Trust

What would happen if the things that are immediate problems in your life went as bad as you imagine they could? Where would you be? It's a horrible question and you might wonder why I would ask it unless of course I wanted to cause you pain and grief. But the truth is it's a question God has asked me many times when I was in the middle of something I thought was unbearable. What could possibly happen to us that could take us out of his hands. Where could we end up that he couldn't reach us? I'm crying as I write this because while I know there is no such circumstance or place, I'm still afraid of what could happen and where I could end up. But even there God can provide and it may be that while we're there God would use us in ways we've always wanted but never realized the cost. About fifteen years ago I began to pray that God would make me a David. Immediately after I began praying this, my church split, my family fell apart and piece by piece my life unraveled. And when I went to God and asked Him why His simple answer was that long before David was a King establishing a 24 hour worship team for the temple he was a lonely shepherd boy, a spear dodger, considered treasonous, hiding in caves and being forced to live among his enemies in order to escape the rage of those who should have loved him. When parents scolded there children about bad behavior I half wonder if they said, ‘Do you want to turn out like David?’ He had to become completely broken so that he could become who he had the potential to be. I love this book entitled, "The Tail of Three Kings" One of the things the author says is that David the sheepherder would have grown up to become King Saul II, except that God cut away the Saul inside David's heart. The operation took years and was a brutalizing experience that almost killed the patient. Perhaps you think I'm morose in my insistence of submission to trials but there is a beauty in it. I'm not going to ask you if your willing to be broken, I know you are. Instead I'm going to ask something a little harder to answer. Can you trust God in the breaking? He loves you, can you trust that no matter how badly it hurts and how much you're afraid that it's for your good. Cry if you need to, scream if you must but acknowledge that He is in control and that no matter what; it's for your good. It's all good...
Do you know that story in Ezekiel, the allegory of Israel, when God says that on the day they were born they were thrown naked and covered in blood into an open field. They were despised and no one took pity on them. Then God walked by and called to them, "Live" and he made them to grow and become numerous. Then when they were grown he passed by again and saw that they had reached the age for love. They were tall, their hair had grown and their breasts were formed. Yet they were still naked and bare. So He took the corner of his skirt and covered their nakedness; which is imagery I seem to remember from Boaz and Ruth. He swore to them and entered into a covenant with them and they became His. Then he bathed them of their blood and grime and anointed them with oil. He clothed them with linen, silk and embroidered cloth and put leather sandals on their feet. He adorned them with ornaments, bracelets, necklaces, rings and a crown. He feed them fine flour, honey and oil. Despite all this Israel betrayed Him and the allegory continues but in this part of the story I taste that deeper thing. God saw us when we were abandoned, naked and covered in our own waste and blood and He loved us. He gave us life. In Hosea we see that he took us by our arms and taught us to walk. And when we were ready he covered us and entered into a covenant with us. And this is key; he entered the covenant with us before he bathed us. The idea makes me blush. I realize this is allegorical but to think of the intimacy that this would entail. If I were naked and covered in blood abandoned in a field how would I feel when I was found by a holy man. I would feel ashamed but more than that I would be afraid; afraid of his intentions, and afraid of being rejected again and left. The vulnerability of needing him and having him reach out to me while I was still naked and wretched. Taking me by the arms and showing me to walk; teaching me to live. Then the unbelievable act of him, while I'm still naked and bloody, coming into covenant with me. In our unclean state he makes a vow to us. It isn't till after this covenant is made that he cleanses us and anoints our wounds with oils. He purifies and heals us. And then once we've been cleansed he covers us with the robes of his righteousness; lavish and beautiful garments that cost Him his life. And yet He is not done. He adorns us with jewels and takes what was once disregarded and despised and turns us into his queen. Israel trusted in her beauty and that is why she fell but I have no such trust. I don't see what he made, I still see what he found and all I can do is look at Him in awe. He loves us. He sees us. Not as what we were, naked and abandoned, nor for what we became, the adorned queen. He loves us for who we are; the frightened, needy children learning to lean on him, the hurting, wounded souls in need of his healing power. The blood and the jewels mean nothing to him they are secondary byproducts for our benefit only. It makes me tremble to think of it. We did nothing to earn this love and nothing we do can take it away. We can rest in it.
Creation seems so extravagant. Lovers lavish roses and diamonds on their beloveds. Yet He has lavished on us so much more. We have more than roses. We have every flower ever created, cheerful daisies, elegant calla lilies, timid morning glories and fragrant lilacs. We have every rock created not just diamonds. We have trees, the sky, mischievous squirrels and mystical eagles. I love the eagles. Life seems such a paradox. I am overjoyed by the love of God but humiliated by my need, shame and disgrace. Why would he love me? Why would he die to save me? I was not worth it. I have nothing to give him in return, nothing to give him pleasure. Sometimes I wish the ground would swallow me up and the mountains would cover me. There is no good in me. No thing I might lay before him and say this is worthy. It's so hard to comprehend but the truth is he doesn't have to apply love, he is love. He loves who we could consider unlovable. It appears a paradox to us but he sees no such contradiction. And all he asks us to give him in return is ourselves. Not in bondage like servitude but in joyful innocence. If we want to please him we simply take everything we love and enjoy and pour it back into him. If we enjoy singing he asks that we sing to him. If you love to write, write him a love letter. Do you dance or paint. Do it for him. We're empty and barren but He fills, He redeems. He brings joy to desolation and light where there was none.
You know all this, it is no surprise I'm sure, but here is a reminder that you are loved. As we look at Him in wonder and amazement He looks at us with eyes gentle and steady, burning with the ravaging fires of compassion, fueled by love. Will you allow yourself to be ravaged? Can you trust his love? Can you rest in his will though you don't know its path? And here's the clincher. If the answer is no, the path won't change it will just be more painful. The path breaks us there's no escaping that. Our worry, frustration and strivings can't remove it. Surrender to it isn't morose or weak. It is the strongest kind of strength. It takes strength to be fragile. To allow yourself to be fragile enough that God can break you, to refrain from throwing back the spears, thrown at you. To restrain yourself from building up walls that you think will protect you but only really imprison you. To make the conscious effort to walk vulnerable to what life brings you keeping your eyes on the one who orders your steps. These are not easy questions and I pray you don't feel the need to defend yourself against them because you don't have to. These are questions I ask myself daily. These are questions that break my heart and build me up.