Searching for something...

I am still searching for my purpose in life, believe it or not. Exactly what is it that I am supposed to do? This is especially troubling since I found out that the heart attack I survived in November 2005 is actually called "the widow maker," as it kills about 95% of its victims.

I have been advised to: go into counseling (even counseling psychology), become a teaching pastor, start writing, go into discipleship, and/or become a chaplain at a hospital (look at all my experience!) or a law enforcement agency (because of my interest in criminal justice). I have basically discounted the option of marriage and children because of my condition, so the career would indeed be my life. This shouldn't surprise me. Since childhood, my fictional heroes have been men married to their careers, like Captain Kirk was "married" to the Enterprise, and in effect, Starfleet (his career).

Figuring this out has become a problem that is on my mind only less frequently than my heart condition. Sometimes when one has a heart condition, he only realizes how much of an impact that it has had on his life after a certain amount of time has passed. Slowly it dawns on him that pretty much every aspect has been hit and hit hard. Further, he slowly begins to realize that only so much healing will take place. I believe that I have reached that point.

Too often, I feel like a battery in need of a charge. The heart failure is bad enough, but add the medications that "preserve" me (by slowing my heart rate and dropping my blood pressure), and you get a very tired camper. Just typing this -- after getting up, feeling fully rested, mind you -- has made me a bit tired. (And this is before my medication!) Exactly how can God use me in this condition is my big question.

On with the search...