Facing the Demon

I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago and in it I stood face to face
with the demon that has been tormenting me for many years. I could
describe him to you but I don't want to detract from the point of this
blog.

As I stood facing my biggest fear, he said this to me:

"You must become me to fight me!"

I said, "Not anymore."

At that point, I was overcome with his emotions, his rage, disgust and
seething hatred for me. It was hatred unimaginable to the human mind.
It permeated my fibrous structure and I could literally feel every
emotion within every cell of my being. I was no longer human.
I had become his emotions.
It was so intense that I felt as if my body would explode. I screamed
out as a sort of release for this building pressure. At once I was
taken over by this demon and I felt trapped within his body, though I
still stood facing him. I began to scream out for him to release me and
when I did, my voice came out demonic and I began speaking in tongues.
This scared me more than anything ever has. I thought, "I must will myself
out of here..." and I felt my soul begin to come to the surface. There was
an extreme sense of urgency as if my life were about to end.

As I felt my soul separate from his body, I screamed,

"LET ME OUT!!"

He yelled, "NO!!"

And I was once again pulled back into his being. He was so powerful. I
was helpless as a newborn baby. This repeated a couple of times and
thank God I woke up because it was exhausting.

For the last couple of days, I have been consumed by this dream and
questions about why I was allowed to see this demon face to face. I
mean, I've moved closer to God in the last 6 months than I've ever been
in my entire life. Why would I be forced to see this evil being that
I've worked so hard to separate myself from? And what exactly did the
demon mean when he said, "You must become me to fight me"? The answer
came to me: "The demon is rage and hatred. In that instant, you literally
became all that he was, even in the physical sense.

Then I spoke to a dear friend who told me that he was concerned about
why I would devote so much of my time to these questions and
ultimately, to this demon instead of focusing on God and living His
way. So I took this message to heart and asked God last night why He
allowed me to see this demon and asked Him to lead me to a scripture
that held the answer.

I opened my bible to Proverbs 16 and began to read and ponder the
messages therein. When I got to the last verses of chapter 17, I heard
God's voice say to me, "Your answer will be in the beginning of the
next chapter." Chapter 18:10 reads:

"The name of the Lord is a strong fortress;
the godly run to Him and are safe."

Short and simple as always. Then it hit me....

"What is the one thing I failed to do when confronted by the evil one?
I failed to call on God to protect me."

Why, after all I've been through and learned since July of last
year, did I fail to call on the name of my Father when I was at the
mercy of satan? Why? How could I forget that??

The answer is simple: because throughout my life, when faced with
hardship, instead of calling out for His strength, I relied upon my own
fighting spirit to right the wrongs and to survive the struggles of
life. I bought into the idea that "I am my own god" without even
realizing it.

What a dangerous web we weave.

God is trying to train my mind and heart and spirit to cry out for
grace in the midst of treachery. These little earthquakes are the
building blocks of my foundation. He will guide me until I get it
right, every time.

I will gladly and humbly accept His instruction. Because I have come
to trust my Father.



(Thanks for the insight, Dave ;)