Concerned & Worried

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Comment by Gina on January 11, 2012 at 10:15am

Thanks Amanda -- isolated, alone - that is what I feel on a daily basis, and yet, I struggle inside my head saying "I am not alone, God is always with me."  I say that, and feel like yes, He is with me, but I need more than that to fill this emptiness that I feel - that doesn't stem from one thing missing in my life, but many things missing and the trials I have been thru.  Thank you for being there and your words of wisdom and advice.  I approached this site with hesitation, but then thought I would just give it a shot, really thinking no one would be "out there" reading all this stuff that I write....my feeling of isolation coming out again.  But here you are, as well as Char, giving me encouragement and just 'being there'.  Thank you.

Comment by Gina on January 11, 2012 at 4:32am

By the way, I would like to share that I am a "born-again" Christian and have accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1999, when I was introduced to how one can have a relationship with Christ and it's not about a religion.  I didn't really have a "religion" per se at that time in my life.  I was raised in a Catholic upbringing - attended Catholic grammar and high schools.  I didn't always understand why I did what I did when I was a youth/teen in church  (sit, kneel, stand, and various other prayer rituals), but I did the motions.  It didn't make me feel 'complete' and I felt like something was missing.  That missing part was Christ in my life.  Fast forward to the age of 37 when I accepted Jesus into my heart.  I am still not well versed on the Bible after all these years, but I'm learning albeit very slowly over the years.  Just wanted to add this info in case anyone was wondering what "religion" I was or where I stood with God.

Comment by Gina on January 11, 2012 at 4:26am

Thanks Char - great suggestion and one that I've been thinking about for awhile now.  I just need to implement it!  I almost feel like I have put myself in a cocoon the past 8 yrs.  I did not mention in any of my postings anything about my husband and how his job has changed 4 times in 11 yrs.  We are originally from Chicago area, moved to NC for a promotion (his) when kids were little and lived there for almost 5 yrs.  When we had an opportunity to move back to the midwest (as the south was only a short term plan we knew going into it), my husband accepted a position not far from home - in MI - which is 3 hrs or so away from family.  That was 11 yrs. ago.  Now 1-1/2 yrs ago we were going to move back to Chicago area, after my husband lost his job - the 3rd one he's had since we moved to MI.  My husband had an opportunity w/ good pay in the suburbs of Chicago - not far from my dad and sister - and the plan was to sell our house and move there.  But various stressful things happened here which I won't go into detail right now, and I am still here with the kids living in MI, with my husband only coming home on (most) weekends.  It has been a very difficult 1-1/2 yrs on all of us, including the kids.  

I thank you for your ideas as I have been thinking the exact same thing.  It just takes me courage to find a new church, or be outgoing and take that step to join a small group.  It has taken me much courage to even join this web site ... a feeling that I want to connect and share with other women, but nervous and anxious about doing so.  I also want do see a counselor, which I have done so in the past, but find it so very difficult to start up w/ a new person (my old counselor moved out of state - this was 5 yrs ago) - and I hate the thought of starting back at square one, stirring up so many emotions.  It's like being on a teeter-tawter (sp?) and wanting to go to counselor, but not wanting to, silly -- but that's how I feel.

Thanks again Char.

Comment by Gina on January 10, 2012 at 5:20pm

Hi Amanda.  Thank you for your comment.  I appreciate your "in"sight - from the outside!  Haha.  Yes, there is deep resentment I have towards my husband, but our relationship is so weak that we are hardly considered a married couple.  Counseling for us? Doubt it - he'd never go.  Our marriage is more of a friendship, which might be common after 24 yrs., plus I've known him since I was 11 ... so almost 40 yrs I've known him!

 

My son does not have an alcohol problem.  He just smokes pot - alot of it.  He has his medical marijuana card, obtained legally, as a result of 6 shoulder separations and 2 surgeries.  He says it helps his pain.  Maybe so, I can't say since I'm not him, but as a result of him having his card, he smokes alot.  His DUI was for driving impaired since the police officer didn't care if he had his "card" and when the PO asked my son when he smoked last time, my son said 2 hrs ago.  It's a 4 hr. time frame one must wait to be able to drive after smoking pot, even with a medical card.  I do not smoke, nor do I drink - except for a glass of wine every once in a great while.  My husband drinks - wine - and alot of it.  He tries to quit, does so for awhile, then starts again.  He'll say he's only having one glass, but he has two.  On weekends, it's 4-5 8-oz glasses.  He doesn't get falling down drunk or pass out.  Just enough to get numb and sleepy.  He suffers from having alcoholic parents, both now deceased 19 + yrs.

I don't go to church on a regular basis, and when I do go, no one will come with me, so I go alone.  I hate going alone.  Now I found my church tapes their services (it seats 1000's of people), so I can watch it online anytime I want to vs. going there alone. 

Thank you for your prayers.  I know God is here besides me, but it is hard to sometimes believe it when one feels very alone.  We moved here 11 yrs. ago - no family and haven't made many friends.  We are 3 hrs. to the closest family member.  My husband is not very social so we do not have any couple friends, so we have no social life or much fun - feel like a real "old" couple that don't get out and do anything other than a movie now and then.  We are on a tight budget so there is no $ to go around for movies and dinners out on a regular basis.

So life pretty much stinks right now.  I try not to have a pitty party and keep my thoughts on "God will bring me thru this ... and God is in control."  But my human emotions sometimes take over and get in the way of me enjoying life the way I should be.

Comment by Gina on January 10, 2012 at 9:21am

Thank you for your comment.  There is a super spiritual stronghold battling within our household, and the devil is doing everything he can do to make my life difficult despite my faith in God.  My husband does not have a relationship with the Lord, and never pushed the kids into going to church with me.  I talk to God constantly, and pray for my kids and for all this to work out, but it is more difficult than I ever imagined and some days are worse than others and I feel like I am loosing the battle.  It is depressing and sad to me that I feel so alone - in more ways than one.    Thank you for the reminder of that verse tho....I will meditate on it today!