I just want to be needed

I feel like I'm going into a depression.

I need to crawl into a dark corner and hide. I'm overwhelmed. I'm not a good witness to my parents. I have this problem with my nervous system and I can't stand it.

It's like I've failed everyone. Why can't I be as great of a witness like my aunt Pat?

I feel disconnected from myself,feel disconnected from my body.

I'm broken. Cast away in sorrow.

I hope this blog doesn't make anyone stumble. If so please forgive me.

It's like I'm trapped within myself.

It's like I'm a frightened,confused child in an adult's body. I missed out on my childhood. I didn't have time to be a normal child for different reasons. I missed out on my teen years. I didn't spend them as a normal teen. Two things consisted of a good deal of a good part of my teen years;Pokemon and getting bullied. I liked Pokémon so much because I felt like those chacters couldn't hurt me. Normal teens fall in love,wear make-up and go to their girlfriends' houses for sleepovers. I didn't care about that stuff. And you know what? I still don't. 

I just want to be needed. For so much of my life it has been made to seem like I wasn't wanted.

I've been looking online and finally found the definition I couldn't put into words. I thought it just happened to me,but it's happened to other students,too. I'm no longer in school but it still has an effect on me.

Bully teachers. Is it still considered child abuse if the teachers do the abusing? A teacher only got physical with me once. I didn't listen. She said to stop at a certain point on the WestTest in 7th grade. I continued and disobeyed. She grabbed my arm. Did I deserve to get my arm grabbed?

There was some single events with teachers...But the worst was when I was 4 and 5. Mrs. R. yelled at me. Once for picking my nose [I was only little] on the stairwell. And I still feel her anger from when I accidently knocked those blocks on her ankle and there was a test. I forget what happened to get her mad at me because of the test but I still feel her anger. I did something to get her mad. Not sure what I did...I still feel the principal's anger when she wanted  me to stop drinking from my Taz water bottle in class. I forget exactly what she said but I think it may have been something like I'm not a baby.

Does it count as verbal abuse if a teacher belittles a child in front of the class? She went up to me in music class and said how bad of a singer I was but how great Howard was getting. She didn't take me out of class,she said it where the others could hear.

What do you call a teacher who calls you up to her desk an gives you a stern look and says "Don't you ever do this to me again."

Does what happened consist of abuse from teachers/the principal? I need to know so I can finally admit if I faced abuse from them...Does it matter that it didn't happen all of the time? Like I only got my arm grabbed once.

If so that those teachers help explain why I haven't felt wanted...Not only was there bullies but those events [and atleast a couple more that I remember but they weren't really bad] show there was teachers who have contributed.