DELIVERANCE

I counted 528 days about two weeks ago, the length of time from that day I thought and felt my world has ended. The bondage to so much unhappiness, grief and fear of the unknown lasted that long. I was so resigned to the idea that God will just allow me to reach the end of my days in that state of anguish and despair. The prevailing question in my mind was, could it be possible for God to have created me only to make me die unhappy? And what kind of God would that make Him to be? Though I am of little faith,... I insisted in my thoughts,... that my God cannot be like that. He wants me to be happy, not just in the afterlife but right now,... here in this earthly life. But I needed more convincing than such a self pep-talk because the nagging question still continues..why am I not happy? A question I was too scared to pursue for it might lead to an answer that will only put shadow on the situation. I got tired of thinking...I have stopped analyzing, I have stopped arguing or bargaining , I have stopped asking... I just opened up to letting go. I finally just kept still and opened up to God's grace of allowing myself to let go of my own will, to make His will not mine rule my life. I was steadfast in my prayers even at times that I hardly believe. I never stopped praying even at times I thought He might not be there. I just prayed and prayed and prayed.

I never thought the day will come when I will actually still want to wake up. Will the day ever come that I will wake up not thinking about that day when love caused me so much pain. I never knew I could still wake up and not feel the hurtful rejection and tremendous disappointment I felt that day... the memories literally hurt my brain and crush my sore heart each morning I awake. I have never looked forward to a new day since that fateful day of my birthday in 2009.

But God moves in mysterious ways...as I find comfort in my prayers, I felt the urge to seek understanding of all things happening in my life. I related everything to God's purpose why He allowed things to happen the way they did. I thought, God... please speak! And the wonder of wonders... it happened, I started to want to believe in hope again. As I lay myself to sleep at nights and kept still in the darkness of my room, I began to feel in my heart that tomorrow might be a better day. God is speaking... not in human words but He reaches out and dictates to my heart what to feel. How wonderful, go on Lord, I want to feel You,.. please fix my heart and fix my mind. Help me wake up and not think of the hurt and feel the pain that belong to the past. I ask for help so I can break the bond to a memory that creates havoc in my mind and keeps me pressed down, unable to get up. I eventually admitted to myself, only God can take away this invisible shackle I am burdened with, the shackle that disables me to get on with my life as fully alive.

Then I feel God's peace, and bit by bit, the Joy starts creeping in... how wonderful that my soul finally felt so free and my spirit so light! Is this God's promise of deliverance? I have been waiting to exhale and finally I could... my awesome God! I catch myself crying at times...tears of disbelief and joy that I made it through. I feel my heart again... pumping just the right rate, and my brain does not feel as messed up, like it was so full that it's ready to burst into hundreds of debris. Indescribable calm... that's what I possess in my being. Sparks of emotion may come fluctuating... but the graph settles once again to its equilibrium in no time at all. No more getting off the orbit for me. I am held on to the Center by something Divine. Thank you dear God, Thank you... for my miracle of deliverance.