I was the guy women hated

So to understand why I do the things I do, I just have to look at why I do them. My entire life has been filled with motivations of the devil. Like I said in my previous blog, I have been afraid of Gods plan for a long time, not trusting him to fulfill my need for happiness. Now im not saying that I didnt think God could give me happiness, but it wasnt the happiness I wanted. I have always wanted to be rich, have nice things, date a lot of women, and be glorified by everyone who saw me. The only difference between me and my goals was my personality. I was scared to talk to women, and I was scared of pursuing a life outside of my comfort zone where riches were available. I began to change in small ways, learning to charm, learning to speak with munipulation, and I created lies around me to make my dreams come true. My moral compass began to wilt under sin and munipulation. I became skilled at learning of womens insecurities, and I was able to offer comfort where they felt the most ashamed. It didnt take long to realize what I was doing was wrong, and looking back, it wasnt just the success of the hunt, it was the need for human love and care. I was fooling these women to fall for a man that was hollow and a liar. So I tried creating bounderies and began to help women see men like me coming. Unfortunatly, the Devil made it seem to these women and to myself that I was the good guy, and women started to appreciate me in ways they shouldnt, and I messed up and used that to my advantage. I felt terrible about it, but my moral compass was so off, that things that used to be wrong in my eyes were happening without so much as tear or even a my bad expression.

Now, I have been in love before, and man was it awesome. I loved this girl named Nikki, the moment I layed my eyes on her, and even though 5 years have passed, I can still remember every detail of our relationship, and I believe that If I hadnt of put her before God, we would still be together today. I am over it though, and have moved on much like she has, but I still remember feeling what it was like to be in love, and to have someone you love with all your heart, love you right back. That feeling is also why I have been in pursuit of another women since. If I could have 1 billion dollars now, or be in love with one person that loves me back and never loses her loyalty for me, I would take love without realizing what was on the other side of the deal.

So, to further my pursiut of God and his wisdom, I have chosen to stop having sex, or sexual relations of any kind until I am with that person who I intend to marry. For my sake, I hope its close lol. Now I know this road is hard, because I still want to date, not have sex, but just date, and the its hard to keep myself out of a tempting situation. And for anyone who keeps their virginity close, congrats, and glory be to God for your strength. I hope that within my mission for a better life, God will renew my sense of purpose and restore what I lost in my history of sin, and maybe, just maybe, the love of my life will find me, and we will spend the rest of our lives bringing each other closer to God, thus creating a steal bond within our companionship.

PS. I am not proud of who I was or who I still might be inside, but those things, those actions, those decisions are what made me who I am today, and if nothing else, I have a greater wisdom for what not to do, so that I may avoid it, and teach other men like me how to avoid it. I know I might sound like a horrible human being, and thats fair, because I felt like that too when I was involved with it, but I also understand that I can change through God to be better, and to make my wrongs become rights.

Thanks for reading

God Bless everyone

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