It is hard not to be sad

This week did not start out so great or so I thought I was feeling a little sad after seeing my husband sense I asked him to leave. He seemed so cold and almost as if he did not care that our marriage would soon be over on paper. At first when he received the papers he was upset and angry but I guess once he got a chance for it to really sink in he just does not care. That just made me feel even surer that what I have done we no longer had a marriage we did not have a home any more.  Just as I said to my friend the man that I married 13 years ago died last year. Because this man who is passing himself as my husband and father of my children is not the same man, this man is not the man who I loved and loves his family. He just is not the same man this man does not care for anyone but himself and his happiness and his needs. I know now that even if I do get sad form time to time it is normal because when you mourn the death a loved one you are sad and you may cry from time to time and that is for who I cry. I am not crying for the man who I asked to leave my home or the man who tried to devise me while he busy living two lives. This man is an imposter passing himself off as my husband and father of my children. I have come to realize now that for the past year I have been living a with a stranger not with the man that I fell in love with so long ago a man who would have never would have chosen to leave his family just so that he could relive his lost childhood.  It so painful to see my children especially my youngest have to beg her dad to see her. He just won’t do it out of his own free will. Sometimes I dream that I have the means to just take my children and really start over a new life away from him and his crazy life.  That my children and I really start over a new live free of having to beg for someone who should love them unconditionally to love them and want to spend time with them bonding as children should with their father but then I wake up and I find myself in this nightmare of my life an unfortunately my only ones that have be suffering the most have been my children most of all my youngest. She does not know why her daddy the man that she loves has now no time for her, the boys may have seem to come to terms with what is happening to us but they may not. Both of my boys are special needs children and coming to terms with something as big as their dad and I divorcing and no longer being a family is something that they just do not get nor understand. My oldest has Asperger’s Syndrome otherwise none as High Functioning Autism. So for him this is just too much to handle he believes that if we should all just live together as a family no matter what. To him it is very hard to accept that fact that having their dad around was just hurting me more and that in the long run I was hurting them.  By me always being on edge and blowing up each time that they did not clean up or if they made a mess just because I might feel sad or upset because their father had just done something very hurtful to me, know that by keep their dad around just so that they would not lose their dad was just hurting me more and I was fooling myself in believing that he would love us once more. But now that he and that woman will be having a child even if he did want to be part of this family he would not be because he would now have to keep the relationship with that woman for that child is what now bonds them more. And I know that my children bond me to him but he just does not see it that way to him we do not matter and we do not count in his life and that is what makes me even sadder. But I know that God is so great that he will only allow so much pain to happen before all the happiness that we deserve will come our way. I just have to remained faithful to my Lord God and keep his commandments.