I hope He uses my flaws...

I have a lot of flaws. Well,I think I do have OCD as well as a flaw. Those flaws can be put into catagories.

Digestive issues. Coconut,peanuts [stangly the candy products like Reeses and Almond Joy don't have the same effect as regular products. I can breath if I eat the candy] and blackberries give me shortness of breath. Blueberries are even worse though. It is so hard to breath if I eat anything blueberry. It's more than shortness of breath. It's like someone has cut my air supply off quite a bit but I can still get quick gasps out. I can't drink milk at all not even lactose free milk. But I can have milk products to an extent. For ex. I can have melted cheese to an extent but can't eat any solid cheese. And there's been times even melted cheese has been too much.

I can't do "normal" stuff. I can't vaccume,wash dishes,cook,drive a car.

I have bad circulation in my legs,sleeping problems and skin problems [I can't use many handsoaps because they make my skin break out]. And while it rarely happens I have stuttered. It happens randomly so I can't prepare for it to try and prevent it. And I'm clumsy.

I have problems with my muscles. I can't ride a bike,tumble,swim or open a can of soup. I run crooked. A lot of that is because of my muscles. I can't properly control my muscles like on a bike. I'd risk my legs stiffening up and possibly riding out in the middle of the street and get hit by a car.

I have poor communication skills. That's why I won't ever be able to go into public without someone I know. I mean I can walk without someone as long as they're in the store. I know have autism despite never being diagnosed. I also think that because of other things I do. Arm flapping,rocking back and forth,poor commincation skills. I can talk, I just have trouble expressing my feelings. I tend to talk with body language at times,even with the Lord.I just try to keep it between Him and me though and not do the arm flapping in front of people. And also I do make sounds like if I'm in pain I can make a little sound. It's too hard to say when I'm in pain all the time. I've had trouble expressing myself ever since I was no older than three. I was so scared of that Halloween decoration growing up but couldn't express my fear. If I ever did it was when I was older and not as scared. It has started to creep me out again but this time I have Jesus and don't need to fear.

I also have reading problems. I can read it's just I have trouble comprehending stuff like books. A simple conversation like this is ok [unless it gets too long] but put a text book in front of me and I'll have a lot of trouble. I also have a short reading attention span. A lot of times I just scan over articles [like the one I quoted from near the bottom].

I've had sensitive hearing since I was at no older than 2. And I know that because I still remember that mean lady in the big yellow dress yelling out her door at us when I was 2. And by sensitive I mean a sensatory problem.
And I might as well add since we're talking about flaws some of my toes are crooked and some of my teeth are crooked. And my sight isn't that great so I have to wear glasses.

With as many flaws as I've got I really hope the Lord uses it for His Sake. The one I especially need His help with though is my communication and sensatory problem. I have trouble with the communication part. That's why it's hard to talk to family about stuff that will probably get them to start talking loud/yell [I can't tell the difference]. And I start to trust my flesh when people talk loud/yell and don't trust the Holy Spirit. It scares me and I tend to shut down. I'm so scared I will give in if mom ever asks me and I'd end up denying Jesus. I don't want to deny Jesus. I would rather face death than to deny Him. Not saying mom would do that to me. But with persecution coming in more and more death is looking like something that could happen before the rapture [not from mom but other people]. I mean a boy when I was in 12th grade threatened to crucify another Christian and catch the cross on fire. So, I know it's possible.
This is why I'm scared

"That’s how fear works. If you yell at someone for being terrified, they might initially do what you want to get you to stop yelling, but you will cause them to be terrified even more. They’ve now developed a fear of your anger."

 http://www.jamesmw.com/fear.htm

 
They may do what you want to get the person to stop yelling. I don't want to tell mom or anyone else for that matter what they want to hear just to get them to be quiet. I don't want to deny Christ for anything.

A lot of my family talks loud when they are talking about their beliefs [they don't talk about their beliefs often but once in a discussion...]. It's not their fault. They don't even know I have this issue. That is very bad in my case though. This is a sensatory issue. It effects my nervous system. And I end up going into sensatory overload. I really want to be used by the Lord to talk to my family. This problem gets in the way though.

So, that's what happens. Someone talks loud and my nervous system ended up going out of wack. It effects the nervous system,therefore the brain is overloaded. I'm afraid I'll deny Christ just to get the overload to stop. I don't want to deny my Lord for anything,not even to save my own life [not that I think mom would do anything. I just know with persecution getting more and more there's people who would kill and see no wrong with it like someone killed two Coptic Christians in NJ].

:sighs: I really hope Jesus uses this humongous flaw of mine for His glory and that He uses it for good. Romans 8:28.