company just by being yourself and not judging by hairstyles, clothes or whatever. If only people were as non-judgemental as those from special ed.

I want Jesus to get the praise and glory for my hand clapping and arm waving. If I'm listening to a nice Christian song about Him I may get excited. I may jump up and down, wave my arms and clap. Alot of people would judge that...

I'm just having a good time while enjoying something that talks about Jesus in a positive way. There's no sence in people judging that. One song in perticular that's gotton me excited is Paul Wilbur's Days of Elijah. He was on Zola Levitt and sung some of the song. I recorded it by DVR. If I see the person on t.v singing now that's what helps me get excited. It's like Paul is fellowshipping right in the house with me.

I know people if they knew how often I listen to the same songs, they'd get annoyed. I like repeating songs like El Shaddi and Thy Word from Amy Grant. Randy Travis is also a great Christian singer! Especially, his song "If You Only Knew".

To not feel threatened just by going into a restroom. To see true peace on those I know, to see it on their faces.

To be able to talk about Jesus without the discussion possibly coming up how "He's not God, how could anyone believe such a thing?" Or hearing someone say "Jesus is Satan's brother"...that gives me the chills or that He's "Michael the Archangel..."

I don't believe that stuff...I'd love for them to find the truth though.

The Holy Spirit is helping me not be as scared of planes...He's helping me. He's helping me...dispite I still have problems. For I have a weird obsession...I check my weight in the mirror way too often...

I know I have to be satisfied with how I look. And, that the outside appearnce isn't importent, it's what's inside that counts. I checked my BMI online and it says I'm normal...alot of people want to loose weight, I'd like to gain atleast 10 pounds. We've got enough food, I eat at odd times though.... I guess stress gets a person, atleast form me, not to think about food as much although in the past it's been the opospite at times. The thing is if I gained 10 pounds I'd think I would be fat. I know Jesus doesn't want me to think about such things, to be happy since I'm at a healthy weight for my size.

Yesterday, I researched stuff about Ann Frank (I've really been interested in stuff dealing with the holocaust since I took Nazi Germany class in 11th grade). It's weird....I see her picture I see myself. I see an older, Ann Frank but this time italian (I have other nationalities italian just sticks out that and Cherokee cheek bones) instead of dutch/jewish.

If my hair was more poofed up, shorter and I didn't have glasses we'd look similar. We both have similar hair.

Her sister Margoret died 1945 on my birthday (I of course wasn't born yet). Ann died a few days later (on my friend's birthday).

Excuse me for the odd topic. I just spout off info. and facts from topics that are interesting. I take interest in few topics, but ever since 11th grade I've taken an interest in the holocaust. It's like studying the mindset of a person. How could people be so full of hatered? I study people. I don't talk as much about "regular things" though.

Speaking of the holocaust. I've often wondered if I've had relatives, since I'm german and italian.On ether side...It goes through my mind if one of my relatives were so cruel...or if one of them was a disabled german and got killed. What's italian have to do with it? Well, my great grandma moved over here from Italy before it begun. I've wondered if they would have done it to her since they had atleast one camp in Italy...I wonder about the relatives who stayed in Italy. I know there was people who helped out jews over in Italy, I wonder if she would have.

Don't get me wrong, dispite being a little german, I love the jewish people. I've just wondered about that stuff before. It's odd how there's connections with history. I didn't ask to be any nationality yet God still knew what He was doing. I've thought about my ansestors. Like what did my Cherokee ansestors go through on the trail or tears? Did they know Jesus? (alot of Cherokees were Christian).

I know I likely have autism, I'm this size and have these nationalities for a reason. God has a plan, He let it all happen for a reason.

Anyways, back to how I can go on and on about things and not talking always as much about "regular things". I apoloijize for getting off of topic. Yesterday, the JW (the elder's wife and her friend) showed up. I don't know what to say so I bring up the subject about Ann and how she died. I had to try other topic/s to try to get them distracted from their little "talk". I don't want mom to become a JW...she needs Jesus so much.

If you heard me talk I'd ramble probably about the same stuff. It's not like I have alot of control. I talk and my brain says stop talking but my mouth just continues to talk.

It helps to be able to talk to people about this stuff.

It's nice to actually have friends. The love I've gotton from brothers and sisters in Christ...I really do see Jesus in the brothern.