I don't understand...

I can except the deaths of so many family members. But, my pap pap (who wasn't my real grandpa but I really miss him)...it's just so hard.

I know they died when I was like between the ages or 2 or 3 to like 13 (grandma was the last one). There's been people on my aunt S.' side who's died recently but I wasn't close to them. Pappy died when I was like 2 or 3. I have atleast one memory of my great aunt (when she was in the blue hospital room in bed),one of aunt C. (I think we may have been in the basement), a few of my aunt N. (I remember atleast one or two times when she let me on her lap when I was little. There's also the not so pleasent memory of when she and some others wanted me to try a piece of food when I didn't want to (mom wasn't too happy when she found out later on).

I actually have quite vivid memories of when she was in the funeral home and whatever. I think I remember dad driving to go to the home. I think I may remember the outside a little bit. I remember there was a room (not sure if it was the living room). I remember her casket in that room...

I also remember her funeral a tiny bit. Going up to put something (it may have been a little plush bear I'm not sure) in her casket. I remember her in the casket. I think I may remember the outside of the funeral home a tint bit as well.

My uncle B. died when I was in 5th grade. I have more memories of him. His aprt., how he liked nick-nacks,he loved resses (sp) candy. I remember another boy and me were called out of what we were doing. I think it was like bingo, spelling or something at school. The odd thing is he was buried on Sept. 11th 2003.

I remember grandma. She loved food and cooking. I remember her apartment. She ended up in a nursing home. She died in May of 2005. I remember her funeral a little bit. I remember her in the casket...another boy and I....I was so stupid. I didn't understand what was going on too well (I knew she died though). We were talking about Pokemon cards in another room...stupid Pokemon cards. :0( I understand now why a person (forget who) got so upset at us.

But, pappy I only have things to remember him by and pictures (and being told stuff about him). Not one memory. I remember the place where we lived. A yellow house...the backyard was awesome (I just remember that I liked it,I don't know what it completly looked like)! I remember the garage a tiny bit. I remember the nasty neighbor in a big yellow dress.

I remember the brown door... and blue carpet. I think I remember walking over to my purple whale (it was like a toy chest) to get my toys. I think that may have been when we were moving. I was only like two or three. I also remember one time about the kichen a tiny bit. I was in one of those things you put babies in that roll across the floor in the kitchen. It's where a baby can bounce up and down in it. The kitchen was dark for some reason....

Yet I don't remember him.

My parents, pappy and my uncles lived there (I'm not sure how long one uncle lived there though).

I have a rag doll he gave me,his blanket,some other things he had,pictures and his Bible. Sorry I can't get the picture any bigger for now.

Here's a bigger picture http://www.allaboutgod.net/photo/pict2642?context=user

I got another really nice Bible today from a goodwill. It's largeprint like I still need. It's NT and Psalms though. It seems like something I have to do (start using my new Bible and not as much my old one)...the thing is will it cause more grief or will it help the healing?

Maybe if I had even one memory of him I wouldn't be grieving inside so much, like the others, I remember them...

I might as well get this off of my chest since I'm blogging. You know how we got two fish the last Walmart visit? Well, we got two more again. The one seems to be happy. Sadly, the other one died shortly after it got home. It was unusual. I picked up the Spongebob Pineapple house (that's in the bowl for them to swim in and hide) to see if I could find the green fish (yes that was it's original color-dark/foresty green). I wasn't sure if it was alive or dead at first. For it stood up on it tail fins yet it was dead. One fish swam past it and hit into it. It didn't float up to the top(that's what's so odd about it). I got the fish net to check and see if it was alive. For if once in the fishnet, if still alive, it'd flop around. Nope. It just laid there. I had to flush the little guy. :(

I feel better since I got that off of my chest.

I didn't take a picture of the green fish and didn't get to with the new one yet. But, here's the first two. And don't worry. The cats aren't allowed in the room they're in.