I want to move on

Ok, I'm tired of so much...I don't want to think about dead cats, chat rooms, fear of restrooms...I want to move on.

There's so much in life that surrounds a person.

Satan puts so much fear into a person and negativity

"You may go blind"

"You're useless"

"Why were you ever even born"

"I wish you were dead"

"You're never going to see properly again"

"You're too autistic to help"

"You may go blind and eventually not be able to talk right. After all you've stuttered before and one time you couldn't really say much except a few words"

and on and on it can go. He wispers little things and eventually a person thinks he/she is thinking those thoughts.

I want the Good Shephard, as His little sheep I want to finally rest. I want all of this turmoil to go away...the thoughts of one day being able to talk, next day have some trouble...bad thoughts of loosing my sight. Than there's the JW, remembering the dead cats because the neightbor lives right next door...so much.

I want my heart to get healed. I want all the pain to go away. I want solitude...a dark room, a quite place with God, the birds and some trees....to be able to talk to Him in His creation and not around so much materialism. To be able to think about Him, to talk to Him with distraction...

I guess that's why I don't like getting out of bed in the morning. For you see it's wonderful to just lay down in a dark yet a little lighted room and talk to God. My brain can't be distracted by too much for the only thing pretty much seen is ceiling.

:sighs: I don't want to sound selfish...

You know how the whole block could be loosing their homes, right? That seems like perfect opurtunity, if we do ever have to leave to have a new start. I just don't want to sound selfish...there's other familes on this block. Little kids, old people...:sighs: I don't want to be selfish. It's all very overwelming right now. Please pray ever unsaved soul on this block finds Jesus....

I want to move on. I don't want to see this street or...I don't want reminded of my past. I want to try to forget, to block it out...I'm still haunted by so much.

I want to live a normal life...I'm tired of seeing...knowing there's unsaved family members. If I say one wrong thing than that could make things worse. I know the Holy Spirit is reminding me of 2 Corinthians 12:9, He likes telling me that verse...I hear it from Him frequently. I have issues of self pity, don't like myself...if any of it is pride please pray God reveals it because I want to repent if there's any unrepentent pride.

I know He wants me to Proverbs 3:5-6...the Holy Spirit wants me to trust Jesus...I know that.

There's so much that's piled up on my soul...and it's finally revealing itself. I've ignored stuff for so long, i've hardened my heart...the problems haven't went away. I need to give my problems to God...How can I give problems when there's so many problems I don't even know how many there are? I've searched myself and secret problems, like secret fears, have been shown in the life.

Fear is the problem. That's why it's difficult to have faith. I've got more fear inside me that you don't even know...I've had so many fears I've been able to list them out (it came to atleast around 20). For ex. I'm terified a plane is going to crash one of these days...I'm scared of bees as well (I can't stand the sound they make ether).

I want to go up in the rapture...I want to go home and be with Jesus. I'm afraid I'll miss the rapture. I know the Holy Spirit is telling me to trust Him to repent and be rapture worthy...I don't want to be here when you guys and girls go...I want to go whenever Jesus says come up hither.

Honestly, I've hidden physical, mental and spiritual things away, deep down for the most part.

You know what I want to see Jesus! What am I that He could love me? Yet He still does despite so many mistakes, by His grace. My little brain can't comprehend His love...that's how wonderful He is.

He is with us. When we're afraid, when we're crying, when He sees inside we're hurting.

I think the Holy Spirit is telling me 2 Corinthians 12:9 again...It's essential to trust Jesus. Yep, 2 Corinthins 12:9...it's frustrating when I want to say something but can't always. I make noises at times when I can't say how I'm feeling. Or I'll flap my arms or wave them or something...Jesus knows all of the moves.Yet, He's telling me to trust Him. I talk, I just sometimes use sounds and body gestures when my brain can't verbally get the words right. I know I have to trust Him...the Holy Spirit has made that clear...

I guess I'm scared to trust Him if that even makes any sence...it's all so overwelming. I want to be held by my Shephard...I want to talk to people about Jesus without getting told I'm wrong and I end up getting tounge twisted. I want to freely express myself, how happy I can get because of Jesus. Even if that means jumping up and down waving my arms in excitement...without being judged.

I hope that someday He will use me...dispite I'm of the lesser in society...I hope He will use me for a good purpose, His own special reasoning. Like the boy who was really small on a movie in nursing last year. He knew God would use him for a better purpose...and He did. For God used his small size to help some kids because the bus was in the water and they would have drowned. He died, but God used him.

I hope God can use me for a very special purpose one day as well. I know I'm not like others. I'm very short (4 foot 11, in nursing last year I was told I'm not getting any bigger)..in 7th grade I think I was 4 foot 9. So, from 7th grade to 12th I would grown noymore than 2 inches for my height. I'm small in weight, only like around 100. My speech isn't that great. But, you know what the Holy Spirit is right, 2 Corinthians 12:9...and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

Do you think He's mad at me? I'm so imperfect....I know that's what grace is for...He knows how imperfect I am...yet the Holy Spirit is the one who helps us repent, we just need to trust Him...