I Hate My Mother

     Living with your mother as an adult is a hard thing.  Your home is not your own and you still have to abide by the rules.  This the fourth time I have had to move in with my Mother.  For someone I professed to hate for so many years, why did I keep putting myself in stiuations where I had to depend on her?  My sister and a former co-worker are going through the same thing.  We have these difficult relationships with our Mother but end up living with them for one reason or another.  I am 40 years old.  This is a hard thing to write or say.  I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in life.  I thought I would be living in Hollywood with a successful movie career.  I'm only just getting started with a film career.  Why did I wait so late? Fear.  Fear of rejection.  Fear that I wouldn't be good enough and all those people who laughed at me would be right.  So when I had to move back in with my mother at the age of 39,  I feel defeated.  I feel like a loser. I'm too embarressed to tell anyone that I had to move back home.  I don't want to see the pity in their faces.  The tension is high and thick.  My Mother doesn't want  me there and I don't want to be their.  She is hiding food from me and she has always done things for others that  she refuses to do for me.  Maybe thats why my anger and resentment towards her is so strong.  My sister offered to let me move into her place. I'm ready to kill my Mother. So in order to avoid prison, I may take her up on her offer.