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Fear and Control: My Life

Do you ever live in fear? Fear of what you may lose or gain? Fear of what might be around that corner of life? I've lived in fear for almost all my life. I've been labeled many names all of which I don't live up to. I've been called stupid yet I'm smart. Deaf yet I hear and ugly yet I'm pretty. So why am I living in fear? Just knowing that other people view me like that is scary enough trying to go out and actually face these people who say these things or even people who haven't but can is very scary. What's one to do when staring at these challenges? As I've said before I've lived in fear my entire life it's never fun and it robs you of what life is supposed to be like. I've feared failure and still do to this day. I work hard so I don't fail and sometimes I just barely squeak by. I've always been scared of major tests or exams. I would freak out and have a panic attack before each one and for what? A grade. Although yes a major part of my grade rode on that one exam but if I failed it would it really be the end of the world? Would I really be a horrible person or student? I learned that when I failed accounting in college and I failed it big time. I cried and cried my heart out and I was so scared to tell my parents. But I did and they were disappointed sure but they didn't yell at me or anything and people didn't see me any less as a person (granted not many people know about this failure). I fear failure in relationships as well. My first relationship was with a very abusive boy (Key word being boy not man). Any human who abuses another human is definately less human in my books. This boy called me names blamed things on me and I started to believe him. He was suicidal and would cut himself with a razor blade and of course it was my fault. He carved my name into his arms and would tell me it's my fault he was like this and it would be my fault if he died from going too far. I finally told a friend of mine what was going on and he convinced me to get out of that relationship and I am forever thankful to him for that. The relationship I was in after that had me very fearful. I was always living in fear that he would find me unsuitable and leave me or cheat on me. As I look back now I know that I should have clued in that if I was fearing that then it definately was not the guy for me. When I started in the relationship I'm in now I will admit I had some fears from the past relationships that carried into this one. And it took me a while of studying the bible and listening to the word of God but I finally understand it. Is there really anything to fear? I have no control over anything!!! I can try but I'll probably fail horribly instead of God having the way he needs it to be. I feel totally at ease about my fiance and him being around females. I'm very secure and I don't fear anything. I trust him completely and I trust God. Whenever I pray for Tony I feel a sense of peace like this is the path I'm supposed to be on this is the man that was set for me to marry. I give control over to him. I give my fear to him. Do I still struggle with fear and control? Oh yeah I'm not saying I'm perfect and no one ever is. If anyone tries to tell you different they are on some sort of drug. My relationship with God is slowly improving very slowly. The reason being I'm learning and trying to let go of the fear and the control. After feeling the total peace of Tony being with another female I want to let go of both of them and give them to God for he is the one in control and he has everything planned out. What's the use of worrying? He cares for the ravens and the flowers of the world. Surely he will take care of me and Tony and every other child of his. I can't wait to see what he has in store for us. Am I scared? A little but I trust Him.

Fear and Control: My Life

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