Letter to God - October 12, 2011

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am struggling.  I don’t feel good and this cold seems to be getting the best of me which fogs my mind so I know that’s part of this.  I am so afraid inside right now.  I’m afraid to try to make my marriage work and afraid not to.  I don’t want to go through a divorce but I can’t go on the way it was.  I am realizing how much I run.  I met with my counselor today and I feel like I have even more questions than answers because I feel like I’m so lost.  I am trying so hard to stand still.  Lord, I truly do believe my home is from you and I truly do believe I was supposed to go to church and pray with my Tim (husband).  But then, I am seeing how I don’t set firm boundaries and it can send mixed messages to Tim because I say something and then I renege on it.  I don’t even follow my own boundaries.  I’m angry with myself because of the wishy washy stuff.  I keep thinking about what it says in James about letting your yes be yes and your no be no.  I am so used to being pressed that I don’t know how to stand still on a boundary.  I don’t know how to say no and keep my no, no or my yes, yes.  I guess what I’m realizing is how hard this
journey is going to be because I’m so afraid.  I’m angry too.  I’m angry because I feel so lost and I don’t know what I am doing.  I’m trying Lord.  I really am!  I am reading your word and I pray Father that you will help me to see your way, and not mine.  I am so very broken inside and part of me wants to shut down and literally run away, giving up my job, my life, etc. but then I know I’ll be there and you’ll be there so then, I think I’ll continue walking through this. Help me Father.  I pray I hear your voice and you calm my anxious heart. I feel like I have failed so much and that’s all I continue to do.  I know it’s not the truth but I’m worn out
Lord.  Please renew my strength.

Your child,

Marilyn