I'm numb right now...

Comment

Comment by feet breath on May 21, 2012 at 5:42am

Wow, I'm sorry. I read how many times I said "Sister". I hope my repeating the term wasn't annoying.

Comment by feet breath on May 21, 2012 at 5:41am

Sister, I'm so sorry for what's happened :hugs: Precious sister you're not crazy. Sister, here's something I hope that helps

 

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php

 

Sister, you will see your baby again. A matter a fact a have a little devotion book that's called "Today,GOD Wants You to Know...."on day 19 today it talks how there's no tears in heaven. How dispite there's troubles in this life there will be no sorrow in heaven (not exact word for word).

 

You know what Jesus is probably holding your little guy in His arms right now smiling down at you, what do you think? :o)

 

I know I can't comprehend everything that's happened to you, but there's someone who does. And that is Jesus. I ask Him to be with you today and Make Heb. 13:5-6 known to you. I can do this though, here sis :hugs:

 

Yeah, the ladder story sounds like my life.

Comment by winter mckinney on May 20, 2012 at 10:40pm

Feetbreeze,

Way back some years ago, my husband at the time had left for the military one week before I had my little girl. I remember I was so stubborn back then and had to do everything myself, so I made a ladder to shovel off my roof. I used summer tires, boards, and anything I could find to stack and climb on. When I was almost done shoveling, I thought to myself. What have I done? Ive gotten myself up here and can't get down with this belly. So stupid, stubborn me decided to jump down into the snowbank I had just created. I only was 136lbs and very active but I realized when I had her 3 days later that jumping could have really hurt my baby. I think that might be how God feels sometimes. He knows where we are supposed to be, but we go making ladders and climbing up higher and higher, until we realize what we've done and are tempted to jump.We think what is the point, life isn't fair or I've messed up to bad this time for God to forgive me.

Back to my story-there is a point.

Later when my husband got home (six months later) I felt really alone. He went back to being abusive and hurting me in every way.  I had left and come back so many times believing him when he said he had changed. The church didn't help me because he was the ministers nephew after all, and according to them, who God had chosen for me. My family didn't help because they themselves abused me. (Like I needed that right? especially from adoptive parents who were supposed to be different from the ones I was taken from) They used the Bible and twisted it for everything they did, and being married to my first love and the father of my child I wanted to do all I could do to make our marriage better. I did all the right things but it never helped, and growing up in abuse of every kind I was easily convinced it was my fault. I then got pregnant again and lost my little baby boy at 5 months. He kicked me in the back for cooking his eggs wrong and I had to drive myself to the hospital. I went through so many things that night and next day that I will never forget September 23 ever again! I only hope to see my little boy one day in heaven. To make matters worse I found out 3 wks later I had a very bad heart condition called hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy. I had to have an implanted defib/pacer and thought wow. God is there anything else? Do you even love me at all?

I started having anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes they would go on forever. I started doubting God even loved me, and even though I knew there was a God I even questioned that at times. I remember asking God to show me a moose if he was real. I figured this was a good thing to ask because I remember praying to him as a child begging him to make this person or that person stop hurting me. Then I would threaten God when he didn't answer. I would say if you don't stop this in ten seconds then I won't ever talk to you again. I did that so much, and being an adult I felt like I was questioning God and his love for me again. Funny thing is, I saw a moose but it wasn't where I was looking. The moose wasn't out in the backyard where I was staring, counting and threatening God. It was on the T.V.

I have also prayed for Jesus to talk to me or send an angel just like you. I was so desperate one time I even asked to see something evil, and that way, I would know there was a God. I know to some I may sound really crazy right now, but I understand desperation and wanting the pain to end. Feetbreeze, I don't know all that you have gone through, or are going through. One thing I am sure of, even if you can't see it or feel it; there are people who do care for you! When you are at your lowest just think of all the good things that God has done for you, and all the blessings in your life. I will be praying for you as you are going through this trial. Remember there is a God, or why would you seek him so? Seek and ye shall find:)  He is there carrying you I am sure. Much love to You and Yours

~Winter

Comment by feet breath on May 20, 2012 at 8:06pm

I don't have a pastor.

 

I know I have to have faith. I want to cry out to Jesus. I need....Jesus please hold me...He sees the fear I have. Ugh, this stupid fear. Fear isn't going to help them or me...How does a person deal with intimidation and indirect religious threats?

Comment by Jasper Andrew on May 20, 2012 at 4:33pm

We have absolutely No reason to doubt on God , i define faith as PERSONAL(As The Spirit leads people differently according to their CALLING) assurance of Gods faithfulness. Its trusting God on sthng HE TOLD YOU even when your pastor disagrees. God is not a human that He should LIE. He NEVER Lies.. But we have every reason to ignore the doubts that come up in our minds

Comment by Jasper Andrew on May 20, 2012 at 4:27pm

Say to those who are fearful
hearted
Do not be afraid
The Lord your God will come
And with His mighty arm When you call on His Name
He will come and save you. God is always faithful my sis, never lose hope

Comment by feet breath on May 17, 2012 at 6:33am

When a person is healed completely they can talk about what ever happened to them without feeling everything that is associated with it. We can never forget the wrongs done to us, but we can be healed from them. I hope this helps.

 

Well, than I'm not at that stage yet...I'm still scared she'll kill the cats. I'm reminded when I see an ally cat in the yard or when one of our cats want out. I don't want to be mad...I just want to complelty forget any of it ever happened. The neightbor came when I was in 1st grade, I graduated this month last year from high school. So, it's been a long time for her as a neighbor. May God not hold it against her...please pray that the other people she's hurt forgives her...

 

Jesus is an anchor? That is a great term for Him!

 

Thanks sister, it helps.

 

She also, when I was in 1st grade....I drew her grandpa a picture (he used to be the neighbor). Mom and I went to the hospital. She took the picture and threw it away.

 

I don't want to hold anything against her, I just needed to tell someone. It's helps, it really does. Thank you sis.

Comment by feet breath on May 16, 2012 at 7:36pm

Sister, what river is it talking about? By the way, I need to know. How can a person complelty heal when there's pretty much a constient reminder of the past? I don't want to hold it against our neightbor....the fear reminds me...when I fear for the cats... and so does looking at her house cause pain. Seeing her house I can't seem to completly get out of the past.

 

I want to ask another question but it's left best in a private message.

 

And, what's it mean by anchor?

Comment by feet breath on May 16, 2012 at 12:11pm

I mean like there's alot of problems. Some I'd really care to forget and not just discuss. I don't want any of these problems but some are just...wow...

 

I don't want to commit suicide and I don't want to die. I just want to be held by Jesus and cry on His shoulder...I want the pain to end.

Comment by feet breath on May 16, 2012 at 12:07pm

Wow, I wonder if he was just saying that or if he actually saw angels. I know you had angels, still do since you're His child, around you I'm just wondering if the man really saw angels or was just shocked.

 

:sighs: I have to get this off of my chest so I might as well do it on my blog. I know if a person looked through my messages/posts...it'd seem confusing. One time I'll get a spiritual jolt from the Holy Spirit, like last night and than another time, like now, things will be really not so well.

 

I try to hide things in my life and eventually they get brought to the light. I'd rather not think but some things but that doesn't make them any more or less there...Personal circumstances and circumstances beyond my control..

 

Lord's blessings on you and yours always,

feetbreeze

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