I've grown more numb than before

Honestly, I was numb. But, now pain has dug a deeper hole in my soul...in my heart. I'm beyond numb now.

I don't want to hold a grudge against the neighbor. I keep getting flashbacks...those flashbacks reproduce a fear that it'll happen again. And, if she had it her way every cat in this house and any that come near her property would have a stomach full of posion. With that knowledge comes fear...

The enemy has attacked before, he's uped his attacks...

My parents...this family is endangered. Yet, if I say anything they'll be in even more trouble. Yet if nothing is said...

I thought I knew what God wanted me to do, or atleast an idea...I don't even know now.

How can I improve my relationship with Him when my brain doesn't really comprehend words in a book like the Bible? I understand certain books but mainly my comprehension isn't great for the Bible's wording....I understand things by music and visual aid.

I don't trust Him enough...have mercy sweet Jesus,have mercy! Oh, me of little faith...

I can't stand to see them destroy themselves...I'm waiting for the rapture. I can't wait to go Home...to finally be with Jesus.

So, much has come at me at once. It's so much to bear. The pain hurts even more. Listening to songs like Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever Amen" helps me...

I've grown so numb...I want to rest in His arms. I want this torment that is deep within my soul to end. To see His face, to cry on His shoulder and to be told "I understand, child....I love you."

My stupid self...there's a rage within me right now. Guilt, anger,confusion,anxiety,frustration, pain...I know what happens to people who join. Yet, I'm so helpless...I want to see Him and to release to Him my tears upon His caring shoulder...

Has so much happened in my life that I'm dieing inside or what is it? What's going on...It's hard to actually remember a day in my life ever since I was really little that was actually normal...things were good when I was like around 3 or 4. After that...it seems like ever since I was in Mrs. R.'s class...that's when my life stopped being normal.

I miss my old home yet I'm eager for my new Home....I moved when I was like 2 or 3. In my old home so many people were still living. So, much hadn't happened yet. I actually, as far as I know, was happy. No dead cats (although we had a really nasty neighbor in a big yellow dress who liked to yell out her front door), and mom had  lost contact with the JW's for possibly atleast a few years...I'm eager for my new Home because...

Do you think after the rapture Jesus will let us have a nice big cry? Possibly to be held by Him and cry on His shoulder...