I'm tired of this. I feel like crying

I'm tired of being afraid to tell my parents my testimony.

I just don't know what to do. I remember how upset mom was when I told her I was suicidal when I was in 8th grade. That's one reason why I've been afraid to tell my testimony. I'd have to tell my parents I wanted to commit suicide. I'd be even worse if they some how found out I tried to atleast one time in 8th grade.

Ok,I'm going to be honest here. My parents barely know me. I've been keeping things from them since I was no older than 3. I'm now 21 in a half years old. I've had trouble expressing fear and pain to them. They never knew I had that problem. I remember being three years old and laying in between my parents. I'm pretty sure they were sleeping. I remember being so terrified of that Halloween prop [it was a witch]. I thought I seen it come in the door way. I still remember that flashback of thinking it was standing in the doorway. I had nightmares of it for years. Even as an adult I've had atleast a few nightmares of it.

How do I start talking to my parents after all these years? I still have trouble. There is so much I haven't told them just because I haven't been able to express it in words.

It was too hard to express my fear to my parents though. Well,18 years later I still have trouble expressing fear and pain. I have trouble expressing myself so I instead make sounds like this child http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBlJfoqs0AA I do that all of the time.

I can talk it's just the expressing part. If it's on a topic I'm passionate about I can talk and talk. And even if my brain says stop my mouth won't be quiet. I'm passionate about very few things. I love talking about Jesus it's just so hard when you don't have others around you who believe in the true Jesus. I'm interested in medical topics and stuff on WW2/ learning the German language [Hebrew is fun but I've only learned to say a little bit of words]. No,I'm not a Nazi. I support Israel and the Jewish people. I just find that time period interesting. How one man could have so much control baffels me. And looking at the people in the camps,I feel bad for them. I know most have already died,I just feel bad for what they went through. I've been interested since I took Nazi Germany class in 11th grade. They taught us about what happened in the Holocaust and other things during that time period. I think every school should have a class to teach about the Holocaust. That way their memory isn't forgotton with this generation. Anti-Semitism is on the rise. The youth needs to know the truth and not get taught anti semetic beliefs.

A Jewish Holocaust survivor and his wife [she survived too the Holocaust] visited our school. She only spoke a few words though. Between that class and listening to her husband speak, that changed how I viewed life.

 I'm interested in WW1 when it comes to Snoopy in his flying ace going after the Red Baron. :0) That fascinates me to think how he pretends to face off someone who was an actual person. I like how his plane spins. I like stuff that spins. Like I really like Taz when he spins [Looney Tunes]. He is so funny. The only one funnier than him is his wife. Than comes the Roadrunner. Those are my top three favorites. :-)

I really want to talk to others about Jesus. It is just so hard when the subject doesn't get brought up [I have great difficulty bringing up a subject] and I don't know how to talk about Him when they are thinking of another [a false] Jesus. That gets so confusing.

I know His strength is made perfect in weakness...I just feel like I want to cry. I want to see my God and Savior. I want to cry on His shoulder and get a big hug.

I know I have issues.

I have coordination problems. That is why I can't ride a bike. My muscles in my legs lock up and I can't work out the pedals properly. I risk riding the bike out in traffic. I can't swim. I can't even open a can of soup. My hands aren't strong enough. I just break the tab off.

I have hearing problems. While I have very good hearing I have at times [especially in music] not heard what was said correctly. And I can't stand anything too loud,like yelling [I can't tell the difference between that and talking loud]. If it gets too loud I have to cover my ears.

I have reading problems. My reading level is lower than those my age. I have trouble comprehending words when it gets too complicated. My reading span can only last so long. I learn best visually,hands on and with music. While I don't always hear words correctly music can help me,like this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I

Amazing Grace indeed.

I have trouble in public places. This is what life is like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Paf82OiEoqg if I went some place without another person. Honestly, it can still get that way even when I'm with someone though.Thankfully I ether go with dad to the store or both my parents to a store. I can be alone in a store while they shop in another part of the place.

I have trouble expressing myself so I do it with body language at times. Arm flapping an jumping up and down are examples. A long with that I can't stand to look at people in the eyes.

I feel like crying. I want to see my God,my Savior. I want to be held by Him and told it's going to be ok. I want to know what it is like to feel Jesus' arms wrapped around me in a big hug and told things are going to work out.