I feel trapped. I'm broken and shattered

I really hope this blog doesn't cause anyone to be sad.

I feel trapped,like I am ready to cry. I have been trapped for 18 years,ever since I was 3 years old. I didn't heal because once one pain was over with another problem would soon arrive.

I'm still that broken child,I never got to heal.

I've never healed of my past hurts,they only just got compacted together. I thought I was healing but I realize I'm still broken.

So much has happened,I couldn't possibly tell about it all at the moment.

Everything is my fault. I look back on my life to the present and I realize I've always been an outcast. It's only a matter of time until I make someone stumble. I cause people pain just by existing.

I wish my life [from the time of 3 to now] could be showed as a movie just to show how much of an outcast I really am.

Something has to be wrong with me. Otherwise why have I been treated like people would be better off if I never existed?

I know what it is to feel rejection,unloved,yelled at,threated,etc...

If something isn't wrong with me than why have I been made to feel lower than dirt by a few friends,teachers and even some family members? I'm glad I never went to college because I wouldn't have been able to handle that.

Everything is my fault. How can I even matter at all when my life has been a stumbling block for so many? I've been made to feel like they would have been better off if I was never born.

I just want to cry and run somewhere far away. I want to run somewhere so far away where I can just get away from this pain.

I really need Jesus to hold me like this song states http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPadSoXbp-4

I just wonder if Jesus is mad at me...I'm such a mess up.