Spirtual healing or stumbling block?

iI have a question but no answer. In the twenty years since I became a born again christian... there were doubts...the Lord prepared the way and every need was supplied whether knowledge or otherwise. But the doubts always resulted in answers to questions which had taken root in my mind....and with an understanding of things such death,hell and true love of God there was a daily joy and peace even in the mist of suffering. I was the last child of a very large family and I am the only one left. My husband, my soulmate,went on to be with the Lord nine years ago. I am all alone. I was so strong in the Lord that I cn look backand see where confidence and assurance gave way to pride and self. Lete just say that instead of using the word of God to heal and help there were certain cases when I used it to try and control others..my motives were pure but the method was poor and harmful. Part of the reason for this was that I am aware that I do not have much time left and I wanted certain people to hurry up and get saved. taking away not onoly God rightfu place as judge but becoming more and more angry when they did't listen to me. What I was saying was true and would result in having the wrath of God brought down upon them. And it was done in love and out of fear. My childhood was one of every kind of abuse that is and by the age of 16 I had taken on a living rage inside of me. At the moment I accepted Jesus as my personal saviour this anger which had form and was in me but not under my my control was replaced by the love of God which flowed thru me with such strength that I cant truly find the words to describe. I no longer saw others as the world sees them but as God revealed them to me. There were certain other things concerning how the world was being prepared for that which is to come so clearly seen and this too caused me to want to force some who were being mislead and used by false teachers in the church and out of it. It was religion whichrefused to accept Jesus before and now. For over 30 years I have been studing this altho at first I did not know it was God preparing the way. There is a time when God turns his back on someone and turns him over to his evil ways but how are we to know if this is now. I do not know if my refusal to give p on certain people caused me to feel so unworth of being of any earthly good to the Lord or the constance attacks on me which once were cause of joy as sign that I was doing what God wanted me to do or being like Job and losing everything knowing and never doubting God but wonderng how people could believe me when I testified but something caused me to take my eyes off of God and doubt myself. Mre about dealing with others later but right now I am seeking answers for myself. In the last year I have went to the Lord for myself and so much
inner healing of my childhood has taken place. Forgiveness and forgetfulness of them had taken place long ago but I had never went there with myself. How each of us see our self thru the lies of others is amazing and often unregonized. ........I fought for my life every day of my life and realized that I was fighting for my right to be Child of God with the same weapons and
results. God loves me. Jesus willingly and freely gave his life for me because he found me worth of his love. This is an eternal truth. I know it. I believe it. Then why am I so depressed and so concerned about the judgement of others. Am I being spirtually healed as I am allowed to see myself more clearly or is this just another way to keep me from going on. I have never spoken to anyone of this but I know that the body of Christ is made up of living stones and that
the Lord will send some one that has been here and got thru it..........please forgive the length of this but there is so much more and the need to understand drives me. May I just need some to sharethe loveof God with again who is not out to trying to use me or destroy me...thank who ever reads this and feels the have time to spare me.
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