Another Sad & Beautiful Day To Grow & Learn

Ok, everybody. I didn't go to church this morning. I was kinda burnt out after going to the study the other nite and just needed a break from ritual. I don't want my going to church to become a habit, or worse yet, a rut. I want it to feel new and fresh, and I actually want to go because I feel the urge to be there with the Lord and all my brothers and sister, and not because I am expected to be there.

I was glad when Todd finally made it home yesterday. It was awful without him and I was overjoyed that he was home. I had been worried about him when he didn't get in during the early morning hours yesterday, but instead several hours later, closer to lunch. By the time he got here, I had been so worried about him that I was angry, hurt, and disappointed in him for not calling to let me know what was going on. Instead of leaping into his arms (which, by the way, I had fully planned to do...) and kissing him all over, I sat there. I felt locked into place, like any effort I would have made to do what I had planned would have been forced, trite, and totally obvious. I was just being a jerk, but couldn't help myself. He didn't deserve that, and I shouldn't have done it. He is a good-willed man who loves me more than I possibly could ever deserve. I still haven't asked for his forgiveness for that, but I will...

So, eventually I shared with him how I felt and he said he understood. In a way, I think he did. I really hope he knows how much he means to me, and how concerned and out of my mind I was. I told him last nite that I got up yesterday morning wondering what had happened that he wouldn't be here, and although I was tired and it was still early, I couldn't go back to bed and sleep, not knowing where he was or what might come. I might get 'that' phone call. What if I had gotten 'that' phone call and I had gone back to sleep? I would never have forgiven myself. So, we spent the day working on getting back into our comfort zones around one another. Before we went to bed last nite, we agreed that we would stay home this morning and spend the time with one another instead. This afternoon Todd got to go out and work in the yard while I worked on getting my team project put together and turned in. It has given me time to think about why I was so upset with him, and why if I was so happy to see him, that I would turn away from him instead...Just saying that it is a survival mechanism is not good enough...and I know it. I love him so very much.

I will say a prayer tonight, that as Sheila mentioned to me, I must ask God to allow me to see through His eyes. Not just to see others, but to also see myself. No matter how hard it is. I have committed to being open and truthful in these blogs. To work at and remember never try to make myself look good, or even better than what I really am, so that others will like me. I am nothing more or less than a child of God, and a sinner to boot. Praise God the Father!