Feeling Down

I heard from Todd yesterday that he wouldn't be home until the early morning hours of Saturday. I was bummed. I went to bed exhausted, from only God knows what, because I can't remember doing a single thing of use the whole day. When I awoke this morning I was still exhausted. I hit the snooze three times before getting up to take the girls to school. I woke my son up when I got back. He had an interview for a job this morning @ 10 and needed time to get ready. I wandered back to the living room and lay myself on the couch, falling instantly into a light sleep, which would have stuck if my feet weren't cold. After half an hour of waking every few minutes, I'd had enough and decided to give in and go back to bed for a while. Instinctively, I knew inside that I would regret this decision. Going back to bed or sleeping more when I am exhausted only cements my exhaustion into something more permanent that drags on throughout the day. I remember waking up to tell my son (who was dressed in his shirt, tie, and pants by now) that he could use the truck, but it was all a blur after that. An hour later he returned, told me he got the job, and I finally got out of bed, got dressed, and staggered to the living room.

Maybe I am exhausted from fighting myself last night. I mentioned that my mother-in-law (MIL) was going to the Bible study I have been going to last night, and I was already feeling some apprehension before I left. I have never been a social person. I have only gone to this women's study twice before, and was well on my way to creating some friendships and a certain level of comfort. Now that that my MIL has joined, I don't feel like I fit anymore. I know how it sounds, as we've had our moments between us. In our relationship, she really comes across as a Mother Hen on speed. She is always clucking around me like I need another mother, giving advice when it isn't asked for, putting herself in the middle of my relationship with her son and between me and my children. She portrays the loving and devoted mother, but will make comments about her other two sons, their children, or their significant others. She often interjects comments that sound derogatory and uncalled for, but when in church her demeanor changes completely to that of saint-like patience and love...grrr! Lord, forgive me for my lack of generosity and impatience!!

Yes, I know that she is lonely. I know that she feels alone without the support of her husband, who refuses to submit to religion in any form. I know that my husband is her oldest son, and the one she was always closest to. I guess I wouldn't feel as ungenerous as I do if my husband had broken from his family when we married. Now, I know how that sounds too...but I only mean in the Biblical sense. He has not broken from his parents and cleaved to me, especially since he just moved back to his home town right before we met and his parent saw so little of him over the years. He is now their one great hope. The two other sons of theirs live their own lives and do not permit their parents to interfere in the slightest. There are times when I truly envy them.

Yes, I know. Most of my complaints are petty. It's just that I wanted something that God probably cares nothing about, which is my own space to grow. I know that God wants us to all love one another unconditionally and to be together, but sometimes it is so hard to submit to this in certain instances. I have to blame my infallible human nature for this one...lol. I just don't want to be crowded by anyone but God right now. I know that when He works on me and gets me ready, he will push me to walk head-on into those types of situations. But, I am fragile. I can tell this by listening to my own mind as it chatters on at me. More than 90% of a persons self-talk is negative...boy, that's a lot to admit to and swallow. If I were perfect like Jesus, this wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, I have a looong way to go!

So, I have decided that I need to spend the coming week thinking about this. I don't know if I will go back to that study again. I may look for a different study to join instead, as there are others at different days and times. I know this will probably hurt my MIL, but I need to think about my own relationship with God before I concern myself with the rest of the world. I pray that I find some kind of clarity about this, as I know my own personal feelings are probably really clouding the issue. The thing is, I keep hearing everyone say that our walk with the Lord has to be a personal thing, a personal relationship...so I get confused about what I should or shouldn't do about things like this, especially since I am so new at it all. Anyone got any sage wisdom they want to share?

Regardless, say a prayer for me, that I might find the clarity I seek. I feel fortunate that He has put up with me and my nonsense this long...lol, so that I might find my way back to Him. This place we have found here together (AAG) is so wonderful. I feel blessed to know and love each and every one of you!! Praise God!